Monday, April 28, 2014

A quick update on all things ATW

by Nathan Stout (of AccordingToWhim.com)


There hasn't been a lot of activity here on our blog or site (for that matter). I thought I'd drop you all a quick note to let you know we are still alive but as usual... Apathy wins again!

Here is an easy to digest list... everyone loves lists...

Video:
  • Miguel is working on a feature length edit of the Season 2 episodes.
  • Chris is getting started up on editing with Adobe and will focus on learning and doing the rough edits and setups for Miguel (and me).
  • Miguel is also working on various projects (with Chris' prompting) such as the music video they shot, the Hangman's House of Horrors documentary, weddings, and various other 'non-ATW' items that need to be caught up on.
  • I am working on getting rolling with some of the editing on Season 2's episodes 4-6 as well as several shot but not edited sketches.
  • I am also in somewhat of a limbo for Season 3 stuff. We lost so much of that material during the 'Great Hard Drive Crash of 2010'. There is still some funny stuff in there so maybe we can salvage it at a later date.
Audio Show:
  • The According To Whim Audio shows has always just been a sort of 'when we feel like it' sort of project. Chris will pop out his phone and we will do a show on the fly. These seem to have after conventions (lately). So this is really an on-going thing. We were going a little more seriously with this back when Google didn't screw things up with their Hangout software and made it all 'pain in the ass' to use.
Games:
  • As you know (or don't), the Kickstarter for our board game: Rise of the Rockstar failed (poo). It was an excellent learning experience and we do intend on revisiting Rockstar, fixing the issues and trying again.
  • Chris and I have other games in development including this doozie... Zombie Death Force, Go! This game is all but complete and we are doing some final testing. Once done, we will Kickstart that one too. We think it looks awesome too!
  • We pulled all 'for sale' copies of Whim Wars off our site and stopped selling it at conventions since we plan to give it as a Kickstarter award for Zombie Death Force, Go!. We also plan to rework this game and release it in a more complete manner in the future.
  • Chris and I have a few other games in progress but we haven't done much testing on them lately. One is a clever number/card game that is super simple and really fun (called 21 to 42). The other is Chris' sequel to Whim Wars called Whim Wars Armada (it a total dice game, no maps this time).
Books:
  • Chris has a bazillion book ideas and many in-progress. I think it is mainly an act of twisting his arm to get him to complete one or two (or a hundred) of them. Introduction looked to be fairly far along when I proofed it. Although we have our differences on using all the short stories we wrote for it, it seems like the best shot and having something done soonest.
  • Our year-long serial: Flash Ahhhh! is great book material but we have some conflicting views on certain parts of the story and I think that is going to have to be worked out before we can move forward.
  • Short stories: We have a bunch (most used in Introduction) but I think we have enough to make a book independent of it. Since Pill Hill Press is no longer out there for me to submit to, it looks like this book will be the outlet for all those short and flash fiction stories.
Retail:
  • I think over the last year we have focused a lot on the Renegade Anime convention/antique mall business (to the detriment of our other projects). I feel it has been only a mild success and I can totally see why I kinda gave up on all conventions with the exception of the big 4 that I was doing before we re-invested ourselves in it. We are still probing the possibilities in regards to Renegade Anime.
That's all I can think of at the moment. I am sure if I listed everything we are messing about with it would be long and tedious. This is a nice overview of what has been going on. It is here to inform you guys and to help us get a second wind for a lot of stuff that has kinda fallen behind.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Sniffles (sniff) 2.0 – Up In Da Club, Out In Da Woods

By Chris McGinty (based on an assortment of ideas from Brian Anthony)

INT – LOCAL DANCE CLUB – NIGHT

(We see Miguel looking very uncomfortable, and standing with Chris who is casually dancing, and Brian who is just staring at Miguel with a huge, uncomfortable grin on his face.)

BRIAN (yelling over the music): Isn’t this the greatest club?

(Miguel doesn’t respond.)

BRIAN: Isn’t this the greatest club?

(Nothing from Miguel. Brian grabs Miguel’s ass.)

MIGUEL: What the hell are you doing?

BRIAN: Isn’t this club great?

MIGUEL: Yes, you can rub it later. Just not here in public.

BRIAN (to Chris): Why does Miguel have more trouble hearing me over the music than anyone else.

CHRIS: Earplugs.

BRIAN: Lame.

CHRIS: Who is the DJ tonight? This bomb is the dope.

(Brian just stares at Chris slightly bewildered. Then finally responds.)

BRIAN: That’s DJ Bane. He’s from Gotham City.

MIGUEL: Yeah, I hate this goddamn city. Can we go home now?

(Brian turns his attention back to Miguel. He reaches into his ear and pops out an earplug.)

BRIAN: You never get out. You never do anything. We’re going to enjoy ourselves away from the apartment for once.

(Brian turns, crosses his arms in a pout, and enjoys himself.)

BRIAN: See me enjoying myself?

MIGUEL: Oh, how I long for an alternate universe where I have a loving wife and daughter that provide me an excuse to never have to deal with these two.

(There is a slight Hollywood-esque feedback as DJ Bane clicks the microphone on.)

DJ BANE: Alright y’all. Are the party people in the house?

(The crowd gives a rousing affirmative that Chris and Brian join in with as Miguel stands there dumbly.)

CHRIS & BRIAN (with crowd): Yeah!

DJ BANE: I said, “Are the party people in the house?”

(Brian elbows Miguel in the gut.)

MIGUEL: Umph.

CHRIS & BRIAN (with crowd): Yeah!

MIGUEL: Uh, yeah.

DJ BANE: Alright, we’re going to break this down one time!

(Drum fills from all over the preset map fill the club as DJ Bane lifts a body from the floor over his head. It appears to be Batman. He brings him down and the crowd can hear his back break even over the drum fills. The crowd cringes. Miguel, meanwhile, is jumping up and down with girlish excitement.)

MIGUEL: Now that was worth the 10 bucks to get in!

(Cut to Chris’s nose sniffing and the Sniffles Theme Song plays, showing various credits and scenes from the show.)

INT – LOCAL DANCE CLUB – NIGHT

(We find Miguel and Brian sitting in a booth as pulsating trance music does it’s best to make the humans in the club deaf. As the camera pans over to them, we see Chris outside talking on his cell phone. Cut to a close up of Miguel and Brian.)

MIGUEL: I don’t get what the hook would be.

BRIAN: It’s just funny. I bet Chris would think it’s funny. You just have no sense of humour anymore.

MIGUEL: Say humor again.

BRIAN: Humor.

MIGUEL: Ok, it sounded weird the first time. Explain the idea to me again and I’ll try to understand the joke.

BRIAN: Me and Chris are wearing dresses and we’re talking about our feelings and our periods…

MIGUEL: …

BRIAN: Like we’re women. Talking about our periods.

MIGUEL: And you want this to be a sketch in our show together, or on something you and Chris do without me?

BRIAN: Just nevermind. I’ll get Chris to explain it to you.

(Chris walks up at that point.)

BRIAN: Chris, explain to Miguel about period sketch.

(Chris looks at Miguel.)

CHRIS: When a man and a woman love each other very much…

BRIAN: No! You know what I’m talking about!

CHRIS: What are you talking about?

BRIAN: Didn’t I tell you about the period sketch?

CHRIS: The one that’s at the end of the show, but is neither exciting nor questionable?

BRIAN: What?

MIGUEL: He’s doing math humor again. Ignore him.

BRIAN: I like his math humour.

MIGUEL: Say humor.

BRIAN: Humor.

MIGUEL: It sounds weird when you say it sometimes. I think this music is wrecking my hearing. [to Chris] Is Nathan coming?

CHRIS: He said he’s spending a quiet night at home with his wife.

(Chris waves at someone.)

CHRIS: Hey, good to see you! Hope we get a chance to talk soon!

BRIAN: Who was that?

CHRIS: Nathan’s wife. Her church group meets at the organic drink bar here.

BRIAN: To read scripture?

CHRIS: To prepare for the marathon tomorrow.

BRIAN: I bet you she’d get the period sketch.

CHRIS: Only about once a month.

MIGUEL: Oh my god, Brian! It’s not even a sketch. It’s an idea that doesn’t actually connect to anything other than your warped view of comedy.

BRIAN: Oh yeah!

(Brian looks around for a brief moment. He holds up his hand and waves at someone.)

BRIAN: Excuse me, miss!

(A young woman walks over to Brian. Brian leans in and speaks somewhat inaudibly into her ear. His motions suggest that he’s describing the sketch idea to the woman. She suddenly bursts out laughing.)

WOMAN: Oh my god! You’re so funny.

(She kisses him on the forehead. And walks away laughing.)

CHRIS: Oh good. Like everything else, our show is now going to be marketed to women.

MIGUEL: Why don’t we do that? Why don’t we go home and work on the show? You guys are always bitching that I don’t want to work on the show, but here we are wasting time at a dance club when we could be shooting a sketch.

CHRIS: And so the bargaining phase begins…

DJ BANE (over microphone): Are the party people in the house?

MIGUEL: Yes, we’re still here.

DJ BANE: I said, “Are the party people in the house?”

CHRIS & BRIAN (with crowd): Yeah!

DJ BANE: Alright, we’re going to break this down one time!

MIGUEL: Ooh, this never gets old.

(Once again, DJ Bane lifts Batman over his head and drops him down with a backbreaking move.)

MIGUEL: Ok, it’s old now. Let’s go home.

CHRIS: I have an idea that will help you have a good time. I’ll be right back.

(Chris walks away. Miguel and Brian watch him go.)

BRIAN: Is he going to talk to the DJ?

MIGUEL: Looks like it. I hope he gets pile-drived by the DJ.

(Chris approaches the DJ booth.)

CHRIS: Hey, hey DJ Bane.

DJ BANE: Hey, what’s up?

CHRIS: Yeah, buddy. I’m not sure. I never talk like this. Ever.

DJ BANE: Just pretend I’m a friend and not a DJ.

CHRIS: How is it going? Hey, it worked. Listen, my friend is kind of being a bummer tonight. Will you play a track for him? The one with all the NPR sound bites and the hip hop sensibility.

DJ BANE: It’s called “Car-Nay-Gee not Carnegie.”

CHRIS: Yeah, that's the one. Awesome.

DJ BANE: I only have the “2 Elite for This” Remix.

CHRIS: That’ll do just fine.

(Chris walks out to the dance floor and waves for Miguel and Brian to join him. He can actually hear Miguel’s sigh over the music, but they meet him on the dance floor. It’s at this point that DJ Bane speaks into the microphone.)

DJ BANE: Alright, is everybody ready for this place to go off?

MIGUEL: I hope that means “close down for the night.”

CHRIS & BRIAN (with crowd): Yeah!

(The track shifts seamlessly into Chris’s request.)

MIGUEL: Oh my god! I love this song.

(Within a few measures Miguel’s feet slowly come alive like a prude in an 80s rock video. Before a minute has passed he’s got moves like Carlton. Chris, Brian, and pretty much the entire club hits the dance floor to shake their butt (and/or their rump – shout out Fishmasters!). At some point, Brian moves in behind Miguel and starts grinding him.)

MIGUEL: What are you doing?

BRIAN: It’s ok. Liberals love homosexuality.

MIGUEL: Valid point.

DJ BANE: Yeah, this place has come alive! Is everybody feeling good!

(The crowd gives out its obligatory “yeah,” but it’s hard to hear over Miguel’s excited war cry.)

MIGUEL: YEEEEEEAAAAAH! We’re rocking this house!

DJ BANE: Alright, everyone put your hands in the air. Woot! Woot!

(The crowd obliges and let’s out a woot woot.)

DJ BANE: Now everybody lean to the left. Woot! Woot!

(The crowd obliges and let’s out a woot woot.)

DJ BANE: Now, just keep leaning to the left and try not to fall over. Are the party people in the house?

BATMAN (lying on the floor): Oh dear god, no.

INT – LOCAL DANCE CLUB – NIGHT

(Chris, Miguel, and Brian sit in the corner. Each of them has recently been sweating lots and lots.)

MIGUEL: I’m glad we decided to get out tonight. This place is a blast.

CHRIS: We have acceptance.

(The woman from earlier (you know, the whole period sketch thing) walks up to Brian. She’s rubbing his chest and his head.)

WOMAN: Oh my god. You’re so funny, which I find really attractive. And you’re gay. I want to screw your brains out so bad.

BRIAN: Ok and ok.

WOMAN: Oh my god.

BRIAN: Being funny and gay attracts women?

CHRIS: That’s pretty much the only way I ever get laid?

WOMAN: Oh my god.

(The woman walks off as suddenly as she appeared.)

MIGUEL: I’m thirsty. I haven’t sweated this much since I read about Disney buying Star Wars. I’m going to go buy us some soda.

BRIAN: Did that girl seem… I don’t know… off.

CHRIS: Compared to you?

BRIAN: Just feeling weird about that whole thing.

(Miguel walks up with three sodas in plastic cups.)

MIGUEL: I hope you don’t mind, but all they had was Mr. Pibb.

CHRIS: Oh sure, why not. We’re out and having a good time. Who am I to get uptight over a soda brand? Cheers!

(The three friends raise their cups and toast the evening. Chris takes a quick swig of the soda, before Miguel or Brian even have a chance to bring their cups to their lips. His face turns sour almost instantly and he spits up the soda all over Miguel.)

MIGUEL: What the fuck! Oh this is great!

CHRIS: Sorry about that, man. I don’t know what the hell happened.

MIGUEL: It’s ok. It just soda. At first I thought you were going to vom…

(Chris suddenly vomits all over Miguel.)

MIGUEL: What! The! FUCK!

CHRIS: I don’t…

(Vomit from Chris’s mouth to Miguel’s lap.)

MIGUEL: If I wasn’t paralyzed in disgust…

BRIAN: Colours…

(Chris vomits again.)

MIGUEL: What did you say?

BRIAN: Colors.

MIGUEL: No, say colors again.

(Chris vomits.)

MIGUEL: Will you god damn stop that!

BRIAN: Colours…

MIGUEL: See? Every so often, you say those words weird.

(Chris vomits a few steady streams. The perspective changes to Brian who is seeing the vomit spewing in bright, vibrant colours.)

BRIAN: Fuck yeah.

MIGUEL: What the hell is wrong with you, Chris! Please fucking stop!

(Vomits bright orange as Brian sees it.)

MIGUEL: Please, please stop. This was…

(Vomits bright yellow as Brian sees it.)

MIGUEL: …such a beautiful evening. Oh god.

BRIAN: It is so beautiful…

(Vomits neon blue as Brian sees it. Brian applauds girlishly.)

MIGUEL (getting a splash of vomit in the face): We just can’t do anything without it turning bad, can we? It’s always got to get weird with you.

(Miguel wipes vomit from his eyes and waits for the next burst. The woman walks by.)

WOMAN: Ooh, colours.

BRIAN: Hell yeah, sister.

CHRIS: I have a thought…

(Vomits a glowing red as Brian sees it.)

BRIAN: Glowing bloods.

CHRIS: I think whatever that girl is on seeped from her pores into Brian’s.

(Vomits.)

BRIAN: That one was this funky Prince level purple.

(Chris breathes slowly and steadily.)

CHRIS: I think I’m ok now.

MIGUEL: I would say thank god, but I’m already shell shocked.

CHRIS: Mental note. No Mr. Pibb for me.

BRIAN: Great! Let’s go!

(Brian stands up and walks for the door.)

CHRIS: I get the impression we should follow him and make sure he doesn’t try humping a policeman’s leg.

MIGUEL: Please tell me I brought a change of clothes.

CHRIS: I can’t lie to you. Not even to make you feel better. Let’s go find Brian.

(Miguel dumps the remaining drinks over him to try to knock some of the vomit off, and then follows Chris out the door.)

EXT – LOCAL DANCE CLUB - NIGHT

(Miguel finds Chris outside calling a name as if looking for someone.)

CHRIS: Chris!

(Some guy across the road looks up.)

GUY: Yeah?

CHRIS: Not you. Chris!

(Some guy walks out of the club.)

GUY 2: Did someone call me?

CHRIS: Not you! Chris!

(A passing car slams on its brakes coming to a squealing stop. It backs up slowly.)

DRIVER: Did you call me, mate?

CHRIS: No, not you.

MIGUEL: We’re looking for Brian.

CHRIS: Brian!

(Faintly down the road they hear…)

BRIAN: Colours…

DRIVER: He’s the first bloke I’ve heard who knows how to speak English since I got here.

MIGUEL: He sounds like he’s a ways down the road. We’d better try to catch him.

DRIVER: Get in. I’ll help you find him.

(Miguel looks at Chris questioningly.)

CHRIS: He’s British. What can go wrong?

(Chris and Miguel get in the car and the British Chris turns a U-Turn in the street.) They drive slowly down the road looking for Brian.)

MIGUEL: He could really be anywhere by now. We don’t know if he’s walking or running.

(They pass a building with the window broken out. An alarm is going off.)

CHRIS: Slow down. Do you have a flashlight?

(British Chris slows and gets a flashlight from his duffle bag. He hands it to Chris. Chris shines the flashlight into the building.)

CHRIS: It’s a hunting supply store, and he seems to have taken some supplies with him.

MIGUEL: Greeeeaaat.

CHRIS: Well, let’s drive on before we’re blamed.

MIGUEL: Where would a crazy moron take a rifle in the Dallas area?

CHRIS: Seriously?

MIGUEL: What?

CHRIS: Too soon, Miguel.

MIGUEL: What?

BRITISH CHRIS: Pretty tasteless, mate. And I’m not even from here.

MIGUEL: What are you talking about?

CHRIS: Pull over to this convenience store. I have an idea.

(British Chris pulls into the store parking lot and parks. Chris goes in and buys something. When he comes out he has a six pack of Mr. Pibb.)

MIGUEL: Oh no. You’ve covered me with puke enough already.

CHRIS: Not for me. Move over.

(They drive on; following the path that they feel makes the most sense…)

MIGUEL: Isn’t that Brian’s shirt?

(…which mostly involves following the path of Brian’s discarded clothing, until…)

MIGUEL: Is that Brian?

CHRIS: Yes.

MUGUEL: Is he going into the woods?

CHRIS: Yes.

MIGUEL: Is he completely naked

CHRIS: Yes.

MIGUEL: Do we really have to follow?

CHRIS (sighs): Yes.

(British Chris brings the car to a stop and reaches over and tries to open the door by grabbing Miguel’s breast (men have breasts too, they’re just not as fun to look at).)

BRITISH CHRIS: Ugh. I’ll never get used to this driver side on the left thing.

(They all get out. Chris grabs the flashlight. He empties out British Chris’s duffle bag and puts the Mr. Pibb in. They move into the woods slowly. Chris tries to use his tracking skills to find Brian, but soon realizes that Hollywood probably invented that shit as a way to explain people finding other living creatures in the woods.)

MIGUEL: I never would have pegged Brian as evasive.

CHRIS: Quiet, or you’ll get us all killed.

BRITISH CHRIS: Wait, is your friend dangerous? I wouldn’t have come along…

CHRIS: Chill out, man. I’ve just always wanted to say that in context, and this seemed like the closest to that I’d get.

(It’s at this point that Brian jumps out from the bushes and jumps on British Chris, licking his face.)

BRITISH CHRIS: Oh god, he is dangerous.

(Brian dismounts.)

BRIAN: Chill out, man. I just wanted to lick your face for some reason.

(Brian walks over to the bushes and bends over. Everybody cringes and looks away.)

MIGUEL: I could have lived my whole life without seeing that again.

CHRIS: Again?

MIGUEL: Long story that I think I’d suppressed.

BRIAN: Uh, guys.

(They all look. Brian is holding three rifles. He tosses one to Miguel and one to Chris. They catch them.)

BRIAN: C’mon. We’re going Snipes hunting.

MIGUEL: It’s snipe hunting, and it’s not a real…

BRIAN: Wesley! Come out wherever you are!

MIGUEL: Nevermind. I see what you did there.

(Chris picks up the duffle bag and tries to rush up to Brian who is moving at a pretty good clip.)

CHRIS: Brian, I need you to drink…

(There is a loud growling sound and everyone freezes in their tracks.)

CHRIS: I’m guessing that’s not a Wesley.

BRIAN: Something ungodly inhabits these woods. Show yourself awkward heathen!

(A bear exits the woods. The camera angle cuts to a shot of the bear looking ferocious in slightly different light.)

MIGUEL: Holy shit, holy fuck! Chris what’s happening?

(Chris and Miguel start to back away slowly. Brian just stands there taunting the bear, but doesn’t seem to be doing anything to either subdue or kill it.)

BRITISH CHRIS: Oh bloody hell. I thought all you Americans were trained with guns before your fifth birthday.

(British Chris grabs the rifle from Chris and fires at the bear catching it in the shoulderish area. The bear growls but ultimately slinks off.)

CHRIS: That was very good. Thanks, man.

(British Chris turns and fires the gun at Chris, hitting him in the shoulder.)

CHRIS: What do you have against shoulders?

(Chris looks at his shoulder and sees that it was only slightly grazed.)

CHRIS: Ok, I need everyone to drop their guns. We’re all a little shaken up because of the bear, and someone is going to get hurt…

(Three guns drop to the ground.)

CHRIS: Thank you.

(And suddenly Brian and British Chris are rushing Miguel.)

MIGUEL: Chrisssssss!

CHRIS: Damn it, Brian! What are you doing now!

(Brian tackles Miguel and he and British Chris start taking bites out of Miguel’s flesh. Miguel screams, but is secretly enamored with the blood and gore. Chris kicks Brian in the head, but it doesn't seem to stop him. He kicks British Chris in the head, but only gets part of Miguel’s shoulder spit on him in response.)

CHRIS: Damn it. I bought this shirt at the concert.

(Brian tears Miguel’s shirt and claws at Miguel’s stomach until he tears it open and pulls out intestines. Miguel looks down at his stomach.)

MIGUEL: That is so cool.

(Then Miguel passes out from the shock. Meanwhile, Chris is running over to get one of the rifles. He realizes that he’s going to have to kill a couple of people. Then he sees the duffle bag. He remembers his plan before things went so bad. He has one other possible hope. He grabs the Mr. Pibb and slowly approaches the two cannibals.)

CHRIS: Brian, I think you need something to wash that down.

(Chris reaches out the Mr. Pibb and pours it in Brian’s mouth, watching to make sure that Brian doesn’t take off his hand in the process. Brian’s face turns instantly sour and he spits up the soda on Miguel’s intestines. Miguel’s dead body randomly jerks from the last of his brainwaves, as if in protest of being vomited on again. And on cue, the vomiting starts. Brian starts a 2-minute vomit journey like the one Chris had earlier.)

BRITISH CHRIS: Colors…

(Chris wastes no time. He uses British Chris’s distraction from the meal at hand (and the hand that he was making a meal of) to pour a Mr. Pibb down the British man’s throat. His face turns instantly sour and the vomiting starts. The camera cuts to an aerial shot and pulls slowly away from the scene of the two men vomiting all over the corpse as an extremely good looking long-haired man watches in disgust.

INT – BRIAN, CHRIS, AND MIG… WELL, BRIAN AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT – MORNING

(Chris stares listlessly at a box of cereal. The cereal in his bowl has long sense gone soggy. Brian walks into the kitchen.)

BRIAN: I take it from my hangover that we had a great time last night.

(Chris glares at Brian for a brief moment and then throws the soggy cereal across the room against the wall. Brian pinches between his eyes as the bowl spins loudly on the floor, finally settling after what seems like forever.)

BRIAN: Whatever way I molested you after I blacked out, I apologize.

CHRIS: You really don’t remember anything?

BRIAN: Look, I’m just saying with the long hair, I might have…

CHRIS: Brian! You got dosed with some sort of bad PCP laced X-tacy or something through skin contact with some girl. Everything that happened after that was horrible.

BRIAN: I don’t remember any of this.

CHRIS: You don’t remember running off? You don’t remember the bear?

BRIAN: I remember some British douche bag. Listen Chris, I’m sorry I don’t remember anything; but to be fair, Miguel must have been just as fucked up, because he says he doesn’t remember much of anything either.

CHRIS: Miguel is dead, you insensitive prick. You and that British douche bag ate him.

BRIAN: Now that you mention it, I do have a terrible aftertaste in my mouth.

CHRIS: That’s the Mr. Pibb.

BRIAN: But I think you must have had a bad dream, because I just spoke to Miguel in the bathroom. He was on the toilet reading something about George Lucas.

(Chris stands abruptly, pushing the chair to the floor.)

BRIAN: What is wrong with you?

CHRIS: I hope for your sake that you’re still hallucinating, because this disrespect of the dead…

BRIAN: Go look for yourself. Miguel’s alive on the toilet. He smells like he crapped out something dead, but he’s alive.

(Chris walks past Brian, slamming Brian’s shoulder with his own.)

BRIAN: And I thought that British guy was a douche bag.

(Chris opens the bathroom door to find Miguel reading, “I’m an Atheist Unless George Lucas is God.”)

CHRIS: You’re aliv…

(Chris gags on the smell. He pulls his shirt over his mouth.)

MIGUEL: Hey! Crazy times last night. Neither me nor Brian can remem…

CHRIS: Brian and British Chris ate you after getting hold of some bad drugs.

MIGUEL: What?

CHRIS: Last time I saw you, your intestines were mealtime.

MIGUEL: Really?

CHRIS: So there should be no remembering for you. You’re dead.

MIGUEL: Wow. Let me finish cra… these last couple of paragraphs, and I’ll explain in my bedroom.

(Chris goes into Miguel’s bedroom and waits. Miguel walks in.)

MIGUEL: That’s some good reading. Anyway, you can’t tell Brian this, ok?

CHRIS: Depends on what it is.

MIGUEL: I have a cloning machine.

CHRIS: You what?

MIGUEL: It creates a temporary clone of whoever you want as long as you have some of their DNA. The clone will eventually dissolve into thin air, but it lasts long enough to send to work if you don’t feel like going.

CHRIS: A cloning machine?

MIGUEL: Yeah, I got it for being a part of the Industrial Light and Magic Fan Club.

CHRIS: Great. This is “Yellow Ledbetter” all over again.

MIGUEL: Since I love my job at the Post Office, I only ever use my one free clone a month when Brian gets it in his head to go “do something fun.” Normally, when it comes home, I question it before it dissolves. I fell asleep early, so I figured it must have already dissolved.

(Chris looks at Miguel with a look of minor shock on his face.)

MIGUEL: For what it’s worth, I’m sorry you had a horrible evening. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

CHRIS: Yeah, next time Brian wants to “do something fun,” the clone that is going along is going to be mine.