Saturday, December 3, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Forty-Eight - Search and Destroy

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

(Larry and Nathan stand atop the platform on the Thought Amplification Cannon with Paul holding them at gunpoint, unloading all this grief over Angelina’s betrayal of him with Garrett. The professor and Chris are both dueling with swords in the middle of the huge fight below. Names and accusations float up from their battle.)

NATHAN: Look Paul... we don’t care if the International Association of Realtors gets the gun. Just keep it away from the professor. Right, Larry?

(Nathan keeps looking significantly at Paul’s gun, trying to send Larry a message.)

LARRY: Yeah, that guy is a nut job.

(Paul’s mind wanders at Larry’s last statement, and he begins to cry more.)

NATHAN: Don’t irritate him anymore, Larry. Who knows when he might shoot that GUN.

PAUL: Everything has fallen apart! The cannon should have been finished before all this!

(Paul waves the gun about the chaos.)

QUINCY: Thank you.

(Quincy comes up behind Paul and snatches the gun out of his hand. Paul begins crying that much louder.)

QUINCY: What a whine-bag!

(Quincy shoves the feeble Paul off the cannon platform.)

NATHAN: Oh no, LARRY! Quincy has the GUN!

LARRY: I can see that.

QUINCY: Now I can cross you off my “to kill” list.

NATHAN: You don’t kill people, Quincy.

QUINCY: Oh, don’t I?

NATHAN: No?

QUINCY: Lacey, Loony, Mike... gone.

NATHAN: Not Mike Timmons!

QUINCY: Yes. Let’s just say I PUNCHED him OUT of a window.

NATHAN: You didn’t kill Will Smif...

QUINCY: Let’s just say he's now the Prince of Foul Aire now... Te he he he.

NATHAN: You Monster. No wonder the professor hired you. He wouldn’t kill... but you.

QUINCY: Don’t get me wrong. My first love will always be the shattering of glass.

(Quincy goes on and on about breaking glass, and Nathan continues to try to get Larry to take care of the gun.)

NATHAN: Oh Larry... what are we going to do? Quincy has the GUN.

LARRY: Yeah. I know

NATHAN: Turn the fucking gun into something else already!

(Larry blinks then realizes what Nathan means.)

LARRY: Oh, sorry.

(Larry turns the gun into a small pane of glass. Quincy looks at it in surprise and is quickly fascinated with it. An evil gleam shows in his eyes.)

NATHAN: This is for the According To Whim headquarters!

(Nathan pulls back and punches Quincy right in the nose. There is a cracking sound and Quincy goes flying off the little platform, onto the ground. Nathan pushes Larry quickly aside, and pulls the lever that moves the T.A.C. over and down, pointing it at his hated foe. Quincy talks through his broken nose.)

QUINCY: Buf I bibn’t blow it up. Chrib bib.

NATHAN: Sorry couldn’t understand you. And this is for my shop!

(Nathan shoves the T.A.C. interface helmet onto Larry’s head then whispers in his ear. He presses the fire button and Quincy vanishes. In his place, is a large free-standing window with stained glass. The image in the stained glass is Quincy looking rather nervous.)

NATHAN: Hope no one breaks you.

(Nathan, feeling like his life has been put back together ever since the glass-breaking incident years ago yells a kamikaze yell and leaps onto a crowd of fighters below. Meanwhile, in the thick of the action Miguel fights on.)

MIGUEL: Can you smell what Miguel is cookin’?!

(Miguel lifts a COBALT trooper over his head and throws him into a Chris clone chamber, smashing the glass. Miguel moves forward in his blood lust, like a Barbarian who rolled double sixes. After throwing aside a battered redneck clone, he comes to Angelina and Garrett.)

MIGUEL: You!

(Angelina unlocks from Garrett.)

ANGELINA: Hi there, Miguel.

(Angelina reaches to her collar and slips a small gun from it, pulling her shirt apart and she levels the gun down. Her ginormous boobs are let free, designed to distract Miguel just long enough.)

MIGUEL: Poo!

(Miguel bats aside the gun totally ignoring the boobs and grabs Angelina by the throat.)

ANGELINA: Oh dear. Those have never failed me.

MIGUEL: Miguel smash!

ANGELINA: Darling... do something.

(Garrett looks embarrassed.)

GARRETT: Oh my. Is that the time? My shift starts soon.

(Garrett runs off.)

ANGELINA: You asshooooooo.

(She is cut off, as the enraged and over testosteroned Miguel squeezes her neck more.)

MIGUEL: You played us all!

(It’s at this point that the writer has to stop and draw out a small diagram so he can figure out who cheated who and who’s being true... and who don’t even care anymore.)

ANGELINA: ...

(Miguel realizes Angelina can’t give a rebuttal, so he loosens his grip.)

ANGELINA: I was hired by the Re/Max people until the professor secretly offered me more.

MIGUEL: Gggrrrrrrr.

ANGELINA: Then Garrett contacted me after he got a whiff of what was going on with Chris. I hired him to watch over you.

MIGUEL: He tried to kill us by dumping us out of that plane!

ANGELINA: He knew you would survive that fall with Larry in the truck.

MIGUEL: Noooo! Too much information! No make sense!

ANGELINA: Yesterday, I got an even better offer from COBALT to tell them where this place was! Ooof.

MIGUEL: Why you with Garrett?! What deal you make with him?

ANGELINA: No deal, he has a twelve inch cock. I’m into that shit.

MIGUEL: Grrrrrhhhhhhgggg.

(Angelina turns blue again, almost unconscious.)

PAUL: I STILL LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

(Paul comes flying at Miguel and knocks him over, freeing Angelina. Miguel crashes through a pane of stained glass some fool left in the middle of the room. Miguel is knocked out cold.)

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[INT – FLOORSHOW OF BLOOD – DAY]

CHRIS: Clank. Clank. Clank… Clank…

PROFESSOR: Will you stop saying “clank” every time our swords strike?

CHRIS: Sure. Clank. Clank. Hmm, and yet I’m still saying it.

(Grrrl 1 falls against Chris, and is leaning against him back to back, as Chris swordfights the professor.)

GRRRL 1: Hello, Chris.

CHRIS: Hello, Grrrl 1. How’s it going?

GRRRL 1: Well, a naked clone of you is strangling me to death right now.

CHRIS: I thought your voice sounded stifled and hoarse.

GRRRL 1: Yeah, that’s why. Do you mind if I use your shoulders as support so I can lift my legs around your clone’s neck and snap it?

(Chris continues to fight. Grrrl 1 one continues to be choked.)

GRRRL 1: I need an answer soon.

CHRIS: I’m sorry, what answer? With the noise of the swords all I heard was, “I can lift my legs around your neck.” I thought you were trying to distract me so I’d get stabbed.

(Suddenly, Grrrl 2 appears and kicks the Chris clone in the head. It falls unconscious. Grrrl 1 and Grrrl 2 launch back into the battle. It’s around this time that Miguel is waking up.)

MIGUEL: I still love you too, Paul, but damn it man. That hurt.

(Miguel can hear Nathan calling from the T.A.C. He stands up on uneven footing and wobbles over to Nathan and Larry.)

MIGUEL: Hey guys, this is so much fun. Ow.

NATHAN: It’s not going to be fun for long.

MIGUEL: For a whi… ow… a while at least. You look like you were having fun.

NATHAN: Yeah, I got in there for a few minutes. I think I get why Chris likes mosh pits now.

MIGUEL: It’s crazy, isn’t it?

NATHAN: Yeah, but I couldn’t go for too long.

MIGUEL: Too much exertion for someone in your age group?

NATHAN: No, I just got tired of being slapped by the genitalia of Chris’s clones.

MIGUEL: Really? That bothered you?

NATHAN: Miguel, listen to me. We have to get Chris out of here. We have to let the professor, Paul, and COBALT fight this whole thing out.

MIGUEL: But if any of them end up using that machine…

NATHAN: I know. And you’re thinking exactly what Chris is thinking.

MIGUEL: How would you know?

LARRY: I convinced him to unlearn years of skeptical thinking and realize that the only reason he could no longer read minds was because people made him believe that he could no longer read minds.

NATHAN: Once I removed that mental block, the thoughts of all the people in this room became clear. The fact is that Chris is about to lose that fight. He’s tired. He’s having a minor asthma attack. He’s thinking that the only other course of action is to overheat the T.A.C.

MIGUEL: That’s a good idea… isn’t it?

NATHAN: It would take us all out.

MIGUEL: To dinner?

NATHAN: No, we’d be the ones who were cooked.

MIGUEL: This is a bad thing. Ok, I’ve got this. I can get us out of here. Larry, stick close to Nathan. I’m going to go throw something at the professor.

(Miguel walks out to the bloodstained cave floor. He grabs the unconscious clone of Chris with a dead man’s lift and walks over to the swordfight. He throws the clone, which lands (if that’s what you want to call it) at the tip of the professor’s sword, which does a terrible job of stopping it. The clone instead slides in a blood streaked manner all the way down the sword and topples the professor backward, so that his wheelchair falls back.)

NATHAN: I thought he meant a rock or something.

(Chris holds up his sword ready to kill the professor, when suddenly Stubby walks in with a troop of crazy looking robots.)

CHRIS: What the hell now?

PROFFESOR: My kamikaze robots! You will never escape them, Chris.

CHRIS: What kind of twisted, deranged person are you?

PROFESSOR: I was trying to just make some robots to clean my classroom and pass out exam sheets, but they kept running after people and exploding. I shut them down, but I kept them so in case I one day could figure out what was wrong with the AI coding.

(Shag walks backward past Miguel and Chris. He is being half strangled by a COBALT troop, but is putting up a terrible fight by slapping wildly at him.)

SHAG: Hey, hey dudes. Remember at your shop when I jumped over that shark?

CHRIS AND MIGUEL: No?

PROFESSOR: Kamikaze robots! Get Chris and Miguel!

CHRIS: Miguel! You asshole! I refuse to be faded like this!

MIGUEL: It’s not my fault! Run!

(Chris and Miguel run, and Nathan and Larry run after them. As they leave the cave, they hear two explosions and then Eric’s scream.)

ERIC: Not Chris and Miguel. Those were two of my best men!

CHRIS: There can only be one…

MIGUEL: You’re a little deranged too, sometimes. I wonder if they all went after those two COBALT troops with the unfortunately similar names.

(They hear the whirring of robot engines enter in through the cavern behind them.)

CHRIS: I guess not.

NATHAN: This is not what I had in mind when I got out of bed this morning.

CHRIS: I don’t think you slept last night.

NATHAN: Hmm. I think you’re right.

MIGUEL: We’re running right for a cliff at the end of a dead end.

NATHAN: Hmm. I think you’re right too.

(They find themselves trapped. They can hear the robots getting closer.)

MIGUEL: I’m going to get us out of this. For once in my life, I’m going to get something right.

CHRIS: Actions as opposed to words at this point, Miguel.

MIGUEL: Chris or Larry. Can either of you manifest a rope and a grappling hook?

(A rope and a grappling hook appear on the floor. Miguel looks back and forth at Chris and Larry. They both just shrug, bewildered. Miguel grabs it and ties the rope to the hook.)

CHRIS: Um Miguel… I don’t think…

(Miguel starts trying to hook it on something, anything at the top of the cliff.)

CHRIS: That won’t hold.

(The hook catches something.)

MIGUEL: Quick! I got the grappling hook to catch.

CHRIS: That would be fine, if you’d attached the rope properly.

(Chris pulls on the rope. It comes away from the grappling hook, and falls to the ground.)

MIGUEL: Damn it. I’m sorry, Chris. I really thought I could get us away from those Kamikaze robots.

CHRIS: It’s ok, Miguel. You did your best.

MIGUEL: But I really thought I would save the day.

CHRIS: You may still surprise us all by getting us out of here.

(They look down the hall to see the robots coming at them, already sparking from wires ready to short and explode. Chris, Larry, Miguel, and Nathan all hold up their hands in a feeble attempt to shield themselves from impact. It’s at this point that a whole lot of crazy shit starts to happen as Chris and Larry both alter reality just enough to… and then everything goes black.)

(End Episode Forty-Eight)

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