Saturday, December 24, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Fifty-One – Wrap It Up, I'll Take It

by the According To Whim .com crew

(This Episode by Nathan Stout)

[EXT – STUBBY’S FLOODED HIDEOUT / SIX FLAGS – DAY]

NATHAN: Miguel, what’s poking me?!

(Nathan blinks awake. He is sitting in one of the Roaring Rapids rafts that brought them all up from the depths of Stubby’s now flooded-out hideout deep below Six Flags. The raft is sitting in on dry ground now, the water receded away.)

NATHAN: What happened?

(Everyone in the raft blinks, as if waking.)

LARRY: Sorry, I had to put everyone out for a bit.

(Chris looks around and sees the other raft with the Grrrls in it.)

CHRIS: So the Grrrls are still here! Maybe Nathan didn’t ruin everything.

NATHAN: Why did you mess with our minds?

LARRY: I had to take care of a few things. I altered reality to see what would happen next if I didn’t interfere and I didn’t like it so I took some steps...

PAUL: Yooohoooooooooooooo!

(Everyone looks up. High overhead Dentre’s RE/MAX balloon is floating away with Paul and Angelina in it.)

DENTRE: Paul!

PAUL: Sorry guys, Angelina and I have some making up to do. By the way, I found this floating in the water. I think it’s yours Nathan.

(Nathan’s red Tron Lightcycle lands in his lap.)

NATHAN: Sheesh...

MIGUEL: Are you going to go after them? Need some help beating the crap out of him? I can assist.

DENTRE: Nah... What’s the point? The crisis is over, Paul’s no threat, and Angelina only works for those who pay her, so she’s no danger either.

SHAG: Groovy.

NATHAN: Yeah...

SHAG: No, groovy as in... this is groovy.

(Shag fishes something out of the puddle of water the raft sits in. It’s a plastic shark.)

SHAG: I think that’s my cue. I’m out of here man.

(Shag leaps over the rail and scoots out of sight in a 70s kind of fashion. He calls out after he rounds a corner.)

SHAG: Been fun, Dentre. Ring me up when you need more swingin’ help.

(Eric comes running up to the raft and clasps a hand on the now-feeble professor.)

ERIC: You are coming with me, sir.

(The professor looks around a little confused.)

PROFESSOR: Ehhhhh?

LARRY: I don’t think so. Eric, there is nothing more you can do to the professor. He is now old beyond use... or misuse by anyone.

(Eric looks down and realizes that he is now holding a python. He yelps and drops it whereupon it vanishes. The professor is still just sitting there, staring out at nothing.)

CHRIS: This is cool. It’s like Larry has evolved into some sort of god or something and is setting things to rights.

MIGUEL: There is a name for that in movies and books...

(Miguel’s testosterone-fueled mind can’t think of the word, since clear thinking is more for those in the realm of normality, and not the World Wrestling Federation.

NATHAN: The phrase is “Deus Ex Machina” and you taught me that. It means “god out of the machine.”

LARRY: I’m no god. I am just more than I once was.

ERIC: Jay used in next maraschino or not, the professor has a lot to answer for!

LARRY: Go away.

(Eric vanishes along with his troops.)

CHRIS: Good one!

NATHAN: Where is he?

[INT - MILITARY BASE - DAY]

(Eric is sitting at his desk. He looks confused.)

ERIC: What... where?

(Eric tries to remember how in the heck he got here but there is a fog and he just can’t. He sits in the silence for a long time trying to remember, but nothing is coming through.)

ERIC: I was looking for someone or something...

(Eric thinks and thinks then sees the book on his desk.)

ERIC: Ha!

(Eric remembers that whatever this book is about is the key. It’s the book he got from the Comicon. He knows for sure that he must build whatever this book is about. That is the key to all his hard work over the months.)

ERIC: I remember!

(Eric pages through the book, mentally planning his next move. His life goal is within reach again, and no one is going to be able to stop him. The book is “The Ladies Home Journal of Crochet Hats,” circa 1972.)

[EXT – STUBBY’S FLOODED HIDEOUT / SIX FLAGS – DAY]

CHRIS: What about the professor? He’s hardly going to be able to take care of himself now.

LARRY: I need you and Miguel to take him to Dainty Pines Assisted Living Center. He can spend his days playing board games with Stan and Oliver. Arrangements have been made and your car is out at the front gate.

(Chris and Miguel do as they are told because you don’t want anyone who can think you out of existence to be irritated at you. They help the old codger out of the raft and walk him out of the park and out of this story.)

LARRY: Grrrls...

(By this time, everyone has disembarked from their rafts, and are standing around Larry.)

GRRLS: Yes?

LARRY: Thank you for making me a man.

NATHAN: Perhaps that’s what brought your powers to their fullest extent? If that’s the case...

(Nathan holds his arms out to the Grrrls, and they all turn their noses up at him.)

LARRY: I appreciate what you did, but you now need to live chaste lives. Loose lips sink ships...

(There is a nervous titter from the group.)

LARRY: Remind me not to tell that one again. Anyway, I have restored and expanded your salon, so that the income will sustain you all in a rather normal manner. No more contact killings...

(They reply in unison.)

GRRLS: Yes, Larry. Thank you, Larry.

LARRY: Good.

(Larry twitches his nose. They vanish from the park and appear in spanking new salon gear at their spanking new salon: The Healing Touche II: Electric Boutique... don’t worry, only a small percentage of you will get that joke.)

LARRY: I have nothing to do to or for you, Dentre. Your path is already set.

(Dentre exhales, as he looks about Arlington with its broken glass and depressed property values.)

LARRY: Your mission of stopping Quincy failed to an extent, but you and your organization will be thrilled with the upswing of market values once insurance companies have paid out to repair the damage.

(Dentre looks hopeful.)

LARRY: One word of advice... get into house flipping right now. You will make a killing. Oh yeah, and invest in glass companies. There were a lot of windows in this city.

(Dentre has a positive jump in his step, and he vaults out of the raft, linking arm and arm with the gold pant-suited Century 21 agents. They stroll out of the park... yep... and out of the story.)

NATHAN: Where’s Stubby?!

LARRY: He did leave as you dreamed it. We are about to take care of him now.

(There is a flash, and Nathan and Larry are sitting in LoseStar Casino at Stubby’s Blackjack table. Stubby freezes when he sees the two. His shock turns to anger, but he regains control of himself.)

STUBBY: Dealer has 21.

(There is a disappointed sigh from the others at the table. He begins collect the cards. His work hampered as it always is by his short, stubby fingers.)

LARRY: Let’s play.

(There are some chips in front of Larry and Nathan. Nathan wants to point out the fact that Larry is far too young to be gambling, but since he could probably obliterate the world with one thought, Nathan thinks better of it. Stubby watches them both with malevolence. After a couple of hands, Larry breaks the silence.)

LARRY: Ok, I think we are done. Nathan, tip the man.

(Nathan reaches into his pocket at Larry’s prompting and finds a stack of bills in it. Larry nods his head at Stubby.)

NATHAN: Here... you... go...

(Nathan puts the money on the table hesitatingly.)

NATHAN: Chris and I wanted you to... have this...

(Stubby looks stunned.)

LARRY: And they wanted you to have this too.

(Stubby’s hands cramp up and he bends over them. They hurt like hell, but then he sees them transforming, becoming longer, more normal sized. Stubby’s eyes fill with tears and he looks at his beautiful long fingers. The hot chick sitting at the table raises an eyebrow. She smiles at him and his long fingers. Her body gives an involuntary quiver.)

LARRY: Taken care of.

(The two walk to the front of the casino.)

LARRY: Well, I think that is about all. Here, gimmie that Lightcycle.

(Nathan hands him the toy.)

NATHAN: What about Garrett?

LARRY: Angelina will be taking care of him. I assure you nothing I could do could begin to equal the revenge she will have planned. I am going ahead alone. Head back and I will meet you, Miguel, and Chris. I will finish all this mess up and we can get on with our lives.

(Larry vanishes.)

NATHAN: Wait! How do I get back!?

PORTER: Sir, here are your keys.

(Nathan turns to the porter who hands him some keys. Nathan looks past him at the very real bright red Lightcycle waiting for him.)

NATHAN: Oh man...

(End of Episode Fifty-One)

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