Saturday, December 17, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Fifty – Gently Down the Stream

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

(The millions of gallons of water have completely filled Stubby’s cave and is beginning to rise back up towards the surface and the gaping hole above. Shag, Dentre, Chris, Nathan, Paul, Angelina, Miguel, and old man professor lie about in the Roaring Rapids raft wet and tired. It lazily bobs as the water level in the cave rises.)

CHRIS: Well, that about wraps it up. I think we completed my intended goal quite nicely.

NATHAN: Here, here.

MIGUEL: There, there.

SHAG: Groovy.

(A mumbling sound comes from Paul and Angelina, who are horizontal on floor of the raft, making out.)

DENTRE: What are we going to do about him?

(Dentre points to the shriveled up professor. The professor looks up.)

PROFESSOR: Huh, ehhhhh?

DENTRE: NOTHING old man, just sit there!

(Dentre has to shout it because the professor can’t hear much anymore.)

NATHAN: I don’t know. He’s not much of a danger now.

CHRIS: What do you want to do next?

MIGUEL: Fight!

NATHAN: Sleep for Christ’s sake!

SHAG: Bubble bath with some hot mammas.

CHRIS: I think we need to...

(Chris stops and tries to think.)

CHRIS: We have to...

(He thinks some more.)

CHRIS: I don’t know right now.

NATHAN: Because there is nothing else! You stirred up every pot and there is no more trouble for you to get into. Perhaps bed...

CHRIS: What about Garrett? Surely we need to deal with him.

(Angelina stops kissing.)

ANGELINA: Don’t worry I’ll deal with that sack of shit at some point.

(She goes back to kissing.)

CHRIS: Oh.

(Across the cavern, another couple of rafts slowly float along. Eric and a couple of his troops, along with Larry sit around in one raft, waiting to get to the top of the cave. In the other raft, a collection of gold pant-suited agents and the Grrrls sit.)

ERIC: This is the biggest failure my agency has ever experienced. We will be the laughing stock of the government.

LARRY: It doesn’t matter, the T.A.C. never really worked right. If you did get it, you'd only look like an even bigger fool than you do now.

ERIC: It didn’t work?!

LARRY: Nope. I just acted like it did so the professor would try and fail miserably. Now if you will excuse me.

(Larry vanishes and appears in the other raft. The women in the raft squeal at the cute boy and gather around him. They rub his hair and knock his glasses sideways and ooh and ahh all over him. Larry’s eyes roll and he has a big cheesy grin on.)

CHRIS: You know... I just wanted to have a little fun with my newly found powers...

NATHAN: I’d say you accomplished that goal beyond your wildest dreams.

CHRIS: We did have some fun didn’t we?

NATHAN: Speak for yourself.

MIGUEL: Yes, I had some fuckin’ bad-assed fun. I feel the need for more. I think I’ll join the MMA!

DENTRE: You know, Miguel, we are always looking for additional agents.

MIGUEL: Maybe. I gotta go where the action is.

(There is a squishy kissing noise and Shag points down at Paul and Angelina.)

SHAG: I think THAT’S where the action is right now!

(Everyone laughs as if it is some sit com.)

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

(But what they don’t realize is that there is an even bigger evil that they will have to face in the sequel “Flash! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!”)

NATHAN: No! I’m calling bullshit.

(Fine.)

[EXT – BALLOON MADE RIVER – DAY]

NATHAN: Where is Chris?

MIGUEL: What do you mean where is Chris?

NATHAN: I mean that Chris is missing all of a sudden, and any time he goes missing, things become complicated again.

MIGUEL: Where was the last place you remember seeing him.

NATHAN: Over there where that pile of snoring black clothes is.

MIGUEL: That pile of snoring black clothes is Chris. He’s gone to sleep.

(Nathan crawls across the raft and smacks Chris.)

CHRIS: Heeeey! Wot’s, uh, the deal?

NATHAN: You got a lot of nerve passing out before I’ve had a chance to get home and get some sleep.

CHRIS: Not my fault that I’m bored after riding through a flooded Arlington on a raft for the last thirty minutes.

DENTRE: Yeah, this isn’t going to help property values over here any. Not that they were all that fantastic after Quincy’s glass breaking incident.

SHAG: Hey man, this is the groovy part though. Floods are covered under federal disaster funds. High powered amps aren’t. In a year or so, Arlington will be restored back to its original condition.

DENTRE: We can hope. Speaking of Quincy, I haven’t seen him since the flood. I hope he didn’t drown.

NATHAN: No, he didn’t drown, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing much of him in the future.

(Unless there is an evil brewing that…)

NATHAN: Still calling bullshit!

(Fine.)

MIGUEL: So what are you guys going to do about Paul? I mean the guy got a little bit nutty near the end there.

DENTRE: That’ll be for the International Association of Realtors to decide. You can’t repeat this to anyone, but the I.A.R. has its own court system, being a secret society like the Masons and the Illuminati.

CHRIS: Wow! Hey Eric! Did you know that the I.A.R. has its own court system, being a secret society like the Masons and the Illuminati?

ERIC: Of course I knew, Cliff.

CHRIS: My name is Chris!

(Chris notices Eric and Larry high-fiving in the other raft, and he starts to grumble. Then Larry appears in the raft with Chris, Nathan, and Miguel.)

LARRY: Hey, I just wanted to tell you guys goodbye. I’m going to transcend beyond my physical limitations. I’ve finally acquired enough knowledge in my lifetime to see beyond this matter dependant existence.

SHAG: That’s like totally far out, little man.

CHRIS: I agree with Shag. I haven’t ever admitted to this, but that’s my long term goal is transcendence from this corporeal plane of existence, you know, after starting the world’s most legendary band and writing a few hundred books.

NATHAN: I’d be happy with a full night of sleep. I could call it transcendence from this conscious plane existence.

LARRY: It’s been interesting everyone. Goodbye.

(With that Larry turns into pure light and then disappears from sight.)

SHAG: Groovy!

MIGUEL: Bad ass!

DENTRE: Fascinating.

NATHAN: Motherfucker.

CHRIS: Nathan, we really need to review your slang usage and comprehension study material.

NATHAN: No! That motherfucker transcended and never explained anything about how he became involved in all of this. And the professor is pretty incoherent, so we’ll probably never find out from him. Her Eric! Do you know anything about Larry?

ERIC: Yes.

NATHAN: Anything you can tell us?

ERIC: No.

NATHAN: Motherfucker.

CHRIS: I’d be happy with an explanation of who the hell Eric is.

(After another hour or so, the water finally thins out enough that the rafts hit land. Everyone piles out. Shag and Dentre call the I.A.R, and Paul and Angelina are taken into custody pending charges of Unethical Realty.)

NATHAN: Isn’t that phrase a little redundant?

(Eric and his COBALT goons take the professor and his agents into custody, just because no one really knows what to do with them. Stubby goes to work, a little irritated that things didn’t work out for him.)

CHRIS: You know that we’re going to have to go beat up Garrett and get my Duran Duran collection back.

NATHAN: Chris. Seriously. We’ll have time for that, but after we’ve slept for a change. Besides, if you haven’t noticed, everyone is gone except for us and Grrrl 1, Grrrl 2, and Grrrl 3.

(Chris grins from ear to ear.)

CHRIS: I see your point.

[INT – NATHAN’S BED – NIGHT]

(Chris, Miguel, and Nathan are all cuddled up under the blankets. Chris sighs very heavily.)

NATHAN: I said I was sorry!

(Chris sighs.)

NATHAN: I’m sorry! In retrospect, pointing out that, “You Grrrls have a night job to get to and we need to get to bed,” was probably not a great suggestion, and I would have been better off suggesting, “You Grrrls deserve a night off and some loving massages that we’re willing to give.” Next time…

CHRIS: If there’s a next time.

NATHAN: I’m sorry!

CHRIS: Just go to sleep. We have a lot of things to try to clear up tomorrow.

(End Episode Fifty)

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