Saturday, November 26, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Forty-Seven - A Little Gratuitous Everything

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

LARRY: Chris isn't dead.

(Nathan and Miguel lean over a bit, looking back into the main chamber. Chris’s body is missing.)

MIGUEL: What?

NATHAN: How?

LARRY: I transformed the bullet into something else at the last moment. You might want to stay around a little longer.

MIGUEL: Let’s just get Chris and go!

NATHAN: We can’t go back in there. It’s raining bullets.

LARRY: Not for long.

(Larry turns around, facing the room. Suddenly, the guns everyone is firing turn into cats and the bullets in mid-air turn into mice. There is a general squeal from some of the females in the room, and then a cacophony of cat yowls, as twenty felines squirm to get free.)

LARRY: Let’s go!

(The three run back into the cave as the cats scratch their way to the floor, some chasing mice, some running for cover. After the general confusion, everybody was kung-fu fighting. Those kids were fast as lightning. Shag, Dentre, and the Century 21 agents suddenly discover they are back on even terms and join in the melee.)

PROFESSOR: No!!!!!!

(Everyone near the professor turns to look at what has the normally ice-cold professor in such a tizzy. The professor is looking at the T.A.C. – Thought Amplification Cannon where Chris is sitting at the controls.)

CHRIS: Laugh at my nakedness, will you?!

(Chris puts the interface helmet on and fires the cannon at the row of naked clones of himself that are still standing goo-eyed off to the side. Chris’s thought is shot into the clones and they come alive with a purpose. All then jump down and run into the fight.)

QUINCY: Ewwww.

(Quincy expresses the same thought that everyone who is fighting a naked Chris clone has. They dodge left or right, trying to avoid the clones’ naughty bits only to be caught off guard to punches and kicks. No one wants to fight a naked person, so the clones take the advantage of their opponents’ unwillingness to come into contact with someone else’s genitals.)

LARRY: Quick!

(Nathan turns to Miguel to urge him along, but doesn’t see him anymore. Miguel rushed out into the fight when the guns disappeared. Nathan shrugs and starts to follow Larry, dodging in and out of the groups of fighting people. They climb over the rubble of the collapsed wall and join Chris at the T.A.C.)

LARRY: The professor wants me to use the cannon to project my reality-altering thoughts at high-level government officials... like the President! Then he was going to use “speed freaks” like Chris to be couriers to ensure his new regime would dominate the country!

NATHAN: He said the cannon wouldn’t work without all that glass or whatever but Chris just used it!

LARRY: It takes a lot of power to project thought over long distances. The longer the cannon is switched on the hotter it gets. If he would have used it any longer it would have blown up or something. Quincy and Stubby haven’t collected enough glass to insulate it enough for the professor’s grand scheme of governmental overthrow.

(Suddenly, Larry is grabbed by the neck by the professor.)

PROFESSOR: You little twerp! You agreed to help us!

(Larry makes strangled noises until Nathan shoots a fist into the professor’s face. The professor’s wheelchair rolls back down the steps of the T.A.C. and falls into the fist fight, unable to come at them again.)

NATHAN: Why is COLBALT here?! What do they want?

PAUL: They want the weapon as well.

(Paul is standing where the professor was and he’s holding a gun. His face is streaked with tears.)

PAUL: I struck a deal with their group. The International Association of Realtors found out about the T.A.C. last week and knew that professor wanted Chris so we intervened and brought you to our safe house.

NATHAN: That was only last week? Sheesh. It seems like nine months ago...

PAUL: When it became obvious that I needed to get in closer with the professor, we staged my little show of powers at the gas station.

NATHAN: What?! You don’t have powers?!

PAUL: No. We bought one of their agents and staged the whole thing. Things were going fine... until Garrett!

(Paul starts crying again, the fresh image of Garrett and Angelina playing tongue hockey burns in the back of his eyelids. While all this is going on a bit of rock dust falls on the console and Larry looks up to see Chris hanging from the support structure at the top of the cave. He is inching along towards to the dampening generator, which is mounted in the middle of the cavern.)

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[INT – EPICENTER OF AN EPIC BATTLE – DAY]

LARRY: Looks like your friend is trying to get himself killed again.

(Nathan looks up to see Chris playing first grade PE class, except a few hundred feet above a very hard floor, which is really more of a second grade thing.)

NATHAN: The dampening field. He has to turn it off so he can use his powers again.

LARRY: Um, yeah. Something like that.

NATHAN: Wait, how did you use your power to stop that bullet from taking out Chris?

LARRY: The two of you still haven’t figured that out yet, have you?

NATHAN: Figured out what?

LARRY: That dampening field doesn’t actually lower the ability to use your power. It interacts with your mind so that your doubts in what you can do keep you from performing to your highest ability.

NATHAN: Ok. Can you speak English for a minute, Larry?

LARRY: Have you ever read “Jonathan Livingston Seagull?”

NATHAN: No.

LARRY: Have you ever read any self-help?

NATHAN: No, have you heard of Cliffs Notes?

LARRY: Yeah.

NATHAN: I get the Chris Notes version of all the self-help stuff.

LARRY: So you understand the concept of limiting yourself.

NATHAN: Chris, be careful! Um, you could say I’ve had it explained to me a few times.

LARRY: What would you say if I told you that your ability to read minds is still there, but your brain has been trained to not believe it?

NATHAN: Your lips haven’t been moving this entire time.

LARRY: Exactly.

NATHAN: You have telepathy! Amazing!

(Larry sighs.)

NATHAN: Wow! Miguel is really getting into his new skill at fighting.

(Miguel falls back against the mounts of the T.A.C. and hits his head. He looks up at Nathan.)

MIGUEL: Suddenly, that song “Hurts So Good” makes so much sense to me. Chris is right. Rick Springfield is awesome!

(Miguel rushes back into the fight as Nathan yells after him.)

NATHA: That was John Coug… oh, nevermind.

(Nathan looks back at the Chris hanging from the support beam trying to turn off the dampening field a few hundred feet from the floor. Oh the excitement. If the narrator didn’t have to remain impartial, I might just wet myself. Of course, if this episode doesn’t end soon…)

PAUL: Why aren’t you paying attention to me!?

(Nathan looks at Paul.)

NATHAN: Oh, sorry man. You do have the gun…

(Nathan notices that Paul is actually yelling across the room at Angelina, who is doing something… well, um…)

LARRY: I’m really too young for some of the crap I’ve had to view today.

(Grrrl 2 looks in Larry’s direction and blushes.)

LARRY: They didn’t know I was standing there.

(Grrrl 3 and Miguel are facing off against each other.)

MIGUEL: I can’t really figure out which side the three of you are on.

GRRRL 3: Neither can I. I’m more of a follower.

(She punches him in the face.)

MIGUEL: You really know how to treat a guy.

GRRRL 3: Your wife doesn’t commit domestic abuse against you?

MIGUEL: Nah. We have a good marriage. No violence to speak of.

(She punches him again.)

MIGUEL: At least I won’t be coming home with hickies.

(Nathan is watching Chris slowly making his way to the dampening field. Paul is watching Garrett dampening Angelina’s field, and Larry is watching a You Tube video on his iGadgetoftheWeek.)

LARRY: I’m not sure why I got this thing. I already have seventeen other iDevices that can check email and watch You Tube videos.

NATHAN: Whoa! You have one of those! Holy cow! Those are amazing! Can I touch it? Can I hold it? Can I watch a video?

LARRY: I remember now. I was in the store and I was acting as dumb as that. And then I bought it. Hmm. No wonder I haven’t fully transcended beyond this world yet.

NATHAN: I remember reading the catalog about that. It has the most powerful speakers of any handheld product out there. It has a bullhorn mode.

LARRY: Really? I’m only to page 322 of the alphabetical list of features, The Backscratcher. It is amazingly helpful.

NATHAN: I started reading the list of features for when I can finally qualify for the home equity line of credit to afford it. I’m on page 528, Dampening Field Nullifier. I have a plan.

LARRY: You mean to nullify…

(Nathan grabs the iDevice.)

NATHAN: Yes, to root Chris on with the bullhorn!

(Nathan pushes a set of buttons on the touchscreen, and within thirty seconds, he asks Larry for his security code. Then he pushes more buttons, until finally thirty seconds after that he has turned on the bullhorn.)

LARRY: Don’t you think it would be better to nullify…

NATHAN: I’m sure you have other iDevices that you can watch You Tube on, Larry. This is more important.

(Nathan holds the iDevice to his mouth, and speaks words of encouragement to Chris, the resulting volume so loud that ALLCAPS only begin to give you an idea of how loud it is.)

NATHAN: WAY TO GO, CHRIS!!!!!! TURN THAT DAMPENING DEVICE OFF AND WE’LL GET OUT OF THIS YET!!!!!!!!

(Everyone stops fighting and looks at Nathan. Paul and Larry are covering their ears from the decibel level. Even Angelina and Garrett look for a second and then start smooching again. All the surviving mice drop dead, and the cats run out of the cave as though being chased by dog.)

MIGUEL: Oh good. I was tired of tripping over pussy.

(Everyone laughs at Miguel’s joke.)

MIGUEL: See, Chris! Everyone loves dick and fart jokes! Where’s Chris?

CHRIS: I’m up here, hanging on for dear life, because someone just scared the crap out of me, causing me to slip and almost fall to my death!

NATHAN (through the bullhorn): BUT YOU’RE DOING GREAT, BUDDY!!!!!!! ONLY A COUPLE OF MORE INCHES TO GO!!!!!

(They all hear a moan of agreement from Angelina. They all look briefly at Angelina and Garrett. Get bored. Look back at Chris. The professor is particularly interested.)

CHRIS: Motherfucker, Nathan! Stop trying to help me! The vibrations from that thing are making me lose my grip!

(Miguel starts dancing and Cabbage Patching.)

MIGUEL (singing): I got those good vibrations!

(Everyone stares at Miguel like he’s on crack.)

MIGUEL: See, Chris! No one thinks that outdated cultural references are funny!

PROFESSOR: Nathan. What kind of friend are you? You root your friend on just a little, and then literally leave him hanging without more encouragement. Why, it’s no wonder he’s given up on his pursuit to turn off the dampening device.

NATHAN: You’re right. How selfish of me. RAH RAH RAH!!!!! SISK BOOM BAH!!!!! GO CHRIS!!!! TURN OFF that damn dampening… What the hell?

CHRIS: Nathan, I will come back and haunt you! I swear!

NATHAN: Hold on, Chris. I can’t hear you over the ringing in my ears.

LARRY: No need to blame the queers, Nathan.

(Nathan punches a bunch of buttons trying to get the bullhorn switched back on. He watches as some other feature turns on.)

NATHAN: Oops that’s the Dampening Field Nullifier…

(Chris is suddenly standing in front of Nathan. He grabs the iDevice, runs off, hides it somewhere, appears again in front of Nathan again, and slaps him.)

NATHAN: What did I do?

(Chris rushes off again. He doesn’t reappear. Nathan looks at the professor and the combatants.)

NATHAN: I wish I knew if this was another one of his odd plans, or if he has really abandoned us this time.

(All the combatants shrug at Nathan, and start fighting again. Miguel can be heard yelling “Yeehaw” as he punches a redneck clone that staggers in front of him.)

NATHAN: Well, I guess he’s not…

(Chris appears in front of the professor with two swords.)

NATHAN: Nevermind.

CHRIS: Here’s the way I see it, professor. We have to fight to the death. If not, you will never admit defeat, and we’ll keep getting dragged back into your conflict.

PROFESSOR: Ok, but it has to be a fair fight. You can’t use your super speed.

CHRIS: Agreed.

(Chris and the professor face off, and soon swords start clanking.)

NATHAN: Ok, while they’re doing that, Larry, we need to do something about…

PAUL: How could she do this to me, Nathan? Didn’t I treat her like a queen with the freeze dried rations, and Star Wars videos?

NATHAN: Paul, if I was gay, that would be my ideal situation, but listen, man. Why are you pointing the gun at me?

PAUL: Because I’m sure that she’ll be sleeping with you next. She seems to want to sleep with every man she comes in contact with.

CHRIS: She hasn’t fucked me yet.

PROFESSOR: You’re not a real man, Chris.

CHRIS: I’ll help you in a minute, Nathan. I need to stop a smack talker here.

NATHAN: I’m really not sure how he’s survived so many years. Paul, forget her. Move on. Find something else to focus on. Like the T.A.C. here. It really needs to be dismantled.

PAUL: You’re right.

NATHAN: Good. Finally someone is thinking…

PAUL: But I’m not dismantling it. I’m taking it for the International Association of Realtors.

NATHAN: The I.R.A?

PAUL: No, I.A.R. Pay attention.

NATHAN: Well, that’s ok Paul…

PAUL: But first I’m going to kill you before you get a chance to fuck my girl!

(Nathan groans.)

(End Episode Forty-Seven)

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