Saturday, November 5, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Forty-Four - Putting the Garrett Before the Mule

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT – NATHAN’S TRUCK - DAY]

NATHAN: Slow the fuck down!

(Chris speeds down 114, Japanese models fly out of the back of the truck.)

NATHAN: My models!

CHRIS: No time for love Dr. Jones!

NATHAN: Why didn’t you leave me and just run there yourself?

CHRIS: My leg wound, remember?

NATHAN: That didn’t stop you from zooming around the dealer room at the convention!

CHRIS: Little room that like, no problem... and I need you and Miguel’s help.

(The blindfolded Miguel grunts.)

NATHAN: Where in the love of Simon are we going?!

CHRIS: Back to Stubby’s hideout!

NATHAN: What the hell for?!

CHRIS: I know what this is all about now!

NATHAN: All what?!

CHRIS: Everything! I know why they wanted me, why they wanted Reece, everything!

NATHAN: Well it’s about damn time. Look out! Unicorn!

(Chris swerves barely missing a Unicorn in the left lane. As soon as he does this Chris sees police lights flashing behind them.)

CHRIS: Fuck!

(Chris pulls over while Nathan digs in the glove box for his insurance. Chris looks up at the office at the window.)

CHRIS: Dickhead...

NATHAN: Chris!

DICKHEAD: Well, well, well. If it isn’t my favorite customer.

NATHAN: Oh, it’s Police Officer Dickhead.

CHRIS: Not working the Water Gardens anymore?

DICKHEAD: No. I cleared that place of the likes of you so I moved on to traffic.

(Nathan tries to intervene to cut his losses.)

NATHAN: I’m sorry about the model kits. The box tops came open.

(Nathan, Chris, and Police Officer Dickhead look back down 114, littered with the plastic remains of Lacross, Gundumb, and StarCrazer models strewn about.)

NATHAN: And we only swerved dangerously to avoid that...

(Nathan is unsure if he should mention the Unicorn.)

NATHAN: ...cat that was in the road.

DICKHEAD: I don’t care about any of that. It’s this...

(Dickhead prods Chris’s long hair with his baton.)

DICKHEAD: I spotted it a mile away. Where there is long hair, you will ALWAYS find trouble.

(Police Officer Dickhead has Chris sign his speeding ticket on his trusty iMensus pad and leaves without another word.)

CHRIS: Dickhead.

NATHAN: Good job.

CHRIS: No time for this.

(Chris hits the gas again but Police Officer Dickhead is busy playing Angry Turds on his iMensus to notice.)

NATHAN: I don’t suppose you are going to tell me the details?

CHRIS: They needed me to collect all that glass to use as insulation for that device.

NATHAN: What glass, what device?

CHRIS: The glass that Quincy broke. He did it so the Professor could use it as insulation.

NATHAN: For what?

CHRIS: The guy in the booth next to you... remember? His book was about a machine that could send thoughts.

NATHAN: Yeah?

CHRIS: That’s what the Professor wants Reece for!

NATHAN: To use a machine to send out thoughts?

CHRIS: YES!

NATHAN: Quick, get over one lane. This is an exit only lane!

(Chris pulls over one lane, almost exiting onto Exposition Way.)

CHRIS: They wanted me to speed around and collect all this glass for their device!

NATHAN: Seems unlikely...

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[INT – NATHAN’S TRUCK – DAY]

(Chris is driving. Nathan is looking at him questioningly. Miguel is still blindfolded.)

CHRIS: What?

NATHAN: I asked how much longer until we get to Stubby’s hideout.

CHRIS: What?

NATHAN: Why are you acting that way?

CHRIS: Did you say something?

NATHAN: Miguel…

MIGUEL: Don’t bring me into this. I’m turning a blindfolded eye.

NATHAN: Great. I’m riding in a truck with See No Evil and Hear No Evil.

CHRIS: You know what that means, right?

NATHAN: What?

CHRIS: Shut up.

(Frustrated, Nathan looks in the side mirror, where he notices a highway patrol car running lights and sirens.)

NATHAN: Uh Chris, we’re being pulled over again.

CHRIS: What?

NATHAN: Pull over, asshole!

CHRIS: I didn’t hear “please.”

NATHAN: Pull over, asshole, please!

MIGUEL: I think I officially feel my other four senses taking over.

NATHAN: Chris…

(Chris sighs and pulls the car over. They sit and wait for the officer to approach the vehicle.)

5-0: Why you driving so fast, son?

CHRIS: Dickhead.

(Miguel sniffs the air.)

MIGUEL: That’s not Dickhead. I know what dickhead smells like.

5-0: I’m sure you do, son.

NATHAN: He means that there is another officer… oh, nevermind.

(Miguel continues to sniff the air. He seems intent.)

MIGUEL: You’re the officer that pulled us over when we had that dead body in our truck.

5-0: What’s that, son?

NATHAN: He means that there was… oh, nevermind.

(Chris looks at 5-0. He seems to be dressed in a colourful button up shirt and a hula skirt.)

CHRIS: Um, I realize this is your traffic stop, and you do technically have control, but can I ask you why you’re dressed like that?

5-0: I’ve been on vacation in Hawaii. Want to explain to me why you’re dressed like that?

CHRIS: Um… touché.

HAWAII 5-0: I’m going to let you go on a warning.

(The officer gets back in his vehicle and drives off.)

NATHAN: Was that really necessary?

CHRIS: What?

NATHAN: All of that for a little throwaway gag?

CHRIS: You act like I chose to be pulled over. Like this is some sort of satirical play meant to amuse me.

NATHAN: I wouldn’t go that far. But I have to wonder if your newfound dream state ability isn’t manifesting circumstances that are currently slowing down our progress of getting to Stubby’s hideout.

MIGUEL: But for humour’s sake, of course.

NATHAN: Please don’t try to help, Miguel.

CHRIS: Listen, I’m do my best to control my dream state ability.

MIGUEL: What if this entire thing was all a dream from the moment that Nathan and I woke up from being over that alligator pit?

(Nathan and Miguel wake up. They are standing over the alligator pit.)

MIGUEL AND NATHAN: Nooooooo!

THE END

(Nathan slaps Miguel so hard that his blindfold comes off.)

MIGUEL: Hey! What was that for?

CHRIS: He’s right…

(Nathan looks around Miguel, and Chris is standing over the alligator pit with them.)

CHRIS: … you would want to slap me to draw us out of…

(SLAP!!!!)

CHRIS: Ow!

(They’re back in the truck.)

CHRIS: It didn’t have to be so hard.

(Miguel is holding his swollen face.)

MIGUEL: I think you got the better deal.

(Chris pulls the truck up in front of a house.)

NATHAN: This is Stubby’s hideout?

CHRIS: Nope.

NATHAN (whining): Chris! You’re wasting our time!

MIGUEL (holding his face): Maybe they have ice here.

NATHAN: I’m not even sure why you’re all of a sudden so all fired intent on dealing with the villains.

(A unicorn walks by.)

UNICORN: Top o’ the morning, gents.

CHRIS: Like I told you in our phone conversation…

NATHAN: What phone conversation?

CHRIS: … my theory is that when we either know what the next step is, or when the villains are paying attention to us, we care about stopping their evil deeds. Otherwise, if we think it doesn’t affect us, we would prefer to go see Danny Daewoo shows and mow our lawns.

MIGUEL: And jerk off to Carrie Fisher and Natalie Portman. They need to get those two together.

NATHAN: What phone conversation?

CHRIS: Focus, Nathan.

NATHAN: I’m trying. But this shit is just too weird.

CHRIS: Grab the thing that SWAT teams use to bust down doors from the back of the truck.

NATHAN: But I don’t own… right, focus.

(Nathan lifts the mini battering ram from the truck. He, Chris, and Miguel hold it and rush the door. It busts in on impact. Sitting in the living room is Garrett.)

GARRETT: What the hell is going on? Everything has been all wonky for the last thirty minutes.

CHRIS: Well, we’re at the convention. I realized, after a pleasant talk with Rick Springfield, that I’ve been experiencing the dream state thing. At first, I thought that Reece was close by, but after we discovered the book about the T.A.C. machine, and I realized what the professor has been up to, I also realized that I might have some amount of control over the dream state.

NATHAN: This must have happened off screen, because I don’t…

(Nathan loses his balance and falls into a wall that he breaks.)

GARRETT: Damn it, Nathan. That’s the forth wall in the house. Those are always more expensive to replace.

NATHAN: The what?

GARRETT: The forth wall. Over there is the rear wall. And those are the side… Why am I talking this way?

NATHAN: Chris, are we almost done, because I’m having trouble focusing on this?

(Nathan looks at Miguel who is foaming at the mouth.)

NATHAN: And Miguel is out now. I think the integrity of this whole thing is falling apart.

CHRIS: He means the dream state, not the story.

GARRETT: Yeah, sure.

(Chris grabs Garrett’s arm, and next thing they know, they’re back at the convention. They are surrounded by all forms of sci-fi geeks rapt with awe.)

GARRETT: What the…?

(Chris punches out Garrett, and the convention goers start to applaud after breaking their stunned silence.)

CHRIS: Yep. I know. We’re pretty amazing. AccordingToWhim.com

NATHAN: Only you could turn apprehending a villain using your dream state power into a cheap marketing ploy.

CHRIS: Miguel, if you’re back in the land of reality enough, help me carry Garrett’s body. Nathan needs to do an emergency update to our website that reflects our super power angle.

NATHAN: You really think that we’ll be a web sensation over this?

CHRIS: Hmmm. Interview some of those women dressed in the Leia slave outfits, just in case.

[INT – NATHAN’S TRUCK – DAY – FOR REALS THIS TIME]

NATHAN: I have to admit that once I was able to get my head around what was the dream state and what was real, that was a pretty awesome plan you had there.

CHRIS: Well, thank you.

NATHAN: The only thing that confuses me was the phone conversation bit.

CHRIS: You don’t remember the phone conversation? That really happened.

NATHAN: When you say really happened…

CHRIS: We were hurrying to the truck to go to Stubby’s hideout, when suddenly I disappeared. I found myself in an odd situation where I was dating Christina Ricci and we were all living on a lake, which was exactly what I was dreaming before writing this.

NATHAN: When you say writing this…

CHRIS: This note that I’m holding out to you. I wrote it after I woke up from that dream I was just describing.

(Nathan looks at the note.)

NATHAN: It’s all nonsensical.

CHRIS: I know. My handwriting is terrible. But you’ll be happy to know that even if you could read my handwriting, it would still make no sense. That’s the problem with dream journals.

NATHAN: What is your point, Chris!?

CHRIS: Sheesh. Testy. My point is that I realized that it couldn’t be that Reece was close by, because I was experiencing things from my subconscious. Since I wasn’t sure exactly where I was, I called you on your cell phone and explained that I thought maybe I had Reece’s power, while Christina Ricci was licking my ear. I told you that I wanted to try to control the dream state to capture Garrett.

NATHAN: At which point I said to you, “I’m not even sure why you’re all of a sudden so all fired intent on dealing with the villains.”

CHRIS: And I explained to you what I explained to you again in the dream state.

NATHAN: I remember this happening all of a sudden now. Convenient.

CHRIS: Well, this is the exit to Stubby’s Hideout, brought to you by Post Honeycomb. Post makers of quality cereals for the whole family.

(Nathan looks at Chris weird.)

CHRIS: I picked up a couple of sponsors after the dream state thing at the convention. Miguel, would you like another tasty Monster Energy drink.

(Chris and Nathan look at Miguel, who is crawling like Spiderman on the roof of the truck.)

NATHAN: He’s probably had enough for now.

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

PROFESSOR: Ok, Larry. Since at this point, Chris is probably the only person who can stop our fiendish plan. We need you to bring him here using your dream state power, so we can subdue him while we carry out our plan.

(Chris walks through the door.)

CHRIS: Hello villains!

PROFESSOR: Good job, Larry!

LARRY: I didn’t do that.

PROFESSOR: Get him!

CHRIS: Not so fast, professor.

(Nathan and Miguel walk in with Garrett held hostage.)

CHRIS: Any sudden moves and we’ll harm Garrett.

(The professor looks at Paul.)

PROFESSOR: Do we even care if they harm Garrett?

(Paul shrugs.)

GARRETT: Even if you don’t care. They won’t harm me too bad. I stole Chris’s Duran Duran collection from his house. If he harms me he doesn’t get it back.

(Angelina groans. They all look at her.)

PAUL: What’s the matter, sweetie pie?

CHRIS: She knows that my Duran Duran collection isn’t kept at my house.

EVERYBODY: What!?

ANGELINA: When we were at the safe house, he asked me if I knew where the key to the storage shed that housed his Duran Duran collection was.

GARRETT: You mean…?

CHRIS: Yep. The collection at my house was just a decoy collection. I still want it back, but it’s not a priority.

GARRETT: But it was so big!

MIGUEL: That’s what she said.

(Everyone looks at Miguel.)

ANGELINA: I’m pretty sure no she has ever said that to you.

(Miguel grumbles.)

CHRIS: So what we have here is a question, and that question is whether or not Garrett means enough to you to stand down.

(The villains all look at each other with shrugs and downcast glances. The professor points at Chris, Miguel, Nathan, and Garrett.)

PROFESSOR: Get them!

(End Episode Forty-Four)

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