Saturday, October 1, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Thirty-Nine – When Episode Titles Suck

(by the AccordingToWhim crew)

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - RE/MAX CENTRAL - DAY]

(Dentre, Shag, Nathan, and Miguel sit in the high-tech surroundings of the RE/MAX regional headquarters. Computer screens and keyboards line every wall, and a large digital map of North Texas hangs in the center of the room.)

NATHAN: Who thought real estate could be so high-tech?

MIGUEL: Why is all that area red on the map?

(Miguel points to the Arlington area.)

DENTRE: That color code tells us the property value. Red means it is very low... the commissions aren’t worth the effort of selling in those areas. This is a real time map. It was green just a few days ago. This is the result of Quincy the Glassbreaker’s attack on the city.

(Shag walks up to Nathan and Miguel and hands them new phones.)

SHAG: We have had your phones replaced.

(Nathan turns his on and it rings at once. He answers it.)

NATHAN: Hello?

HAGMAN’S HOUSE OF HORRORS OWNER: Ahh. Nathan. I’ve been trying to reach you. This is Owen R. I’m the owner of Hangman’s House of Horrors.

NATHAN: Oh. Hi.

(Nathan looks a little confused.)

OWEN R.: Apparently, when you were here being tortured, your struggles against your bonds caused you to move some props around. I got an earful from the art directors about it.

NATHAN: Oh. Sorry?

OWEN R.: I just thought I’d let you know. Those volunteers had to work an additional ten minutes re-arranging and setting things right.

(Owen R. hangs up).

NATHAN: Well...

(Miguel turns his phone on and sees the 2,011 missed calls (and messages) from his wife. He quietly turns the phone back off.)

MIGUEL: Thanks. I guess.

SHAG: No problemo man.

DENTRE: Ok, I have fed the names of all the people we know into our NEMESIS program.

MIGUEL: Neeemmeeeeesssssissssssss.

DENTRE: Ok...

NATHAN: That sounds scary. What does it stand for?

DENTRE: The worst of all Star Trek movies ever. Even worse than the first one. That’s all. We just liked the name.

DENTRE: Everyone we entered comes back normal.

MIGUEL: I’ll bet.

DENTRE: Normal as in what we expected them to be.

NATHAN: Well that’s not much help.

DENTRE: And according to this, Angelina is not Larry’s mother.

NATHAN: I don’t understand that kid. When we were in our dream state this last time he showed up and cut a bit of Chris’s hair out.

(Shag turns quickly).

SHAG: What?!

DENTRE: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

SHAG: Yeah, man. How can you damage that totally hippie-head of hair like that? Uncool...

DENTRE: No. It sounds more like Larry was taking a sample for genetic testing.

[INT - VAN - DAY]

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

(You will note that we are in a van and it is daytime. We know this because the scene setting was established at the end of the last part.)

LARRY: Can I ask you something, Angelina?

ANGELINA: Sure, Larry. What would you like to know?

LARRY: Why is the audience here? We don’t have a part in this episode.

ANGELINA: Oh. I guess the audience is here. Had I known, I would have cleaned up a little bit. This van set is a mess. Larry, can you clean up your Legos while I find out what’s going on?

(What do you mean what’s… “[INT - VAN - DAY]” That’s what it said, and here we are.)

ANGELINA: Well, it’s not very specific about which van is it?

(Well, it never really… oh… Oh! Oh, I am so embarrassed. I brought the audience to the wrong van didn’t I?)

ANGELINA: I think so. I mean, we weren’t given any last minutes scripts or anything. I’m not sure when we’ll have another part actually.

(Ok. I’m sorry to bother you on your week off. Let’s see. We’ll just have to move from here to the van that Chris kidnapped Stubby in. Ah, there it is, driving down the middle of the road ignoring the existence of lanes. Let’s just see what’s going on inside this van.)

STUBBY: Why is “Bad to the Bone” the only track on this CD!? And can you please turn it the fuck off!?

CHRIS: How about you fuck off?

STUBBY: Listen, I’m sorry I took your Duran Duran collection. I had plans that would make me a contender in the world of villains, but you guys have managed to screw that up.

CHRIS: On the contrary, it seems to me like Larry’s little dream state issues, coupled with some very powerful government agencies, were what screwed it up for you. Nathan, Miguel, and I have actually proved to be pretty inept throughout most of this fiasco.

STUBBY: Which makes it that much more of a bitch that you defeated me.

CHRIS: Again, I don’t really see it like that.

STUBBY: Please. Please. Can you turn that CD off?

CHRIS: How about you show me some really cool Houdini action, and turn it off yourself?

STUBBY: You are such an asshole. I admit that you play Blackjack pretty close to how you’re supposed to. But you’re an asshole.

[INT - RE/MAX CENTRAL - DAY]

(Nathan’s phone rings. He looks confused. He answers.)

NATHAN: Hello?

STUBBY (over phone): Who is this?

NATHAN: Um. Who is this?

STUBBY: I asked you, motherfucker.

NATHAN: You called my phone, asshole.

STUBBY: Chris called your phone and put it to my ear.

NATHAN: Is this Stubby?

STUBBY: If that’s what you insist on calling me.

NATHAN: Some dude named Owen R. called and got all huffy with me about some props being out of…

STUBBY: Owen R. called you? Oh dear lord! Did you grovel? Please tell me you groveled.

NATHAN: I didn’t know what to do. He…

STUBBY: Oh! Oh! You should have groveled! You don’t even know what I started. What you started! I didn’t start it! Oh shit. Hang up the phone Chris, in case Owen R. is tracing this call.

(The phone goes dead.)

MIGUEL: What was that all about?

NATHAN: I’m really not too sure.

MIGUEL: I thought we had off for this part of the episode.

NATHAN: Me too.

[INT – SOME HIDEOUT – DAY]

(Paul and the professor are playing a card game. It looks strangely like “Go Fish.”)

PROFESSOR: Um.

PAUL: What?

PROFESSOR: Why is the audience here?

(Paul looks.)

PROFFESSOR: We’re off this episode.

(Sorry.)

[INT – VAN – DAY]

(Chris is reaching over and flicking Stubby’s nose every ten seconds.)

STUBBY: Would you just drive?

CHRIS: Maybe if your hideout wasn’t so far away.

STUBBY: The exit is in two miles if you would just stop.

(Chris flicks his nose.)

CHRIS: The exit is in two miles even if I don’t stop.

(After two miles, they exit, and Stubby directs Chris through a maze of back roads. They come to a cave, and Stubby gives Chris a code to open the doors.)

CHRIS: What’s with all this Batman crap?

STUBBY: Listen, I figured I might as well have a cool hideout.

(They pull in, drive for a minute or two, and then park. Chris gets out, leaving Stubby tied up. He looks around for his Duran Duran collection. There seems to be hardly anything at all here.)

CHRIS: Some cool hideout. You have a cave with hardly anything in…

(Chris notices a note. He recognizes Garrett’s handwriting. He picks up the note. It says, “Sir, I hate to part ways with you like this, but honestly, you’re pretty insufferable as a boss, and I have other interests now. I’ve taken all of your high end equipment. I figure it was mostly stolen and embezzled anyway, so you won’t miss it. I also took Chris’s Duran Duran collection. I realize that he tipped me $7 and a ragged tiger plush toy to never betray him by stealing his Duran Duran collection, but if I’m going to stop being an evil sidekick and become a true villain, I have to stop being true to my word. Garrett.)

CHRIS: Stubby, we both seem to have a little prob…

(Chris is hit from behind in the head and falls unconscious. It’s Quincy the Glass breaker. Quincy walks over to the van and unties Stubby. He then uses the rope to tie up Chris as he and Stubby talk.)

STUBBY: What are you doing here? I thought you didn’t work foe me anymore.

QUINCY: I think you misunderstood. You appeared out of nowhere with Chris, Nathan, Miguel, and all those others, and that whole dream state thing was making everything so wonky, we had to be sure you were you. Then when everything went nuts again, we got the hell out of there. I came here, but I haven’t been able to reach you.

STUBBY: I was out cold for a while, and Chris had me hogtied after that.

QUINCY: I see that Garrett has pretty well screwed us over. But at least we have Chris captured now.

STUBBY: Now if we knew how to get our hands on Garrett. He either knows that we survived the purge from the plane, or he did this before that incident. We’ll get him. And while we’re at it, we’ll make all of our enemies (who I’m being intentionally vague about who they may or may not be) sorry that they opposed us.

QUINCY: Including Owen R.?

STUBBY: No! No! The first thing we need to do is make things right with him!

[EXT – BEACH – DAY]

(We see a man and a woman making out. She is straddling him on his beach chair. He notices the audience.)

MAN: Um. What are you? Why are you?

WOMAN: Who are they?

MAN: They’re the wrong audience. That’s who. Go away. We’re not part of your serial. We’re part of a soap opera.

(Sorry.)

WOMAN: And please don’t tell my husband.

(The man considers for a brief moment.)

MAN: Yeah, don’t tell my boyfriend either.

(End Episode Thirty-Nine)

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