Saturday, October 22, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Forty-Two – Life, the Metroplex, and Everything

by the According To Whim .com crew

(This episode by Chris McGinty)

[EXT – MINK AND SHAKE RESTAURANT – NIGHT]

(Chris, Miguel, Nathan, Grrrl 1, Grrrl 2, and Grrrl 3 are exiting the restaurant. Grrrl 3 is hanging on Miguel’s recently pill induced focused elbow.)

NATHAN: I gave you an A.D.D. pill, not an aphrodisiac.

MIGUEL: What can I say? I’m charming when I’m not being a douche.

CHRIS: You know. We’re not exactly all that worried about the espionage and intrigue. That seems to be the villains’ deal. Would you three like to join us for a night out on the town?

(Nathan groans.)

GRRRL 3: I would!

(Miguel gloats. Grrrl 2 elbows Grrrl 3 in the arm.)

GRRRL 3: What? He’s charming when he’s not being a douche.

NATHAN: As much as I love female attention, Chris’s idea of a night out on the town just doesn’t appeal to me.

GRRRL 1: Well, that’s ok anyway. Friday night is one of our busiest nights for roadside assistance. We need to get back at it.

CHRIS: Fair enough. You gots to make that scrilla.

(Nathan and Grrrl 1 perform an act of synchronized eye rolling that nobody notices… well, Miguel notices. On that pill, Miguel notices everything.)

CHRIS: Nonetheless, I would like to thank you ladies for your companionship at dinner, and the exposition you so freely gave.

(Grrrl 2 elbows Grrrl 3 again.)

GRRRL 2: I told you to keep them in your work shirt!

GRRRL 1: He means the story information we gave through our dialogue.

GRRRL 2: Oh. My bad.

(Grrrl 1, Grrrl 2, and Grrrl 3 say their goodbyes. Grrrl 3 gives Miguel a big sloppy wet kiss.)

MIGUEL: I sense something, a presence I’ve not felt since…

(Nathan checks the pill bottle. Chris looks at him questioningly.)

NATHAN: Just making sure I didn’t slip him a Viagra. Why is it that the fact that it’s Friday night makes me want to remember something that I can’t quite remember?

(It’s at this point that Chris sees Muffy the unicorn gallop up to the group.)

MUFFY: You must go to the Dagobah system.

CHRIS: Listen, that wasn’t funny when Board Member Reginald said it. And I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not real.

NATHAN: Who are you talking to?

MIGUEL: I see her. I see dead…

NATHAN: Miguel, we’ll be sued!

MIGUEL: …plotlines.

MUFFY: Tomorrow is October 8 & 9.

CHRIS: What year?

MUFFY: Nineteen Eighty-F…

NATHAN: Unseen character, we’ll be sued!

MUFFY: …five. I must go now.

CHRIS: Yeah, you go girl.

(Muffy and Nathan perform the synchronized eye rolling thing, and Chris stops hallucinating.)

NATHAN: What was that about?

CHRIS: Something about the October 8 & 9.

NATHAN: Why does that make me want to remember something that I can’t quite remember?

[INT – NATHAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT]

(Nathan wakes up in the middle of the night and yells out.)

NATHAN: October 8 & 9 is the Sci-fi Convention. We’re supposed to be selling what I salvaged from the shop when it was devastated by military forces!

MIGUEL: It would have taken less breath to just yell, “I forgot the convention!”

(Miguel is in the bed next to Nathan. Nathan looks down at Miguel’s arm which is draped across his belly.)

NATHAN: Miguel, you know that I hate it when you sleep with your arm. I’d hate for Chris to come in here and get the wrong idea.)

CHRIS: Just ignore his proclivity to cuddle when he sleeps. I’m more worried about the fact that he keeps taking the covers.

(Chris is in the bed next to Miguel. He tugs the blankets back over him.)

CHRIS: Now both of you shut up. It’s hard enough for me to sleep at night.

[INT – FLEA MARKET – DAY]

MIGUEL: Why are we here at the flea market?

NATHAN: I’ve been trying to sell the shop stuff out here, but nobody wants to buy anything high end at the flea market. All they want to buy is two-dollar candles and five-dollar handbags.

MIGUEL: Can I have one of those focus pills?

NATHAN: Why?

MIGUEL: I feel like I’m missing something.

CHRIS: Like when has Nathan had time to come out here and sell?

MIGUEL: That sounds about right.

NATHAN: Well, I haven’t exactly made it out here since I moved the stuff here.

CHRIS: Do you think maybe that’s why people aren’t buying?

NATHAN: Nah. They wouldn’t buy even if I was here.

(They walk to Nathan’s table and start loading the stuff.)

MIGUEL: I really need one of those pills.

NATHAN: I feel like I’m missing something.

CHRIS: Like the fact that everyone is selling window glass and other household glass because of all the damage Quincy has done in recent times?

MIGUEL: That sounds about right.

NATHAN: Let’s get out of here. I can’t wait to be among real sellers, not these opportunists.

[INT – SCI-FI CONVENTION – DAY]

(Nathan leads Chris and Miguel past table after table of glass sellers. He seems to be mumbling something not so nice under his breath.)

MIGUEL: At least these glass sellers each have a woman dressed in Princess Leia’s slave outfit.

CHRIS: Does it seem odd to anyone that a princess was constantly being captured and there wasn’t any sort of political retribution?

MIGUEL: In what way?

CHRIS: Well, think about what would happen if the US kidnapped Prince William’s wife. We’d probably have countries rise up against us to get her back.

MIGUEL: Not if England was seen as some sort of rebellion against a world peace. Then it would be more similar to the time Saddam Hussein was captured. It didn’t matter that he was the leader of a country. He wasn’t popular with the world order.

CHRIS: British actors played the Imperial forces anyway. So Princess Caspian, or whatever her name is, wouldn’t be captured as a rebel anyway.

MIGUEL: The amount of false logic that…

CHRIS: Sorry to interrupt, Miguel, but why is Kevin Smith following us and taking notes? It’s creeping me out. He should be at his table like all the other guests.

(They arrive at Nathan’s table. Nathan looks at it and seems a little displeased.)

NATHAN: There’s so little room. And so little time. I’m not sure how I’m going to arrange everything and be ready in time for the public.

(Chris suddenly disappears, and before Nathan’s eyes the table becomes perfectly set up.)

CHRIS: I think it would look something like that.

NATHAN: I forgot you had your power back. Thank you.

(Chris suddenly disappears, and before Nathan’s eyes the table reverts back to emptiness.)

CHRIS: I hope you can remember how that looked. Anyway, I’m going to try to find George Takei.

(Chris walks off. Nathan holds his fist high and stares at the ceiling.)

NATHAN: Curse you, McGinty!

(The guy at the table next to Nathan’s walks up to him.)

SELLER: Hey, buddy. I was supposed to have four helpers today, but only one showed up. Think you could help me unpack my product?

MIGUEL: Ooh. Is that David Prowse? I’m going to follow him around and explain why James Earl Jones is Darth Vader.

NATHAN: You do that. But drop the name Hayden Christensen.

MIGUEL: Ooh. Great idea!

(Nathan turns back to the seller.)

NATHAN: I’m pretty sure I have it worse off than you.

(Later, Chris is standing behind the table with Nathan. Nathan is ignoring him.)

CHRIS: Listen, I came back and set it up again.

NATHAN: Yes. I know you did.

CHRIS: So why are you mad?

NATHAN: Because it was only after you dismantled it twice and I managed to pounce on you and threaten to cut your hair.

CHRIS: Think of it like you earned it.

(Nathan goes back to ignoring Chris. They notice one of the roving soda vendors, a man who seems rather confused as he’s yelling, “Ice cold soda only three dollars.”)

SODA GUY: Ice cold soda only three dollars. And only fifty cents for anyone who thinks that Hayden Christenson looked better in the Darth Vader suit!

(They notice that Miguel is following very close behind the vendor. They also notice that David Prowse is following the vendor, heckling him for being un-American and various other taunts that he probably found on a newsgroup somewhere.)

CHRIS: Well, since I’m managing to tell more people about Danny Daewoo than I’m managing to sell Japanese model kits to, I think I’ll go walk around.

(Nathan grunts.)

CHRIS: Be back soon. You better be in a better mood before I get back.

NATHAN: Or what? You’ll dismantle my table again?

CHRIS: Oh sure! You know me so well. I’ll be thinking of something else while I’m gone just to prove you were wrong when you weren’t.

(Chris walks past the home glass section, making a mental note to taunt Quincy later, if they have the misfortune of seeing him again, about missing such a glass breaking opportunity. He walks into the celebrity section. There are multiple people dressed in makeup like from “The Crow.” They’re all roaming like bad video game townsfolk asking where James O’ Barr is. It’s at this point that Chris notices someone out of the corner of his eye. He turns to see Rick Springfield sitting at one of the celebrity tables. He walks over to him.)

CHRIS: I didn’t see you on the convention program.

RICK SPRINGFIELD: I wouldn’t imagine that you did.

CHRIS: You’re so much more vague than I imagined you. What are you doing here?

RICK SPRINGFIELD: I’m promoting my new sugary breakfast cereal. I’m also signing the boxes.

CHRIS: I’ll take three.

(Chris walks back to Nathan’s table with three signed boxes of Rick Springfield cereal.)

CHRIS: I got you something.

(Nathan looks and can’t help but laugh.)

NATHAN: Has he really been reduced to this?

CHRIS: That’s the thing. I don’t think he has. I’ve been seeing things lately, like I’m experiencing the dream state. First, it was Board Member Reginald, then Muffy, and now Rick Springfield. The difference being that this time I was able to actually get physical items from the hallucination. I got one for Miguel as well, even though he doesn’t know the joys of Rick Springfield.

NATHAN: Yeah. Miguel is a loser like that, listening to crappy bands like Hel…

(Nathan notices that Chris is wearing his Helmet t-shirt.)

NATHAN: Help! The Beatles Tribute.

CHRIS: I really doubt Miguel…

NATHAN: I was thinking of Miguel from work, sorry.

CHRIS: Um, ok. The point is that I think that Reece is close by.

NATHAN: His name is Larry.

CHRIS: Uh huh. Keep dreaming. I just can’t think of any other explanation as to why I would be experiencing the dream state constantly unless Reece was causing it.

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

(Angelina, Paul, the professor, Quincy, and Stubby are gathered around a table looking at the results of the professor’s tests.)

PROFESSOR: The first bit is that I’m not sure if we got a good enough sample of Chris’s DNA. We’ll have to test it directly.

ANGELINA: I’m willing to torture him again if not. The bastard.

(Larry walks in.)

LARRY: Hey, people what’s up? I was just hanging out with Agent 1, Agent 2, and Agent 3 in the other room.

PAUL: Angelina was just saying how she would happily torture Chris, but it was the cute way she said it.

LARRY: At what point was he reduced to an uninteresting character whose only focus is his girlfriend?

PROFESSOR: It happens to all of us at some point after puberty, Larry. But I’m glad you’re here. Larry, do you remember when we took a DNA sample from you?

LARRY: Yes, you made it part of your science class at the college. You had one of your students use a saw to cut into my leg to get bone marrow from me. You had Agent 2 standing by healing me as it happened so that I wouldn’t feel it, but in spite of his best efforts, it still hurt pretty bad.

PROFESSOR: Sorry about that, pal.

LARRY: No problem, professor. I still feel bad about punching Agent 2 in the face and yelling that he should try having this baby. I think I must have soaked that in from a sitcom somewhere.

PROFESSOR: You retain all sorts of useless knowledge, Larry…

LARRY: Thank you, sir.

PROFESSOR: …do you remember if the student put the saw into formaldehyde after cutting your leg?

LARRY: He did not. I was thinking that maybe you were getting the DNA sample from the saw.

PROFESSOR: No, but unfortunately, I think that when we were cutting into Chris’s leg, and we retriggered his leftover DNA containing his super speed power that he may have actually got some of your DNA with your dream state power.

[INT – SCI-FI CONVENTION – DAY]

CHRIS: Nathan, have you ever really looked at your hands?

NATHAN: You sound like you’re on acid. I guess I’ve examined my hands enough in my life.

CHRIS: Good. Are those your hands growing out of the table trying to strangle me?

(Nathan looks at the table to see Chris’s hallucination growing from the table.)

NATHAN: Nah. They don’t look that much like mine. Mine are more like this…

(Nathan slaps Chris on the back of the head. The hallucination disappears.)

NATHAN: Now get back to work.

(End Episode Forty-Two)

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