Saturday, October 29, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Forty-Three – White White White White Number Onnnnneeeee

by the According To Whim .com crew

(This episode by Nathan Stout)

[STUBBY’S HIDEOUT - DAY]

(The professor, Paul, Angelina, Stubby, and Quincy are in the lab while the professor peers through a microscope.)

PROFESSOR: Curses!

(Paul spits out a mouthful of water he was just about to drink.)

PAUL: Sorry. I just thought it was funny.

(Angelina does an eye roll.)

STUBBY: What is it, professor?

PROFESSOR: The bone marrow sample is contaminated. There appears to be a large amount of seminal fluid mixed into the sample.

(The Professor rolls his head around from the microscope viewer. He and the others look over at Stubby at the same time.)

STUBBY: What?!

(The silence continues. Stubby looks guilty.)

STUBBY: It’s lonely down here...

(The eye rolls are almost audible. Angelina lifts her weight off the grimy ground, never touching more than her toes to the floor for the rest of the time she is in the cave.)

PROFESSOR: This sub-par sample won’t be enough to finish our work. It looks as if we will need to continue with plan B.

QUICNY: Oh man!

PROFESSOR: Quincy, take him and collect your goons and get back to gathering all that broken glass.

QUINCY: I like breaking it, not collecting it!

PROFESSOR: Irrelevant. Where is Larry?

PAUL: He is learning the controls of the T.A.C. in the main cavern.

PROFESSOR: Don’t let him leave with the nimrods.

(Quincy and Stubby look around quizzically, not recalling anyone called Nimrod.)

ANGELINA: So what about operation “Speedy?” Should be try to capture him again?

PROFESSOR: No. We don’t have time. COBALT is probably on our trail and we can’t waste time with those bozos. Speaking of bozos, why aren’t you two gone yet?

QUINCY: How much more glass do we need to collect?

PROFESSOR: About two more metric tons. The T.A.C. won’t work without at least that much more insulation.

STUBBY: Uhhhhhhgg. That’s gonna take forever!

PROFESSOR: Tough! Plans have changed and if you don’t get cracking my plans will fail, and no more mountains of money for you two.

(Stubby and Quincy shuffle off down the cave until they realize they are kicking up “spunk dust” and stop.)

[INT – SCI-FI CONVENTION – DAY]

(Chris appears in front of Nathan’s booth sporting a black shirt with a Flash logo on it.)

CHRIS: Flash! Ahhhh!

NATHAN: At least you are having fun. I haven’t sold crap. All anyone seems to be interested in is “Magic: The Gathering” singles and panes of replacement glass.

(A man stops at the table and asks a question, and then moves on before Nathan can really finish talking.)

MAN: Do you have National Geographics?

NATHAN: Wha?

CHRIS: Look!

(Chris points to a dude dressed as a Tron character.)

NATHAN: That costume is not appealing to the eye. Perhaps if the dude lost about 200 pounds.

CHRIS: This is your chance to sell the Light Cycle!

(Nathan picks it up off the table, a slow gleam showing his eye.)

NATHAN: Yeah!

(Chris vanishes in a blur and shows back up pushing Mr. Skin-tight 200 pound overweight Tron guy.)

CHRIS: Look at this!

(Tron guy looks at the box.)

TRON GUY: Oh my God! Jesus baby Christ! A Japanese Medicom Import Light Cycle!

(Chris looks pleased with himself.)

TRON GUY: How much!?

NATHAN: Well the package is singed a bit so I am going to cut you a deal and sell it for twenty dollars.

TRON GUY: Wow, this is so rare!

(Tron Guy absently puts the package down and looks at the other stuff on the table, all the while saying things like, “Oh man, rare Tron toy, wow, Medicom Light Cycle,” etc. at a low level. He just kind of moves along the table, looking, talking, and then moves off past to the next table and out of Nathan’s life forever.)

NATHAN: Fucking really?

CHRIS: Well, we tried.
(Chris vanishes again. Nathan sits down dejectedly. Someone sitting in the booth next to him speaks up.)

PAUL WHITE: No luck huh?

NATHAN: No. I can’t sell that thing to save my life, literally.

PAUL WHITE: I know what you mean. I can’t sell these books to save my life.

(The man motions to his booth and the pile of books displayed on it.)

NATHAN: You wrote these?

PAUL WHITE: Yes. I’m Paul, nice to meet you.

NATHAN: I’m Nathan.

PAUL WHITE: You see, my late brother designed this amazing device back in the 70s and I wrote this book about it.

(Paul hands a copy to Nathan who flicks through it.)

NATHAN: Did you help design it?

PAUL WHITE: No.

NATHAN: Did you help build it?

PAUL WHITE: No.

NATHAN: Did you fund its creation or something?

PAUL WHITE: No. I wrote this book about what he did.

(Nathan just nods and hands the book back.)

NATHAN: I see.

PAUL WHITE: It was an amazing device to send out human thoughts over vast distances.

(Chris suddenly appears in front of the booth.)

CHRIS: Did you say it sends out thoughts?!

NATHAN: How did you know what he was saying?

CHRIS: I can also process conversations fast and I have been running in a huge circuit around the dealer room listening to everyone’s conversation. By the way, David Prowse is about to punch Miguel.

(From the other side of the dealer room a faint “ow!” can be heard.)

PAUL WHITE: Yes, it sends out thoughts. He could never build it though. It was too expensive. The massive amount of heat it put out requires large amounts of silica insulation... glass, you know.

(A large clicking noise can be heard coming from Chris’s head as he stares at nothing.)

NATHAN: What was that?

PAUL WHITE: Sounded like clues clicking into place.

(Chris vanishes and in an instant Nathan’s booth is packed away and Nathan is sitting at an empty table.)

CHRIS: We have to go.

NATHAN: Why did you do that? I’ve only made a dollar so far.

CHRIS: A dollar? You sold a four dollar model earlier.

(Nathan looks guilty as guy selling the three dollar sodas can be heard hawking his wares.)

CHRIS: You didn’t.

(Nathan shrugs.)

CHRIS: Nevermind. We have things to do. Get in the truck. I’m getting Miguel.

(Chris vanishes. Then reappears.)

CHRIS: Buy one of his books.

(Chris vanishes again. Nathan grudgingly buys the book and walks out negative twenty-two dollars. All three get into the truck and head off.)

PAUL WHITE: Well, hi there! How are you? Things have picked up for me today, I sold a book!

ERIC STEEL: I’m just dandy, Paul. Just dandy...

(End of Episode Forty-Three)

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