Saturday, October 15, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Forty-One – Yesterday and To-Marrow

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - STUBBY'S HIDEOUT - DAY]

(Chris is tied up with Quincy watching over him. As promised, Chris is trying to get free. As he wriggles, he hits his phone and it dials Nathan’s phone. Chris knows this because of Nathan’s De-cresche Dialer Mode ringback tone playing through the earpiece.)

NATHAN (on phone): Hello?

(Chris, not wanting to tip off Quincy, goes into one of those over exaggerated dialogues with Quincy, wherein, he attempts to clue Nathan in with out tipping off Quincy.)

CHRIS: So Quincy! Why did I get kidnapped by you guys again?!

QUINCY: Why are you talking so loud? Shut up.

CHRIS: But you bad guys kidnapped me and brought me back to Stubby’s hideout for some reason!

(Chris can hear a squeak come out of the phone. Then it hangs up.)

CHRIS: Sorry. I was wondering if I talked really loud in here if it would echo. Do you ever do that? You think that a place might echo if you talk loud enough? I did that once in a fast food place, the night I first met Nathan, as a matter of a fact.

(Quincy is clearly getting irritated.)

QUINCY: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

CHRIS: Ok.

[EXT –WHALE-O BURGER – DAY]

(Nathan and Miguel are sitting in the local Whale-O Burger eating dolphin-dogs made with real dolphin. This is my story and I can rub it in the noses of the animal-huggers everywhere if I want.)

NATHAN: You know, maybe we should do something about Chris.

MIGUEL: Nah. He is fine. This whole thing has been going on for days and he seems to always come out alive. What’s a tiny bit more danger?

NATHAN: I kind of feel bad about leaving him at Hangman’s with those dudes.

MIGUEL: I don’t think they want us there, and I don’t want to be there, so there.

(Miguel pulls a napkin out of the holder. The little speaker on the holder makes an unmistakable dolphin scream.)

NATHAN: Don’t you just love this place?!

(Miguel takes a few bites and talks through the sweet dolphin meat.)

MIGUEL: You brought me here to try and test my liberal sensibilities but it won’t work.

(Nathan looks disappointed.)

NATHAN: Why not?

MIGUEL: I’m only a lip-service liberal. I only need to spout off liberal objections when it comes to stuff that conservatives say or when my wife is around. Really, I could give a shit.

NATHAN: I am sorely disappointed with you. They say opposites attract...

MIGUEL: Only Paula Abdul says that.

NATHAN: Come on. Where is the old fire? When we first met, I was sure you were going to be my best-est friend ever. That fire died out quickly.

(Nathan just watches Miguel in silence for a bit.)

NATHAN: Come on... Let’s go save Chris in a manner that our children and grandchildren will talk about for ages. We will do something so grand that it will be popular on the internet for a whole day.

(Miguel chews a bit more, thinking about it, but trying not to look like he is.)

NATHAN: Huh?

MIGUEL: I don’t know...

NATHAN: Huh?

MIGUEL: I...

NATHAN: Huh? Come on buddy!

(Miguel sighs, resigned.)

MIGUEL: Ok.

NATHAN: Yes! Thank you, Miguel. Now, get excited and stay that way for at least 10 hours. Fake it till you make it.

MIGUEL: I’ll try.

NATHAN: This will help.

(Nathan tosses a pill into Miguel’s direction. Since Miguel is used to this method for his Xanax delivery he automatically opens his mouth and the pill goes right in.)

MIGUEL: What was that?

NATHAN: Tabular speed.

MIGUEL: Whaaa?

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

(Chris struggles feebly with his bonds and Quincy sits at the table smashing little glass figurines, giggling in evil delight. Suddenly, the professor walks in, followed by Angelina, Stubby, and Paul. Behind them someone walks in who Chris knows very well – but I’m not gonna reveal that just yet.)

CHRIS: You pirating muthu’ fuckers!

(Stubby looks extremely happy about something.)

CHRIS: Are you in bed with these dicks now, Stubbs?

STUBBY: I’m now in the employ of these fine people, if that’s what you mean.

PROFESSOR: We had a little issue, Christopher. We thought we were done with you a while back but our formulae were not fully realized.

CHRIS: I wondered why he looks like shit.

PROFESSOR: Tisk tisk tisk now. I needed Larry to get a sample to retest so we could make adjustments and sure enough we needed you back.

(The professor looks back at his group of people.)

PROFESSOR: Angelina, saw. We are going to need a bone marrow sample.

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

CHRIS: Ow!

ANGELINA: I haven’t even started sawing yet.

CHRIS: I’m rehearsing.

(Angelina continues to sharpen the saw blade.)

CHRIS: Ow!

ANGELINA: Would somebody please shut him up?

[EXT – SOME ROAD – DAY]

NATHAN: Look Miguel, I’m sorry.

MIGUEL: I said it before and I’ll say it again. If it wasn’t for the fact that you have me hopped up on some super focused soccer mom pill, I would be extraordinarily pissed that we were walking. But as of right now, I’m fine with it.

NATHAN: Look Miguel, I’m really, really sorry.

MIGUEL: Maybe next time you’ll think about what you say about the condition of the cab you’re riding in. Oh wait; there won’t be a next time, because you got a lifetime ban.

NATHAN: Miguel, I’m very, very, very sorry. And in my defense, you were in that cab; you saw how disgusting it was.

MIGUEL: Maybe we should just put up with Shag and Dentre’s sobbing over lost commissions, and get a ride from then in MaryAnn.

NATHAN: That might work to get us to Hangman’s, but they’ll be useless in any sort of rescue mission.

MIGUEL: What about the Grrrls?

NATHAN: Oh, I love them. Though I think the Bible and Amy Grant would define it as lust. Wait, did you actually just have a good idea?

MIGUEL: Yes, I did.

NATHAN: That soccer mom speed is amazing. But you’re right; we can call the XXX Auto Club Roadside Assistance and ask them to give us a ride.

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

CHRIS: Ow!

ANGELINA: Shut up!

CHRIS: But you’re really cutting into my leg now!

ANGELINA: Either keep quiet, or I’ll have them gag you and remove the Mr. Peepers drip.

CHRIS: Whimper.

(Angelina rolls her eyes and starts cutting again.)

ANGELINA: You were supposed to whimper, not say whimper.

CHRIS: Ow!

ANGELINA: Shut up!

CHRIS: Ow! Ow! Ow! Fiddlesticks!

QUINCY: Well, at least he has the decency to not cuss even through all the pain.

STUBBY: Actually, he’s referring to my collection of fiddle sticks that I have hanging on the wall.

(Quincy turns to look, but there is nothing on the walls.)

QUINCY: You fooled me. That’s a funny thing, boss.

STUBBY: Just trying to lighten the mood. I think he may actually be delirious from the shock.

CHRIS: Ooh that tickles.

QUINCY: Yeah, he’s delirious. It’s more humane that way.

PROFESSOR: Can you get a sample now?

ANGELINA: I believe I’ve cut far enough now.

PAUL: I love my little surgeon/scientist/hot chick.

(Angelina groans, but stays focused on the task at hand. Angelina is busy playing surgeon/scientist/hot chick, and doesn’t notice that Chris has come out of his haze, and is looking at her with focus and clarity.)

CHRIS: That really tickles you know?

STUBBY: Wait, that doesn’t sound like delirious shock.

CHRIS: You altered my DNA so that I would no longer have super speed.

PROFESSOR: Yes, but we can get the unaltered DNA from your bone marrow.

CHRIS: And so can I. You know what happens if I rub the loose ends of this rope together.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD’S GHOST: Don’t say loose ends. The continuity of this story literally killed me.

CHRIS: Stay out of this, Board Member Reginald. I need to concentrate to escape.

QUINCY: Who is he talking to?

STUBBY: Shocked delirium.

CHRIS: You’re not real Board Member Reginald. I have to focus on escaping.

ANGELINA: I’m almost done here if someone would just shut him up.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD’S GHOST: You will go to the Dagobah system.

CHRIS: I will do nothing of the sort. I just have to rub the loose ends of the rope together.

(Stubby and Quincy, who are approaching Chris, notice that he is rubbing the rope parts together, but that he is using super speed to do it. Before they have a moment to react the rope catches on fire.)

Chris: Ow!

STUBBY: Damn it! I knew I should have bought tallow soaked rope rather than the cheap stuff.

PROFESSOR: Tallow soaked? They make that?

(Chris, with his hands now free, slaps Angelina away from her marrow extraction work. He reaches down and unties the binds on his feet with super speed. He then immediately knocks out Paul before Paul can use his power to stop Chris. He tears Paul’s shirt to make a tourniquet for his leg. He ties it off as Board Member Reginald’s Ghost scolds him.)

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD’S GHOST: We’re looking for ratings here. You should have torn Angelina’s shirt for a tourniquet.

CHRIS: Leather doesn’t make for a good tourniquet.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD’S GHOST: True.

CHRIS: Oh, and I’m not talking to you, because you’re not real.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD’S GHOST: Fair enough.

(Chris finishes the tourniquet, just as Stubby and Quincy are about to overtake him. He speeds off out of the hideout.)

PROFESSOR: What the hell!? How does he always manage to escape!?

(Chris speeds back in to the hideout.)

CHRIS: Next time I gain back my super power, you should run straight to the dampening field rather than trying to grab me.

(Chris speeds out of the hideout.)

QUINCY: He has a point.

[INT – XXX AUTO CLUB TRUCK – DAY]

GRRRL 1: We could get in trouble for this you know. We’re not a taxi service.

(Nathan is sitting in close quarters with Grrrl 2 and seems to be in delirious shock.)

NATHAN: Uh huh…

GRRRL 1: We’re only doing this because it’s been a slow shift, and because we dislike Angelina as much as you do.

(The truck hits a bump, and Nathan gets popped in the head by rather large bouncing boobs.)

NATHAN: Uh huh…

(Meanwhile, Focus Group Miguel with swivel action grip and special mental faculties included with purchase, is speaking French to Grrrl 3. She seems to be swept off her feet, even though she can’t understand a word Miguel is saying.)

GRRRL 3: I thought you were nothing but a drip before, but now you seem more focused and intense, and I must say that I want to do things that I’ll be thinking of even as I die by your wife’s scorned hands strangling me.

MIGUEL: Ah moan sherry sieve you play… is that Chris running along side our truck.

NATHAN: Uh huh…

MIGUEL: I thought it was. Thank you for verifying, Nathan.

NATHAN: What? What did I do?

[INT – MINK AND SHAKE RESTAURANT – NIGHT]

(Chris, Nathan, and Miguel sit at a table with Grrrl 1, Grrrl 2, and Grrrl 3, watching the sunset through the restaurant window.)

MIGUEL: The colours are so vibrant.

NATHAN: Colors, Miguel. It’s pronounced colors.

MIGUEL: For you low cultured Americans perhaps.

NATHAN: Remind me never to give him a focus pill again.

CHRIS: He seems useful all of a sudden though.

NATHAN: So Stubby’s real hideout isn’t actually at Hangman’s?

CHRIS: No, it’s in some sort of Batman like cave. And Garrett took my Duran Duran collection, so that whole trip was pointless.

NATHAN: Except that you found out that Stubby met with Owen R. and then returned with Paul, Angelina, and the professor. That’s more information than we had before.

MIGUEL: Not to mention that you got your power back.

NATHAN (grumbling): Yeah, not to mention that.

MIGUEL: Who the hell is Owen R? Is he married to a woman name Veru?

NATHAN: I would think that that pill would have made you grow out of that.

MIGUEL: And there is that thing that Chris is refusing to reveal to us.

CHRIS: What? You love it when I keep you in the dark about something for a long period of time only to reveal it later after you no longer care.

NATHAN: You said it was someone who you know very well.

CHRIS: Then I said, “But I’m not gonna reveal that just yet.”

MIGUEL: Let it go, Nathan. It will end up being some guy that was in the background of a Sonic Youth video, and you’ll just be disappointed.

(The waiter, played by Steve Buscemi, approaches the table with a tray of plates. Each plate has a variety of pasta surrounding a small cooked carcass.)

WAITER: Your grilled mink with choice of pasta side. Are you enjoying your milkshakes?

MIGUEL: At five dollars a pop, they’d better be good shakes.

WAITER: Sir, I’ve already told you that our milkshakes only cost $2.99.

NATHAN: So Miguel, does this disgust your liberal sensibilities? Your average mink can only feed one human. All those slaughtered minks. Horribly murdered and then cooked for the pleasure of fat, greedy humans.

MIGUEL: You know this pill is making me think clearer, and I’m realizing that conservative thinking is really sounder than liberal thinking.

CHRIS: Except on social issues.

MIGUEL: Fair enough.

(Nathan looks at his plate. He looks a little disgusted by the grilled mink.)

NATHAN: Well, I’m glad that you’re finally seeing the light.

CHRIS: So, Grrrl 2. You’ve hardly said anything since we’ve been here. Is there something on your mind?

GRRRL 2: I’ve been missing our job at the heavy metal bar.

CHRIS: Yeah, why aren’t you working there anymore?

GRRRL 2: Those places open and close quicker than theme restaurants.

(The waiter walks up to the table.)

WAITER: The bad news is that we’re being shut down because of failure to pay rent. The good news is that the landlord is letting everyone finish their meal.

(The waiter walks away, flips off his boss, and leaves the restaurant.)

CHRIS: Listen Grrrls, I don’t mean to take advantage of our current comfortableness with each other…

GRRRL 1: This is so guy like. I bought you dinner now you have to do something to my penis.

GRRRL 3 (watching Miguel eat and slobber mink juice): I can only hope that’s what he wants.

CHRIS: No, you misunderstand me. I wanted to ask you about Angelina.

NATHAN: For the record, I like the penis idea.

CHRIS: When Nathan had his power, he was blocked from getting any Intel from Angelina’s mind. What do you know about her part in all of this?

NATHAN: Speaking of which. I’m not too happy that you have your power back and I don’t. Do you think you could perform the actions that got you your power back on me?

CHRIS: Sure.

(Chris describes the method by which he got his power back. Nathan’s face has gone pale. He looks at his plate.)

NATHAN: Anybody want this?

(Miguel, wiping his face, soaking the napkin, and still not getting it all, raises his hand. Nathan pushes the plate to Miguel.)

GRRRL 2: The truth is that we don’t really know what Angelina has been trying to accomplish. About all we can say is that she is a self-mercenary. Rather than giving her services to the highest bidder, she switches sides according to whim…

(Nathan, Chris, and Miguel “woot” and give each other high fives.)

GRRRL 2: …based on who she thinks will bring her the most power. Then when she has the most to gain, she’ll arrange a coup and take over.

GRRRL 1: While she paid us well, we’re probably lucky to have been fired. Paul and the professor are going to regret letting her get so close.

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – NIGHT]

(Angelina wakes up. She seems dizzy and holds her head in her hands.)

ANGELINA: I don’t remember drinking anything.

(Paul is sitting at the end of the makeshift bed of anything remotely soft they could find around the cave.)

PAUL: Chris got his power back and slapped you pretty hard. I think the speed made it harder than it normally would have been. The good news is there is no longer a handprint on your face.

ANGELINA: The bone marrow sample!

PAUL: It fell on the ground when you were knocked out, but the professor thinks he may have saved enough. He’s in there now testing it.

(End Episode Forty-One)

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