Saturday, October 8, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Forty – Hey Homey, What You Got on My...

(by the AccordingToWhim crew)

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - RE/MAX CENTRAL - DAY]

(Shag, Dentre, Nathan, and Miguel are hanging out at the RE/MAX headquarters trying to figure out the puzzle that is the Professor, Quincy the Glassbreaker, Angelina, Paul, and Eric. Not to mention where Stubby and Garrett fit into all of this. Not to further mention Larry.)

DENTRE: Paul and Angelina help you guys at first against the professor...

NATHAN: Right.

DENTRE: Then he turns on you...

MIGUEL: Sure.

DENTRE: Then Stubby shows up sponsoring Quincy, who the United Federation of Realtors was already watching...

NATHAN: Correct. Then the Professor sees that Paul has powers too, so he forgets all about us and has Paul join him.

MIGUEL: Um hummm. I thought everything was over at that point. They just dropped us like a date who just discovered you have oral herpes.

NATHAN: Nice.

SHAG: Didn’t you guys skip a lot?

MIGUEL: We are just going over who and what, not all that unpleasantness that happened.

NATHAN: Like you getting a mouth full of my puke or being laid out by a falling penny?

(Miguel says nothing.)

DENTRE: You wind up annoying the professor and his gang and pay for it when they take your powers away. I love to suckee pee pee.

(Dentre looks confused as he says that last sentence.)

MIGUEL: They didn’t take my power.

DENTRE: Then Stubby makes his move and tries to get his revenge.

NATHAN: Yes, I have some painful bruises to prove that.

DENTRE: That’s when we are all messed up thanks to Larry’s dream power and found ourselves back in the professor’s clutches.

NATHAN: Yeah, that’s when they became interested in Chris again all the sudden!

SHAG: Don’t forget buzz-cut.

DENTRE: Suddenly, COBALT shows up and Eric and his crew kidnap you all.

MIGUEL: I think they were really after Larry, but they didn’t know who was who so they got us all.

NATHAN: Garrett tries to kill us...

DENTRE: Yeah, that part doesn’t make sense still.

NATHAN: I’m sure the writers will work that in somewhere near the end.

SHAG: After we escape, hot, sexy ta-tas steals off with little Larry.

NATHAN: Don’t forget that Larry shows up and steals some of Chris’s hair. Like I said earlier, I think they were getting his genes or something.

MIGUEL: The premise of there being multiple clones of Chris has already been explored in: “Introduction,” a novel by Chris McGinty. You will just have to come up with something else Nathan.

NATHAN: Fine. They need the genetic data to build an exo-skin because Chris is a robot!

MIGUEL: A robot?

SHAG: A robot?

DENTRE: A robot?

NATHAN: Is there an echo in here?

DENTRE: Look!

(Dentre’s exclamation scares everyone since it was so violent and loud. Dentre points to the map of North Texas. On the screen, a portion of West Fort Worth turns red before their eyes.)

DENTRE: Sudden property value collapse!

SHAG: What happened?

NATHAN: Quincy the Glassbreaker!

DENTRE: The horror!

SHAG: The reduced commissions!

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

QUINCY: Who me?

CHRIS: Yeah, you.

QUINCY: Why would you think I would do that?

CHRIS: Because you have a history.

QUINCY: That doesn’t mean anything.

CHRIS: Listen, do you want me to go copy/paste the exact quote from earlier about you being a reasonable man, or do you just want to get me a soda to make up for me being tied up here in Stubby’s hideout, which sounds like something off of a breakfast cereal, for the last few hours while you were off doing whatever it was that you were doing?

QUINCY: No, I’ll just get you something to drink, so you’ll shut up.

(Quincy goes to a small refrigerator that Stubby has sitting in the corner. He brings out a Mr. Peepers.)

CHRIS: Great. Generic.

QUINCY: Do you want it or not?

CHRIS: Yes.

(Quincy opens it, and brings it over to Chris, trying to figure out how to best pour it in his mouth.)

CHRIS: Tell you what. Just untie me. I’m not in a fighting back and escaping kind of mood right now. We’ll sit down. We’ll chat. I’ll drink my soda. You can tie me back up before Stubby returns.

(Quincy unties him. Chris sits down at a card table and drinks his soda. Quincy grabs a soda and joins Chris. Quincy opens the soda and starts to drink it as Chris says…)

CHRIS: So what have you got going on with Owen R.?

(Quincy turns his head and spits the soda everywhere.)

CHRIS: Spit takes are so fun.

QUINCY: How do you know about Owen R.?

CHRIS: The glass in your hair.

QUINCY: But how?

CHRIS: Listen, I’ll give you all of my Sherlock Holmes style reasoning, but first, I want you to tell me what’s going on.

QUINCY: No. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s keep a tight lip to your enemies.

CHRIS: I thought we were friends. Sitting here. Drinking soda. Passing the time.

QUINCY: You’re Nathan’s friend, so we can be civil, but we’ll always be on two separate sides of a feud.

CHRIS: Yep. Total Polanski and McCoy action here. How about if I tell you what’s going on? Stubby is off meeting with Owen R right now. He’s trying to make up for misusing the Hangman’s premises while interrogating Nathan. He asked you to go out and do some major damage to the property values of West Fort Worth so that Owen R. can buy up all the land around Hangman’s for cheap. Then he had you come back here to baby sit me while Owen R. grapples with whether or not to cut loose Stubby from any funding.

QUINCY: But how could you?

(It’s then that Chris’s phone starts talking.)

CHRIS’S PHONE: Yo, Tony. You got one text message from Nathan. It says, “Now Dentre is sobbing, while crying, while wiping his nose on Shag’s shirt. Please hurry up with Stubby and come get us.”

CHRIS: I’ve been getting text messages from Nathan. I couldn’t see the phone to dial out, but I accidentally hit the right part of the screens to turn on my “Text to Danny Devito” function.

QUINCY: I thought iPoos had “Text to Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

CHRIS (mumbling): I have a Samsprung.

[INT - RE/MAX CENTRAL - DAY]

(Meanwhile, at the sob fest in question.)

NATHAN: Seriously Miguel, we gotta get out of here. I can’t take much more of the grieving process.

(Miguel just nods at Nathan.)

NATHAN: This isn’t driving you batty?

(Miguel nods at Nathan again. Nathan looks closer, and notices ear buds in Miguel’s ears. He reaches out and snatches them.)

MIGUEL: What the hell!?

NATHAN: Have you been paying attention at all?

MIGUEL: Quincy blah blah. Shag hold me blah blah. You think I care about any of this? We just keep getting dragged along for the ride. You want to be at home mowing your lawn, and I haven’t spanked to Carrie Fisher in at least a week.

NATHAN: You have a point, but I have to admit that it’s gotten to this point where I just want to get some answers to clear this up. I’d feel like I turned off a movie two thirds of the way through.

(Nathan’s text message goes off. It’s from Chris, and it reads, “I shut off ‘Notting Hill’ halfway through and haven’t ever regretted not knowing how it ends.”)

NATHAN: What the hell? How did he? Oh, it’s 4:20 pm. That’s just the service that sends out a random Chris fact from his phone number every day.

MIGUEL: I know. It’s creepy sometimes. You think he’s listening in to your conversation.

NATHAN: So what do we do? Do we go home…

MIGUEL: Yes.

NATHAN: I didn’t give both options.

MIGUEL: Did one of the options involve going to see a Stephen Spielberg movie at the movie tavern?

NATHAN: No.

MIGUEL: Then I stick by my answer.

(They both look at Shag and Dentre and the melodrama.)

NATHAN: It might not be so bad if we were at Shag’s HQ with those girls in the gold pantsuits.

MIGUEL: Yeah, I could get a tear or two going then.

[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

CHRIS: So then he sends a text to me saying that they ruled out the possibility of them wanting to clone me, because that’s one of the surprise reveals of the “According To Whim” novel that I haven’t even finished writing yet. Didn’t even give a Spoiler Alert before saying it.

QUINCY: What? Does that make you mad?

CHRIS: Nah. Ain’t nobody reading this. And I figure it counts as my first internet leak.

QUINCY: Maybe you could spoil one of his stories.

CHRIS: Nah, he writes flash fiction. It would take me more words to spoil the story than it took for him to write the story.

(Quincy’s phone rings.)

QUINCY: Yeah.

(Chris can hear Stubby’s voice over the phone, but can’t make out what he’s saying.)

QUINCY: So what about Owen?

(Chris tries, but still can’t understand.)

QUINCY: Ok, then I’ll talk to you here.

(Quincy hangs up.)

QUINCY: He didn’t want to talk over the phone. This means I have to tie you back up.

CHRIS: Ok. But let it be known that as soon as I’m tied back up, I’m going to start trying to escape.

[INT – THE PROFESSOR’S HIDEOUT – DAY]

(Angelina walks in. Paul’s heart flutters and he smiles stupidly.)

ANGELINA: I have Larry here for that reason that I’m being really vague about.

PROFESSOR: Oh good. I’ll have a talk with him soon about those subjects that I’m being really vague about.

PAUL: I have an erection.

(The professor and Angelina look at Paul like he’s pathetic.)

PAUL: I probably should have also been vague, huh?

(End Episode Forty)

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