Sunday, August 21, 2011

Flash Ahhhh! Special Edition Footage – The Trio Goes to See Revenge of the Sith

by Chris McGinty (According To Whim .com)

The following celebrity text-over by George Lucas is an impersonation done by Chris’s fingertips:

GEORGE: George Lucas here. After my presumed cameo in Episode Twenty-Six, I was asked by the According To Whim guys to create some additional scenes for “Flash Ahhhh!” Or rather some “Special Editional” scenes. haha

MIGUEL: Oh, Mr. Lucas, you’re so funny.

GEORGE: Chill out kid. You’re almost as pathetic as Stephen.

NATHAN: Now, hold on a minute. We didn’t ask you to make anything.

GEORGE: Ok, ok. My insatiable obsession with tampering with things got the best of me.

CHRIS: Well, you certainly have Miguel’s $20 when you put it on a Blu-Ray disc.

GEORGE: Um, right. Anyway, this new scene takes places during Episode Three, appropriately enough, when Miguel shows up and says they have a full day together because he has the power to obfus… to obfus… to keep his wife from detecting his lie about going to work.

[EXT – DAY – DOWNTOWN FORT WORTH]

CHRIS: So we’re presumably super heroes…

MIGUEL: Or super villains.

CHRIS: … or super villains. So what do we do now?

NATHAN: Let’s go to TCC.

CHRIS: To Collect Costumes.

NATHAN: Don’t start. No one got that sketch the first time we did it. No, I was just thinking that it’s a community college. They have government forms available to students. Maybe we can find someone nice who will give us the forms to register our powers.

MIGUEL: But before we go to TCC, let’s go see a matinee. I know a theater that is still showing “Revenge of the Sith” even though this is presumably 2006 and/or 2011.

(The scene cuts to a TV show opening piece. It sounds an awful lot like the MST3K Theme.)

In the not too distant past
Sometime in 2006
Nathan came up with a sketch
That time could not nix

We’ll go see a Star Wars Movie
The worst of the lot (la la la)
We’ll talk throughout the picture
And act like little snots

It’s Mystery Flash Ahhhh! 3000

[INT – DAY – MOVIE THEATER]

(“Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith” is starting on the screen as Miguel Servo, JoNateMike, and Chriooows take their seats in the front row. Their shapes are silhouetted in front of the screen.)

CHRIS: Sometimes I’m happy for Spell Check, or I would have never got “silhouetted” right.

MIGUEL: Long time ago… it was just 1977.

CHRIS: It’s 2006 Miguel.

MIGUEL: What!? I feel so old.

NATHAN: No panic attacks before the end of the first act, Miguel.

MIGUEL: Episode III: The Revenge of the Jedi… oops, I mean the Sith.

CHRIS: Episode III: The Sith Sense.

NATHAN: I don’t mean to spoil it guys, but Bruce Willis was Darth Vader all along.

CHRIS: Great! No surprise ending for us.

(Later in the movie, Count Dooku is talking some smack about making a short order cook of Anakin, or something like that.)

ANAKIN (on screen): My powers have doubled since last time we met, Count.

CHRIS: Uh, one, two. He’s right, Mike. Doubled.

NATHAN: My name’s not Mike.

CHRIS: Soooorrrrreeee. I’ll be sure to call you Nathan from here on out.

NATHAN: Well, it is my name.

CHRIS: Oh, like that’s a reason.

MIGUEL: My name is Spanish for Mike. You can call me Mike if you like.

CHRIS: Shut up, Joel.

MIGUEL: Mike if you like.

NATHAN: You’re a poet and didn’t realize it.

(Chris laughs.)

CHRIS: That’s really funny.

NATHAN: Thanks. But you’re the one who said it. I stole it from you.

CHRIS: Wow. I’m really funny.

(They’re mesmerized for a moment by the light saber fight.)

CHRIS: Nathan, if Anakin’s power doubles again it’ll be four. If it doubles again after that it’ll be eight. You know what happens if it doubles again?

NATHAN: You’ll have a million dollars in less than a month?

MIGUEL: No, he won’t be able to add anymore because he doesn’t have that many fingers.

NATHAN: Are you going to let him talk about you that way?

CHRIS: Well, that was the right answer.

(Later in the film, Obi Wan is telling Anakin that he was the true hero of the day. Anakin quips a response.)

ANAKIN (on screen): After saving you for the tenth time

OBI WAN (on screen): Ninth time. That business on Cato Neimoidia doesn’t count.

NATHAN: That business on Kato Kaelin doesn’t count either.

MIGUEL: Nor does that business on Leonard Neimoidia.

CHRIS: What a vague detail to bring up, “That business on Cato Neimoidia.” Luckily, I heard that the resulting fan fiction riot didn’t cause too many injuries.

(Later in the movie, Chris is coming back from getting popcorn.)

CHRIS: Did I miss anything?

MIGUEL: Just a few minutes.

CHRIS: Damn it. The one time I was actually hoping for the line to be long. How did I let you talk me into coming to see this pile of Sith?

NATHAN: We said we would let you talk during the movie.

CHRIS: Oh! That’s right.

(On screen, Samuel L Jackson, as Mace Windu, is talking to Anakin about the Chancellor's move to put him on the Jedi Council.)

MACE WINDU (on screen): You are on this council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master.

ANAKIN (on screen): What?

(The shot cuts to Mace Windu looking stern.)

CHRIS: Say what again, motherfucker! Say what again!

MIGUEL: ILM. I Like Mace.

NATHAN: ILM. Industrial Light and Mace.

CHRIS: ILM. I Lost my mind when I agreed to see this movie that is only made good by Mace.

(Later in the movie, there is some sort of issue that doesn’t turn out too well for Mace.)

MIGUEL: It’s going to the wall! Bases loaded and it’s going to the wall!

NATHAN: And it’s out of there! Final score Coruscant Siths 6 Naboo Jedis 2!

CHRIS: That part where the glass shattered was like one of those mission based video games with an interactive environment.

MIGUEL: I don’t know what just got into me. I know nothing about football.

NATHAN: Me neither… I thought that was volleyball.

(It is at this time that Anakin joins Chancellor Palpatine.)

PALPATINE (on screen): Henceforth you will be known as Darth…

CHRIS: Reginald? No wait, that’s taken.

PALPATINE (on screen): … Vader.

MIGUEL: Ooh, I like it. Palpatine comes up with the greatest names.

CHRIS: What was with that pause? Did he have to think of something?

NATHAN: I hear that in the first draft of the script he opened the phone book to a random page and pointed.

PALPATINE (on screen): I believe you are the only Jedi with no knowledge of this plot.

CHRIS: Which means he’s doing about as well as the audience.

PALPATINE (on screen): You will go to the Jedi Tower.

CHRIS (whining): Awwww! But I hate doing side missions.

NATHAN: Quiet you. Or I’ll make you drive a cab in Liberty City.

PALPATINE (on screen): Wipe out Viceroy Gunray…

CHRIS: We’ll blame it on John Linckhey, Jr.

(Later in the film, Obi Wan is watching security footage of Anakin’s wacky, and decidedly evil, hijinks.)

PALPATINE (on screen (on screen)): Now Lord Vader, go and bring peace to the galaxy.

MIGUEL: Sophisticated camera equipment that provides revisionist history.

OBI WAN (on screen): I can’t watch anymore.

CHRIS: I started feeling that way about an hour ago.

(Later in the film, Obi Wan is arguing with Anakin.)

OBI WAN (on screen): Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

NATHAN: He said, absolutely.

CHRIS: Why would anyone want to hang out on a lava planet?

MIGUEL: I don’t know. Why did Billy Corgan feel the need to hang out on the dark side of the moon in “Star Trek: Nemesis?”

CHRIS: Hey! That made sense. This doesn’t.

MIGUEL: Why, I oughtta come over there and…

NATHAN (singing): La la la la lava lamp.

(All three start to dance in their seats.)

ALL THREE (singing): I love to turn you on.

(Later, after many terrible things have happened that set up the story of the original trilogy, Senator Organa is walking down the corridor with C-3PO and R2-D2.)

ORGANA (on screen): Have the protocol droid’s mind wiped.

C-3PO (on screen): What? Oh no.

CHRIS: After this movie, Three-pio, you’re the lucky one.

MIGUEL: Jimmy Smits always gets so smug when he clears up a plot hole.

(The scene ends and we cut back to George Lucas, still being text-over impersonated.)

GEORGE: I hope you have enjoyed this Special Edition look at “Flash Ahhhh!” Give us long enough for the home video sales to slip, and we’ll release a new Special Edition Box Set with a never before seen scene that features props and locations from the serial along with shots of characters, all of whose faces will be shrouded in some way that it’s impossible to tell if the footage is authentic.

NATHAN (sarcastically): Oh boy, I can’t wait.

MIGUEL (holding a $20 bill): Me either.

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