Saturday, July 2, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Twenty-Six - Hellfire and Danny-Nation

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[EXT - DAY - DOWNTOWN FORT WORTH]

NATHAN: What’s the address for Danny Doo-da?

CHRIS: Daewoo.

NATHAN: Yeah, yeah what’s the address? I need to go home and change. I will meet you up there.

CHRIS: It’s at The Crunch. Remember, that’s where we tried to shoot a scene for Season Two, and they threw us out the moment they noticed we didn’t have black eyeliner on?

NATHAN: Oh yeah, The Crunch. Ok, when’s the show?

CHRIS: Well, if I remember correctly pre-pre-registration for bands is at 2pm.

NATHAN: Ok, so like what, three o’clock?

CHRIS: Oh no no no. Three o’clock is for pre-registration.

NATHAN: Then four?

CHRIS: Four is for post-registration and sound check.

NATHAN: Five?

CHRIS: Five is pre-post late check-in and post re-sound checking.

NATHAN: Six?

CHRIS: Six o’clock is when the show starts.

NATHAN: Ok.

(Chris reaches out to stop Nathan.)

CHRIS: Six is when the show starts but Danny Daewoo and the Killer ‘Shrooms don’t go on first. Oh no no no.

NATHAN: No?

CHRIS: No. An act like theirs... never so early.

NATHAN: When do they go on?

CHRIS: Well let’s see.

(Chris looks off into the sky as if remembering. This is very painful for him since he NEVER looks into a lighted sky.)

CHRIS: First off is The Vomit Comets.

NATHAN: Ewwww.

CHRIS: Then the cleaning crew.

NATHAN: What time does their set start?

CHRIS: No, the actual cleaning crew. They aren’t called The Vomit Comets for nothing.

NATHAN: Then?

CHRIS: Erectile Dysfunction featuring Limp Biscotti.

NATHAN: Then?

CHRIS: Orifice Cleansing.

NATHAN: Nice.

CHRIS: Three Doors Down.

NATHAN: Ok...

CHRIS: Scrotal Carnage and then Danny Daewoo and the Killer 'Shrooms.

NATHAN: What time is that?

CHRIS: Eleven forty-five.

NATHAN: Geez, and how do you know this? Oh wait, I remember. Every time Danny Daewoo farts, you log it in your Danny Daewoo Diary.

CHRIS: Every show, wherever he goes.

NATHAN: Ok, what time do we meet there?

CHRIS: Well, since I am starting to see double, I am guessing a nice hour long nap, then off to the Crunch for pre-pre-registration.

NATHAN: I don’t want to sit around that long!

CHRIS: You don’t have to. I have to be there to chronicle Danny’s every move for the diary. You show up at eleven for Scrotal Carnage.

NATHAN: No thanks.

(Nathan reflexively covers his crotch.)

CHRIS: No later than eleven thirty.

NATHAN: Got it. Then after Danny we kidnap Miguel.

CHRIS: Right.

NATHAN: Ok, see you then. Get some sleep.

(Nathan turns and walks away with big grin on his face.)

[EXT - DAY – NATHAN’S HOUSE]

(Nathan is riding on his riding lawnmower, mowing the backyard. He takes his cell phone out of his pocket, and negligently tosses it in front of the mower.)

(End Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[Excerpts from Chris’s "Danny Daewoo Diary"]

1:55 pm: Danny is fashionably early for pre-pre-registration. His eyeliner is simply divine. It’s great the way he makes the lackeys of the band (read: other band members) carry all the equipment.

3:42 pm: Danny has been napping for an hour. I’ve been watching him the whole time. He has breathed 644 times, and a puddle of drool has formed by his mouth.

5:33 pm: Danny’s sound check and re-sound check have been fantastic. I tried calling Nathan so he could hear, and he didn’t answer either time. It’s going straight to voicemail.

6:24 pm: Danny just did an impromptu duet with The Vomit Comets. I think they actually made him ill. My tummy isn’t feeling too good either. I’m hoping they skip the encore.

6:50 pm: The cleaning crew was great as always, and they’re finally using better smelling ammonia based cleaners. Nathan’s phone is still going to voicemail.

7:35 pm: E.D. was so much better before they went Limp. Just sayin’.

7:44 pm: Danny told the greatest joke after the E.D. set. Something about a chicken getting to the other side. Only he can tell it right. Only he can do anything right. I asked him to tell the joke to Nathan’s voicemail. He’s so awesome when he gives that disdainful look.

822 pm: Orifice Cleansing… I’m not sure what to think. They’re a Tool tribute band, which is fine, but the only song they cover is “Aenima.” This is the fourth time their playing it.

9:38 pm: Everybody keeps asking Three Doors Down to play “Kryptonite,” and they’re like, “We’re Three not 3.” Whatever that means. I hope they play “Kryptonite.”

9:44 pm: Danny said that he might just go home early rather than worry about playing. What a fucking rock star!

10:30 pm: Scrotal Carnage is taking the stage.

10:33 pm: I’m outside. I couldn’t handle Scrotal Carnage.

11:45: Danny is taking the stage. They’re opening with “Danny’s Theme Song – Opening Credits.”

11:49: They’re doing “Daewoo Gone Wild.” Nathan isn’t here yet. He’s missing out

11:56 pm: “Knight & Daewoo!” I love this song. Nathan’s phone is still going to voicemail.

12:05 am: They’re playing a track from the first EP, “Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny, Fuck Yeah!” Aweeeeeesome!

12:10 am: Ooooh. “The Danny-Nile is Not a River in Egypt.”

12:28 am: I forgot how long that song was. They’re covering a Tiffany song. You will never guess which one. Yep. “Danny.”

12:35 am: Seriously, where the fuck in Nathan? I think this justifies homicide. They’re doing “Danny vs. the Daewoo.” I heard this was about his struggle with alcohol, or black tar, or something like that.

1:01 am: They did all seven parts. I’m weak in the knees… and I can’t look up without may head falling backward.

1:03 am: They’re doing “Danny’s Theme Song – Closing Credits.”

1:15 am: I’m goig to drag Natan out of him fucking bad, and were gong to the mater Garbens. Fucking assshole. I’ll be thees

1:17 am: Ok. Pulled over now. I have to pay attention to my driving. I’ll write later.

[EXT – NIGHT – WATER GARDENS IN FORT WORTH]

(Chris and Nathan walk through the dark public park.)

CHRIS: And then Danny told this joke, and you totally missed it.

NATHAN: I know. I can’t believe I didn’t wake up to my alarm. And my poor phone. Where the hell is Miguel?

CHRIS: I don’t know. Knowing Miguel, there should be nothing that would have kept him from coming here.

NATHAN: Do you think the Head Case has him already?

CHRIS: Well, it would be easy enough to find out. Let’s go to the… you know, the place… that Pillow Talk was when we left.

(They arrive at the part of the park in question, and Ole Pillowcase Head is nowhere to be seen.)

NATHAN: Neither is Miguel.

(Neither is Miguel.)

CHRIS: Neither is Garrett.

(Neither is Garrett.)

NATHAN: So what now? And please include the phrase, “We go home and get some sleep and not worry about this stupid crap,” somewhere in your answer.

(Chris opens his cell phone. He dials, but the call goes straight to voicemail.)

MIGUEL (voicemail): Um, if you’re trying to reach me via my cell phone, I’m waiting on a replacement after an incident with vomit and a swimming pool. Call me at my home phone.

(Chris closes his phone.)

CHRIS: Well, I’m not doing that at this time of night. His wife would kill me.

(Chris opens his cell phone. He waits as it rings.)

GARRETT (on phone): Hey, are you here in the casino? Is there something you wish to tip me stupid amounts of money to do?

CHRIS: No and yes, but none of that is important now. You’re at the casino?

GARRETT (on phone): Yeah, I told my little pal there that I had to work and he believed me. Then they called me in, making me not a liar after the fact.

CHRIS: Did he say he was going anywhere?

NATHAN: Like home and to bed.

(Like home and to bed.)

NATHAN: Not you.

GARRETT (on phone): He said he was waiting there for you. He told me to come back if I got off work early, but that’s not going to happen.

(Chris hangs up rather abruptly.)

CHRIS: Ok, we need to explore some other possibilities here. Who the fuck is that?

(Nathan follows Chris’s stare, and sees a figure in the shadows.)

NATHAN: Maybe a bum looking for a place to sleep?

CHRIS: Hey you! Wut’s up. Huh? Wut up, yo? Don’t make me f’kin come o’er ther and find the f’k out, yo!

NATHAN: Why are you talking like that?

CHRIS: It’s called fronting. The first one to do it usually puts the other off from wishing to attack.

(The figure comes into the light.)

CHRIS: George?

GEORGE: Chris?

NATHAN: Wait?

CHRIS: What are you doing here?

GEORGE: I read in the rumours section on TheForce.net that I’m guest shooting a scene in Logan’s Run 2. I came here to see if it was true.

CHRIS: Have you seen Miguel here? He’s probably the source of that rumour.

GEORGE: I don’t know this Miguel.

CHRIS: His screen name on TheForce.net is Patme Buddhawalker.

GEORGE: Oh, that guy. No, I’ve not seen him. Well, bye.

NATHAN: So what now?

[INT – NIGHT – WATER GARDENS CONFISCATED CAMERA OFFICE]

(Chris and Nathan walk in.)

CITY WORKER: May I help… oh, it’s you two.

NATHAN: Why are you still working? Your shift should have ended hours ago.

CITY WORKER: Someone spread a rumour on TheForce.net, and so I’ve had to pull some major overtime confiscating cameras.

NATHAN: Speaking of which, you have my Jedi Conflux.

CITY WORKER: I love you too, sir.

NATHAN: Um, my camera. It’s called the…

CITY WORKER: Oh that. Yeah, just fill out this form.

(City Worker places a 42 page form on the desk. Nathan dutifully starts filling it out. Nathan has his own pen on him.)

CHRIS: Did you have to confiscate another camera from Pillow Sack? You know, after you took my friend’s camera.

CITY WORKER: Never saw him after that.

CHRIS: Hmm. Nathan, I’ll be back.

NATHAN: Don’t dawdle. I’m almost to page two on this thing.

[INT – NIGHT – OFFICER DICKHEAD’S OFFICE]

(Chris walks in and finds Officer Dickhead looking at porn on his computer.)

CHRIS: What are you still doing at work?

DICKHEAD: What do you mean? If you didn’t think I would still be at work, why are you here?

CHRIS: I was… oh my! Can you please put Dickhead Jr. away.

(Officer Dickhead conceals something in his pants.)

DICKHEAD: Oh, sorry.

CHRIS: I was just going to snoop through your office for the hell of it, and maybe erase those tickets you gave us.

DICKHEAD: Fine. Done. Just don’t tell anyone I was up here whacking off. And I want you to keep in mind that your blackmailing ways will catch up with you one day.

CHRIS: I wasn’t… eh. Listen, did you see Olay Pillow Va after you gave us those tickets today?

DICKHEAD: Nope. That was the only cussing I had to deal with. Well, City Worker was cussing up a storm, because of some rumour, but I didn’t ticket him.

CHRIS: Do you have an address on Mr. Pillow Culture?

DICKHEAD: He just put Hangman’s in the address space.

CHRIS: Hmm. That’s not really any help. Ok, bye.

DICKHEAD: Hey wait! You don’t happen to like dudes do you?

CHRIS: Um. No.

(Chris hurries out the door.)

[INT – NIGHT – WATER GARDENS CONFISCATED CAMERA OFFICE]

(Chris walks in.)

CHRIS: Awwwwwkwaaaaard.

NATHAN: I’m halfway down page five.

CHRIS: Finish it in the car. We have to go to Hangman’s.

NATHAN: That’s all you had to say.

[INT – NIGHT – HANGMAN’S HOUSE OF HORRORS]

(Chris and Nathan conclude their search.)

NATHAN: Well, I’m stumped.

CHRIS: I have one more thought.

(Chris makes a cell phone call. When he is done, he hangs up.)

NATHAN: What did you find out?

CHRIS: That I’m a bastard for calling at 3:30 in the morning, and that she hasn’t seen Miguel since he told her something about George Lucas at about 2:00 in the morning, which she didn’t think anything of since he wakes her up every night before he goes to bed to tell her something about George Lucas.

NATHAN: So what now?

CHRIS: I don’t know. You tell me.

(End Episode Twenty-Six)

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