Saturday, July 9, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Twenty-Seven – Grrrls On Film

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - NIGHT – HANGMAN’S HOUSE OF HORRORS]

NATHAN: Since we can’t find Miguel, and we can’t find Ole Pillowcase Head, I am assuming that they are together, and he is forcing Miguel to overdub whatever.

CHRIS: But PillowPet Head needs us too.

NATHAN: I think we can safely say that we did our due diligence in trying to find him so we are covered. It’s like any software company, if you can show you do due diligence in keeping current with the number of licenses your company uses then legally you should be fine.

CHRIS: For it being the wee hours of the morning, you seem to be very clear headed.

NATHAN: When you started banging on my front door, I knew what was coming, and I popped four “Caffeine-A-Go-Go” pills.

(Chris begins reciting their jingle.)

CHRIS: Who needs sleep when the night creeps? Go go go!

NATHAN: As soon as they wear off, I will be useless, so you had better hurry and figure out what we do.

(Chris turns and stares off into the darkness at the “hall of haunted horrors” while he thinks.)

CHRIS: Well first we need to just think about where Pillow would take Miguel.

(Chris turns around and Nathan is fast asleep, lying spread out on a pile of bones.)

CHRIS: The sleep of the dead.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN]

[INT - DAY - HANGMAN'S HOUSE OF HORRORS]

(Nathan wakes up amid the pile of bones. He slides down onto the floor, scattering the bones everywhere. He is groggy and looks up to see Chris tied up. Ole Pillowcase Head is standing over him.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Did we have a nice rest?

NATHAN: Yeah.

(Nathan looks over at Chris.)

NATHAN: What happened? How could you let him capture you?

CHRIS: The sun came up and zapped my powers of thought. He snuck in and tied me up.

MIGUEL: A hem...

(Nathan looks over to the other side of the room, where Miguel is tied up in front of a laptop.)

MIGUEL: “Logan’s Run 2”?

CHRIS: Sorry, we had to.

NATHAN: I just voted for staying home and mowing, but you know how he is.

(Nathan points a finger towards Chris.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Shut your blithering! Here...

(Ole Pillowcase Head tosses some rope to Nathan.)

OLE PILLOW CASE HEAD: Tie yourself up.

(Nathan makes a feeble attempt to do so.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Now, I will have my ultimate revenge! Start the video!

(Miguel begins recording. Ole Pillowcase Head struts around doing the evil genius thing.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: You still don’t know who I am do you? Well you both should.

(Nathan looks and Chris, and Chris looks at Nathan, and they both shrug at each other.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Let us all go back in time, shall we?

NATHAN: Hallelujah!

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: NOT literally.

NATHAN: Poo.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: It was about a year and a half ago...

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN]

[INT - DAY - NATHAN'S ROOM]

CHRIS: How about we invest the rest of our money with the native peoples of Oklahoma?

NATHAN: You’re talking about gambling!

CHRIS: No no, investing.

(Nathan hesitates then puts his hands up in resignation.)

NATHAN: What do we got to lose?

CHRIS: Our scalps?

NATHAN: Chris!

(Nathan and Chris get ready for their trip to LoseStar Galactic Casino, jamming out to some cool eighties music. They grab all the cash they have left, as well as the last of the Mr. Peepers; that store brand version of a well known drink that rhymes with Dr. Pepper.)

CHRIS: Ready?

(Nathan puts the key in the ignition and turns on his little white wonder with wooden wagon wheels, the nickname of his truck.)

NATHAN: Ready!

CHRIS: Wagons roll!

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[INT – DAY – HANGMAN’S]

CHRIS: Can I interrupt for a minute?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: No.

NATHAN: No.

MIGUEL: No.

CHRIS: Too late. I already did. Listen, Pillbox Hat, I just have to question your execution…

NATHAN: Don’t say execution to the sociopath, Chris!

CHRIS: … the process…

NATHAN: Thank you.

CHRIS: … by which you’re going about your plan. Get to the point already. If you put this long, dragged out retroactive of what happened onto You Tube, you’ll have wasted your time. No one is going to listen past the first thirty seconds, unless you auto-tune it, or have a cute chick on screen with you. So just turn on the camera, tell us who you are, and tell us what the fuck we did to piss you off so bad. And if you’re going to kill us, the blood better start trickling by around 0:25.

NATHAN: You are absolutely no help, Chris.

(Ole Pillowcase Head walks over to Miguel.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Can you auto-tune your voiceover?

MIGUEL: Um, that’s a good question. It would be useful if I could. Start saying something, and I’ll see what happens.

(Ole Pillow…)

CHRIS: Can we just call you OPC, rather than typing out Ole Pillowcase Head every time?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: OPC?

CHRIS: Yeah, you know me. Are you down with it?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Yes, fine. As long as we can get on with our experiment.

(OPC starts to say something about always splitting Aces and 8s, and Nathan has an odd thought that he dismisses as Chris accidentally bites his arm while trying to gnaw at his ropes. Miguel starts overdubbing OPC’s voice by singing.)

OPC (singing): Charlie bit my finger off and ate it for breakfast!

NATHAN: That was awful. Chris, bite me again to distract me.

OPC: Was that auto-tuned?

NATHAN: That was out of tune.

OPC: What was the other suggestion you had?

CHRIS: Killing us?

NATHAN: Chris!

CHRIS: Oh, the one about having a cute chick on screen with you?

OPC: But I know no women.

CHRIS: If I tip Garrett enough, he’ll… actually, you know what? I have the answer to your problem.

OPC: You do?

CHRIS: Yes, but you’ll have to let us go, and meet us back here at 2:30 am.

OPC: You pulled this before.

CHRIS: And we came back, didn’t we?

OPC: Ok.

(OPC walks over to Chris, and starts to untie him.)

OPC: Wait. Swear on your Duran Duran collection that you’ll be back at 2:30 am tonight.

CHRIS: Missed it by that much. Fine. I swear on my Duran Duran collection that we’ll be back at 2:30 am tonight.

(Chris, Miguel, and Nathan walk out the door.)

MIGUEL: That was brilliant! I can’t believe he believed that we’re going to find him a cute chick for his You Tube video.

NATHAN: Don’t get too excited, Miguel. He’s going to do exactly what he said. Why did you say 2:30 am again? Do you really think it’ll be that hard to find a cute chick?

CHRIS: I haven’t really thought that far ahead. There is another Danny Daewoo show tonight, and I can’t miss this one. We can ask around at the show. Maybe someone will be drunk enough that “do you want to help us shoot a video” won’t sound incredibly creepy.

NATHAN: Sounds like a great plan. Miguel and I need to go change into more video producer like clothing. We’ll meet you there.

[EXT – NIGHT – NATHAN’S HOUSE]

(Chris bangs violently on the door.)

CHRIS: Wake up you standing-up jerk!

(Nathan opens the door.)

NATHAN: Why didn’t you use the key I gave you?

CHRIS: I wanted to abruptly wake your ass up, jerk.

NATHAN: Listen, you didn’t tell us where the show was. When we went to look it up, eyestrain overtook us, and we passed out at the computer.

(Miguel walks up.)

MIGUEL: Nathan, the bed is cold without you.

NATHAN: And somehow stumbled from the computer to the bed, where we were simply napping on opposite ends of the bed.

CHRIS: We gotta go. We have a You Tube video to make with OPC.

MIGUEL: You know, while there is an odd cartoon logic to the idea that my voiceover is going to work, I’m not sure that scientifically…

NATHAN: And if he’s just going to kill us anyway…

CHRIS: I don’t think he’s going to kill us.

NATHAN: Then you go, and come back over tomorrow. You can tell us all about whatever he had to say. There is nothing…

MIGUEL: Nathan don’t!

NATHAN: … you can say that will get me to go meet OPC at 2:30 in the morning again.

CHRIS: Danny’s show was at Hungman’s House of Whores. Grrrl 1, Grrrl 2, and Grrrl 3 were working there, and agreed to help us with OPC’s video. And there’s just so little room in the backseat of the car.

NATHAN: I’ll get my stuff.

MIGUEL: The rule, Nathan, is that you never say there is nothing, because then the other character always comes back with something.

[INT – NIGHT – HANGMAN’S]

OPC: You’re late.

CHRIS: I couldn’t get Moe and Curly out of their boob induced stupor for a few minutes after we got here. Now, can we just get on with this?

(OPC starts to tie up Chris, Miguel, and Nathan.)

GRRRL 1: If you want people to watch your video, you should let us tie them up.

OPC: Um. Uh.

GRRRL 2: Which means you should roll camera.

OPC: Oh, right.

GRRRL 3: And it’s going to cost you $500 for us to be in your video.

OPC: Seems reasonable.

GRRRL 3: A piece.

MIGUEL: I like when she said “a piece.”

OPC: Um. Ok.

(OPC opens his bag and pulls out $1,500. A couple of casino chips fall out, which he tucks back in his bag.)

OPC: Ok, let’s get started.

CHRIS: He said as the episode ends.

(End Episode Twenty-Seven)

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