Saturday, July 23, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Twenty-Nine – Please Don’t Choke Anyone

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - DAY – CHRIS’S HOUSE]

(Chris, Nathan, and Miguel are lounging at Chris’s house waiting for the upcoming second part of Ole Pillowcase Head’s torture video.)

NATHAN: I say we just bail. This guy is nothing but trouble, and I doubt we ever even met him before. He’s probably mental.

MIGUEL: That goes without saying. You walk around with a pillowcase on your head all the time and...

CHRIS: I swore.

NATHAN: Let’s just take your collection and hide it.

MIGUEL: Do you realize he is eventually going to hurt you?

NATHAN: Yeah, remember the first time we experienced that? I think he was just warming up. I’ve been tolerant this far simply because I have been between a woman’s boobs more in the last two weeks than ever before in my life, but I am about done with this.

CHRIS: This guy... he has a beef with us, and I think it’s only fair to hear him out. Clear the air, that sort of thing.

NATHAN: I’m not getting hurt again.

CHRIS: Come onnnnn.

NATHAN: Na na na.

CHRIS: You sure are a funny kid Nathan, but I like you.

NATHAN: What happens if I don’t show up?

CHRIS: My collection...

NATHAN: Well, you better make plans ‘cause I ain’t doing it.

MIGUEL: Me either.

CHRIS: Fuck you both. This is Simon and friends we are talking about here.

NATHAN: I understand, and totally agree, that they are important, but this is our health we are talking about.

(Chris walks over to his closet, and swings open the doors; not looking inside, but imploring Nathan and Miguel to look.)

CHRIS: I never wanted to show this to you, but here it is. They are my life, my happiness. I would do nothing to endanger them.

(Inside the closet is a shrine with a full group shot of Duran Duran as its center piece. There is a glossy 8x10 of each band member (even Warren Cuccurullo) with a mostly melted candle in front of each. There are incense in front of the group shot, as well as concert stubs, and various other Duranie memorabilia. The shelves on either side of the shrine (where the music is kept) are totally empty.)

NATHAN: This is a whole new level of weirdness.

MIGUEL: Is this what he is going to take if you break your promise?

(Chris turns to look at his shame (and his precious) and shrieks like a little girl when he sees that his tapes and CDs are all gone. The 1986 Argentinean Burger King Duran Duran Pepsi Collector’s Glass shatters at the sound.)

NATHAN: Quincy would be impressed.

CHRIS: My music!

(Chris crumples to the ground.)

CHRIS: No.

(Nathan and Miguel look at each other uncomfortably.)

CHRIS: No.

MIGUEL: You know I could download their complete discography, in like two minutes flat ,off of Grime-Wire or Nappy-Skank.

NATHAN: Yeah! I could do it to off Toilet-Torrent in a heartbeat. Probably even tracks you don’t have.

CHRIS: But this...

(Chris gestures in his grief to the closet.)

CHRIS: This was MY collection. Each of the tapes and CDs I obtained had a story connected to it. Some were hard-fought, and others were gifts; each precious, each unique.

(Chris bows his head, face covered by his hair.)

MIGUEL: Uhhhhhh.

NATHAN: Ummmmmm.

MIGUEL: Fine. We’ll go.

NATHAN: Yeah.

(Chris stands up instantly, an “all is right with the world” manner.)

CHRIS: Ok.

(End Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[INT – DAY CHRIS’S HOUSE]

(The trio is surveying the damage, and cleaning up a bit before they leave to meet up with Ole Pillowcase Head. They listen to the “Carnival” EP, because luckily, the vinyl collection was kept separately, and was unharmed. It turns out that the house wasn’t really ransacked at they originally believed, but that Chris is just messy.)

NATHAN: Um, Chris. I don’t mean to upset you any more than you already are, but he apparently broke the frame of your 8x10 glossy of Andy Taylor.

CHRIS: Actually, I did that. It was right after he decided to quit the greatest band in all of existence for the second time. Once? Blame it on youthful ignorance. Twice? What an idiot.

MIGUEL: I’m not sure why Chris, but he went through your Net Runner collection and tore up all your copies of Tycho Extension.

NATHAN: Actually, I did that.

(Chris and Miguel look at Nathan disappointedly.)

NATHAN: What? I only did it once. Blame it on youthful ignorance.

[INT – DAY – HANGMAN’S HOUSE OF HORRORS]

(Having straightened up as best they could at Chris’s house, the trio make their way to their visit with Ole Pillowcase Head. They walk in and find him waiting with his Princess camera.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Ah. Here we are. Now today, I would like no more delays. I would like to tell you, and the world, exactly… um, Chris…

(Chris has taken off suddenly, and is running at Ole Pillowcase Head. He grabs him by the pillowcase, and drags him across the room by it.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAAD: What are you…

CHRIS: Shut up! And start going by your initials again.

OPC: What are you doing. You swore on your…

CHRIS: My Duran Duran collection? You bastard!

(Chris starts to tie up the Pillow Breath Bastard.)

CHRIS: You took my cassettes and CDs. We are no longer playing by your rules.

OPC: But I didn’t…

CHRIS: Have you ever seen “24”?

OPC: A couple of times.

CHRIS: Well, consider me Jack Bauer, and consider every limb of your body to be suspected of terrorist activity.

OPC: Miguel. Nathan. Help me.

MIGUEL: Chris, stand aside. Let me deal with him. You’re too emotionally close to the situation.

NATHAN: Well look at you. Did you actually remember to bring your good cop badge?

MIGUEL: Shut it, Nathan.

(Miguel walks up to Pillow Pants, or whatever.)

MIGUEL: Now, unlike my rash friend here, my interrogation methods are more like Darth Vader. I’m patient as long as you’re doing what is expected of you, but if not…

OPC: Who is Darth Vader?

(Miguel stares. For a long time. For a long, long time. For a long, long, long time. He finally blinks.)

MIGUEL: From “Star Wars.”

OPC: I’ve never seen “Star Wars.”

MIGUEL: Go ahead and break his leg.

CHRIS: With pleasure.

(Nathan steps forward.)

NATHAN: Wait! Let me deal with this. Clearly, neither of you can think clearly.

CHRIS: Clearly.

(Nathan approaches OPC.)

OPC: Oh good. Nathan you’ve always been my favourite. From the moment I first saw you, I thought you were likeable, like Norm from “Cheers.”

NATHAN: Chris. Break both of his arms while you’re at it.

OPC: Waaaaait! Listen, just turn on the camera. You can unmask me.

CHRIS: I won’t do it.

MIGUEL: Will you do it for a Scooby Snack?

CHRIS: Where did you get that?

MIGUEL: A nice kid who’s always standing on the corner in my neighbourhood.

CHRIS: You do realize that’s meth, right?

MIGUEL: Um. My avoidance of pop culture has failed me again.

OPC: While I appreciate that you’re not currently trying to physically harm me, I was trying to make an offer. You can unmask me. I’ll explain what my issue with you is. Then you can untie me, let me go, and we’ll just pretend this never happened.

CHRIS: Fine. Let’s get this over with, but part of the deal is that we let you go when my Duran Duran collection is back in the shrine closet.

(Chris pulls the pillowcase off, and…)

CHRIS: Um, maybe I’m just not good with faces, but who are you?

(End Episode Twenty-Nine)

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