Saturday, July 16, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Twenty-Eight – A Few Good Keywords

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - NIGHT - HANGMAN'S HOUSE OF HORRORS]

(Miguel operates the camera while Grrrls 1, 2, and 3 seductively tie up Nathan and Chris. Chris seems amused and Nathan seems paralytic with pleasure.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: So you think this will work?

MIGUEL: Well, it will get people watching, I don’t know if they are going to pay much attention to your tale.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: As long as we can get people watching the video, that’s all that matters. The story and eventual torture will keep people around.

CHRIS: That tickles cutie.

(Grrrl 2 slaps Chris hard with her leather clad glove.)

GRRRL 2: Shut up slave!

MIGUEL (whispering): THAT will get ratings.

NATHAN: Goo goo goo.

(Grrrl 1 just looks at Grrrl 3 and raises her hands in perplexment.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Oh this is good.

MIGUEL: Cut!

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: What?!

MIGUEL: That’s all for now. They are tied up. Thanks ladies.

(The Grrrls leave abruptly. Ole Pillowcase Head splutters as they leave).

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: What in the world is going on?!

MIGUEL: Well we are done with this part.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: I haven’t even spoken one line or caused one ounce of pain to those two idiots!

MIGUEL: Well this is for YouBoob, right?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Yes.

MIGUEL: The website ain’t live. People can’t watch while it happens.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: But...

MIGUEL: You see, I will post this first segment and add all sorts of Keyword tags like: “boobs”, “slaves”, “hot chicks”, “Brittany DillSpears”, “beheading”, “orgasm”, “lucas”, “rape”, “death”, and such.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: But hardly any of those things relate to this.

(Ole Pillowcase Head points to the two tied up captives.)

MIGUEL: Well, no but those Keywords will get people looking at the video.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Aren’t their huge tits enough?!

NATHAN: Gooooooo.

MIGUEL: Well yes, but you always hedge your bets.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Then what?

MIGUEL: We do this again tomorrow night, and THEN you get to tell your boring story. It better be good because the moment the audience don’t see huge tits they might bolt.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Tomorrow!? I have to wor... worry about other evil plans tomorrow night!

MIGUEL: We could do it earlier in the day.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Fine!

(Ole Pillowcase Head turns viciously on Chris and Nathan, pointing an angry finger.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Listen up you two! Be here tomorrow at five thirty!

CHRIS: What again? This constant scheduling is torture enough.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Swear on your Duran Duran collection.

CHRIS: Againnnn?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Yes. It seems to work very well. I have no idea why you are being so responsible on this matter. Most people would just run and hide.

CHRIS: Fine! I swear.

NATHAN: Goo cause like drama and he is usually bored.

MIGUEL: Ah, Nathan has come out of his stupor.

CHRIS: That’s a lie. Well, OK it’s not. Yes, I am bored and drama involving me is interesting.

NATHAN: Remember back at Six Flags when everything stopped being about him and he got really upset?

MIGUEL: Yes, but I am paying huge sums of money to a psychiatrist to forget all that.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: What are you talking about?

NATHAN: When we were having massively crazy, and almost impossible, adventures with Paul, Shag, Dentre, The Professor, and Quincy there was a big “to-do” at Six Flags which landed Miguel in the hospital.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: I had some very specific instructions for (at least some of) those goons and they can’t even... sheesh!

(Ole Pillowcase Head waves a hand dismissively.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Nevermind! Be back tomorrow or it’s “Goodbye... Forever.”

CHRIS: Uh, that was Arcadia again, actually.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Get!!!!

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

NATHAN: Let’s go see Danny Daewoo play at Hungman’s House of Whores.

CHRIS: They played earlier. Miguel here didn’t do very good planning to get us time away where we could do something fun, like… wait, why do you care about metal music all of a sudden.

(Chris remembers that Grrrl 1, Grrrl 2, and Grrrl 3 all work at Hungman’s.)

CHRIS: Oh, nevermind.

NATHAN: Goo.

MIGUEL: We could always go home and go to sleep. It is 4:30 in the morning.

CHRIS: I can’t go to bed so early.

NATHAN: There’s nothing open at this time of night, except Whatacowpatty, and I’ve learned my lesson about going there with you at night.

CHRIS: The casino is open. We could go there, break into the security office, watch the cameras to look for someone counting cards, and then scare them into thinking we’re going to beat them up.

[INT – NIGHT – LOSESTAR CASINO – EMPLOYEE’S LOCKER ROOM]

NATHAN: I want to know at what point in my life I became so weak willed.

CHRIS: Just hurry and change into your floor security outfit.

MIGUEL: This is kind of cool. I look like I’m in a Tarantino movie.

[INT – NIGHT – LOSESTAR CASINO – SECURITY OFFICE]

NATHAN: That guy is definitely counting cards.

CHRIS: Yeah, but he’s still losing. What an idiot.

MIGUEL: Hey guys. You know how you have me reviewing tapes from previous nights to look for people who seem to constantly be winning big?

CHRIS: No. When did this happen?

MIGUEL: When we came in here.

CHRIS: Oh. It wasn’t written. I’m glad you gave that exposition. Did you find something?

MIGUEL: It depends on how you define something.

CHRIS: The same way as the dictionary.

MIGUEL: Oh, well then, I definitely found something. I was looking through this tape that says “Female Locker Room” that is actually the male locker room, and look at this.

CHRIS: It better not be Garrett’s schlong.

MIGUEL: No. It’s the Hangman’s outfit hanging in a locker that wasn’t properly closed.

CHRIS: That’s a towel.

MIGUEL: Are you sure?

CHRIS: No, but I don’t care. Is nobody counting cards tonight?

MIGUEL: Do you ever feel like we’re missing something that the audience figured out long ago?

CHRIS: Everyday of my life. Nathan, you found anything?

(Chris looks. Nathan is asleep.)

CHRIS: Eh, let’s just go to my house.

[INT – SUNRISE – WHATACOWPATTY]

(The three sit around bored, looking at their Cowpatty Chicken Patties Sandwiches.)

MIGUEL: Maybe we should have ordered from the breakfast menu.

[INT – EARLY MORNING – CHRIS’S HOUSE]

MIGUEL: It’s just as boring here.

CHRIS: Why do you think I’m always coming over to your places and going to see shows? We can play some old Commodore 64 games.

MIGUEL: No thanks.

NATHAN: Let’s just lounge around until it’s time to go see Ole Pillowcase Head again.

[INT – RANDOM SOUNDSTAGE]

LOO-KEE: Hi, I’m Loo-kee. You may remember me from such shows as “She-Ra: Princess of Power.” And well, that’s about it.

(Chris steps into the shot.)

CHRIS: Why is the second part of these episodes, lately, just 80s cartoons in review?

GUNG-HO: Because the writer has no original thought.

CHRIS AND LOO-KEE: Gung-Ho!

GUNG-HO: There are two basic forms of comedy writing: good writing and parody. The writer of the second part doesn’t use either of these.

CHRIS: And now I know.

GUNG-HO: And knowing is half the battle.

(A “GI Joe” logo appears, and a brief “GI Joe” jingle is sung. We see the three of them standing there.)

GUNG-HO: Umm. This is really weird.

CHRIS: Oh, we were in the middle of Loo-kee’s end segment. We weren’t done.

GUNG-HO: Oh, sorry brah. My bad.

LOO-KEE: Think nothing of it. Did you find me in today’s episode?

GUNG-HO: Yeah, you were in Whatacowpatty inside their breakfast.

(There is a flashback.)

CHRIS: Eh, let’s just go to my house.

[INT – SUNRISE – WHATACOWPATTY]

(The three sit around bored, looking at their Cowpatty Chicken Patties Sandwiches [where we see Loo-kee].)

[LOO-KEE: Here I am!]

MIGUEL: Maybe we should have ordered from the breakfast menu.

[INT – EARLY MORNING – CHRIS’S HOUSE]

MIGUEL: It’s just as boring here.

(We come back from the flashback.)

CHRIS: And as an added bonus, can you find the Duran Duran song title and the a-ha song title hidden in that scene?

GUNG-HO: No, I don’t listen to that gay British music.

CHRIS: a-ha is from Norway.

GUNG-HO: Really? Now I know.

CHRIS: And knowing is half the battle.

CHORUS: Flash! Ahhhh!

(End Episode Twenty-Eight)

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