Saturday, July 30, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Thirty - The Strange Story of the Blackjack Game

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - DAY - HANGMAN'S HOUSE OF HORRORS]

(Chris, Nathan, and Miguel stand around a tied up Ole Pillowcase Head... who is no longer Ole Pillowcase Head, but some dude none of them know.)

NATHAN: Got me.

MIGUEL: Unless you are Thorogood Marshal, who found a time machine, and is, like, thirty years younger, I've never seen you either.

NATHAN: Thurgood Marshall was a black Associate Justice on the Supreme Court. You of all people should know that. I think you mean George Thorogood.

CHRIS: Really?! All this... mess and you aren’t even someone who we know?

(Chris kicks unknown dude viciously.)

DUDE: You should know me.

NATHAN: Really?

DUDE: Yes...

MIGUEL: I don’t understand half of what’s going on, and I even read the first 26 episode synopsis. How are you related to the professor, Quincy, Paul, and all them?

DUDE: All in good time my dark friend.

(Miguel looks around for Modestor, but sees no one else.)

MIGUEL: Get to ‘splain’in.

CHRIS: Yeah.

NATHAN: Yeah. I’m tired of waiting too. This better be good. I’ve vested a lot of time, pain, and carpal tunnel to this AND you should see the state of my yard... totally neglected.

DUDE: Fine...

(The screen wobbles as the past is shown.)

[INT - DAY - LOSESTAR CASINO ]

(Chris is in the men’s room, in a stall, with wads of cash doing some calculations. Nathan is impatiently waiting outside the stall. A man walks by as Nathan is talking.)

NATHAN: Would you stop playing with it? Don’t you know the germs that live on it, how many people have handled it... and you know it probably has traces of cocaine on it... that’s what Snopes says...

(The man rushes away in Miguel-like homophobia.)

CHRIS: I am counting the batches out so I can keep them separate. There is a precise method I am working at here. Trust me.

(Chris finishes counting out the stacks of forty and twenty dollars, and such, and picks up the rest that were lying on the toilet seat.)

CHRIS: Ok, I have divided up what we won on the “Dead President and Satanic Symbols” slot machine, and the “Alcoholic Leprechaun” slot machine. I think we now have enough to do the real stuff... blackjack.

(Chris and Nathan leave the restroom, and head to the table games.)

NATHAN: Remember the rules and what we talked about.

CHRIS: You don’t have to tell me. I’ve spent hundreds of hours playing on Yahoom!, and I have the game down pat.

(The two sit down at a table and give their cash to the dealer. She is an unbelievably hot chick who winks at Chris.)

CHRIS: Hi cutie.

CUTIE: Breaking one!

(Chris leans back with the loudness of the declaration that she makes. He recovers when he realizes she was calling her pit boss to announce she was making change for Chris’s toilet cash.)

CHRIS: Do you come here often?

CUTIE: Every night.

(Chris grins a cheesy grin, just as an even hotter chick comes up behind Nathan and places a hand on his shoulder.)

WAITRESS: Drinks anyone? Can I get you anything big stuff?

(She runs a long fingernail along Nathan’s chin sending chills up Nathan’s... spine.)

CHRIS: Yes, Dr. Peppers for both of us.

WAITRESS: Right away.

(Two more hot chicks arrive at the table and sit in the seats on either side of them, both ready to play with some big stacks of cash. Nathan leans to Chris.)

NATHAN: I gots a good feeling about tonight.

CHRIS: Let’s just wait and see how the cards are dealt.

(Cutie shuffles and deals out the cards. Chris and Nathan both get Aces on top, and the dealer gets a two.)

NATHAN: Yes!

CHRIS: Wait for it.

(Once the dealer is done they look at their bottom cards, they are both face cards. Both have blackjack and win right off the bat.)

CUTIE: Winners! You fellas are gonna have a good night. I’m known as the luckiest dealer in the casino. My Native American name is Big Boobies Wins a Lot.

NATHAN: That’s a bit sexist isn’t it?

CUTIE: Sexism laws don’t apply to Native Americans on their land.

CHRIS: Hot damn! This IS going to be a good night!

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[INT – LOSESTAR INTERGALACTIC PLANETARY CASINO – DAY, NIGHT, WHO CAN TELL IN A CASINO?]

(We see Chris and Nathan are having an amazing time at the blackjack table with Big Boobies Wins a Lot, aka Cutie, who is the luck… eh, you know what’s going on, which is more than I can say for Chris and Nathan, either in Ole Pillowcase Head’s flashback or out.)

CHRIS: You know what Nathan, I’m going to split these sixes and then double down on both, even though the dealer is showing an eight, and you know why?

NATHAN: Because we’re at the table with the luck… eh, you know what’s going on.

CHRIS: Yep.

(Chris splits the sixes, and comes up with two more sixes, so he splits those sixes too. He then doubles down on all four hands using gobs and gobs of chips that he has accumulated in the hour with Cutie.)

WOMAN NEXT TO CHRIS: Can I kiss you for good luck?

CHRIS: Sure.

(Chris holds out his cheek to be kissed. The woman looks at him funny, then grabs him and tongue kisses him hotly, while running her hands all over his chest. When Chris comes back from French Kissing in the USA Land, his hair is all over the place, as though he just woke up after a 12-hour nap.)

CHRIS: Whatcha got, Cutie.

CUTIE: Just a hint of jealousy, hon. Ever had two women fight over you before?

CHRIS: Um, I’m not sure of anything that may have happened before that kiss.

(Cutie flips over another eight.)

CUTIE: Dealer has 16.

(Cutie flips over a queen.)

CUTIE: Dealer busts…

NATHAN: A nice one at that.

CUTIE: Everyone wins! I’m so happy.

(She jumps up and down a little, and Chris and Nathan’s heads bob along.)

CHRIS: We picked the right night, the right table, the right…

CUTIE: Oh my shift is over.

(Overhead, a fluorescent bulb shatters and sparks, making the table slightly darker. Cutie waves goodbye to everyone. She walks away, and a less than attractive man approaches the table. Neither Chris nor Nathan is aware that in the future they will be listening to this man tell this story.)

NATHAN: Um, should we cut our losses, you know since we are currently winning?

CHRIS: Are you bad to the bone, sir?

(The dealer scowls at them. The scowl makes them both shiver with fear and disgust. Behind them, at a Texas Hold ‘Em table, a unicorn is hit by the evil of the dealer’s scowl, and has a heart attack.)

NATHAN: Um, should we, I’m thinking yes, cut our losses, you know since we are currently winning?

(Chris lifts an ear to the overhead speaker system.)

CHRIS: You hear that?

NATHAN: Um, no.

CHRIS: “The Reflex” by Duran Duran on the overhead speaker. Let’s play.

(Chris places his bet. He turns to the woman beside him, hoping to get another good luck kiss, but finds an old woman in the throes of causing herself a terrible lung cancer with a cigarette with the filter cut off.)

CHRIS: Where did my future ex-wife go?

OLD WOMAN: She used the term “someplace far away from that crazy fucking dealer.”

(Nathan slowly turns his head to see if the woman beside him is gone. He finds an old man causing his own lung cancer with cigars, and lip cancer by chewing tobacco simultaneously.)

NATHAN: Um, should we, I’m thinking yes, fucking definitely and definitively, right now please, Chris, oh please, Chris, cut our losses, you know since we are currently winning?

CHRIS: You know that they won’t slow down the roundabout, Nathan.

NATHAN: I’m not even sure what that means.

BAD TO THE BONE DEALER (BBD): It means place your bets, or let someone who smokes sit down and play.

NATHAN: I might start.

(Nathan places a bet. And the dealer deals to the four people with two healthy lungs between them. Chris comes up with two eights with the dealer showing a six. Nathan has a five and a six. The two smokehouses also have decent cards. Nathan doubles down. Chris splits and then doubles down. The others do their thing, and the dealer pops up two face cards.)

BBD: Dealer busts. Everybody wins. Fuck you all.

NATHAN: Um, I don’t like this guy, Chris.

(Overhead the song changes to something by Gordon Lightfoot. The next hour is pure hell for everybody involved. Chris’s pile of chips dwindles and dwindles. Nathan starts talking about going to the ATM. The smokers go through a pack and a half each. At one point the dealer is showing a four and everyone bets accordingly. The dealer turns up a two, all but ensuring that he will bust, until he pulls up another four and a five.)

CHRIS: Fifteen. This has to bust him.

(The dealer turns up an ace.)

CHRIS: Sixteen anything above a five busts him. A four pushes my twenty. An ace, two, or three and I still win.

(The dealer turns up a five.)

CHRIS: And a five and we all lose. Who the hell are you?

BBD: I am the best dealer here, because I spread bad luck everywhere, and the casino wins. Not that you idiots need bad luck. This long-haired guy is the only one who is playing right anyway.

KING OF SPADES: Are you going to put up with that?

NATHAN: Um, I suppose not.

(Nathan floats above the table and grows battle armor.)

NATHAN: Chris, let’s cut our losses, especially since they’re really losses now.

(Chris forms a protective bubble shield around him. He points at his chips, and they start multiplying.)

BBD/OPC: This isn’t what happened guys.

CHRIS: Why are you bitching at us? You’re the one telling the story.

BBD/OPC: There is something wrong.

MIGUEL: There’s nothing wrong. We happy.

(Chris, Nathan, and BBD/OPC look at the table next to them, and the see Miguel getting a foot massage from Samuel L. Jackson’s character in “Pulp Fiction.”)

MIGUEL: You were right, Chris.

CHRIS: Nathan, your waitress is trying to get your attention.

(Nathan looks expecting a cute woman, but instead finds himself face to face with Quincy in a waitress uniform.)

NATHAN: What the hell is going on?

QUINCY: Motherfucker! Turn the ray up higher. We’re slipping into this weird dream state thing again.

(Chris notices that they’re not even in the casino anymore. It seems to be like any other hideout that they’ve seen since this whole set of events started. He sees one of Quincy’s henchmen adjusting something on a device that has the look of a creation of the professor. Everything shifts back to normal. Samuel L Jackson is gone, Nathan loses his body armor, but Chris is still floating in his bubble.)

CHRIS: They don’t call me Bubbles for nothing.

(Miguel bursts the bubble, and Chris falls to the floor.)

MIGUEL: They don’t call you Bubbles at all.

QUINCY: Put them in lock up.

(The henchmen grab Chris, Miguel, and OPC, and Quincy grabs Nathan.)

NATHAN: Didn’t we just get rid of you?

QUINCY: You always seem to think so.

(They are thrown into a seclusion room that is big enough for a couple of dozen people. There are benches for them to sit on, and on the benches…)

SHAG: Hey, hey, my brothers from other mothers.

DENTRE: Oh good. Maybe you guys can figure out how to get us out of here.

NATHAN: Didn’t we just get rid of you?

SHAG: That weird dream phenomenon is trippy, man.

MIGUEL: Does anyone know what’s causing it?

DENTRE: No idea. We ended up here the last time it happened a few days ago, and that normalcy ray that the professor gave them seems to keep it under control pretty well.

CHRIS: Sounds like we’re going to be here a while. Pillsburycase Head? You want to finish your story since we’re stuck here?

OPC: I guess so.

(End Episode Thirty)

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