Saturday, June 18, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Twenty-Four – Permit to Ill

by the According To Whim .com crew

[NOTE FROM CHRIS: I just want to point out that the font makes it look like "Permit to 3" when it is "Ill." It's a play on the Beastie Boys album "Licence to Ill." Enjoy this episode.]

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - DAY – NATHAN’S HOUSE]

(Nathan walks out of his room, stretching and yawning. Chris is sitting on the couch playing The Hims 3 on his Gaystation 2.)

NATHAN: You still up? What am I saying; of course you are.

CHRIS: Yep.

NATHAN: What are you doing there?

CHRIS: Well, Harry Pitts has just leveled his moustache up and is currently training for the Gaylympics.

(Suddenly there is a loud explosion type sound and the house rocks.)

NATHAN: Wow! What a game!

CHRIS: That wasn’t my game!

NATHAN: What the Clinton was it?!

(The windows go dark and there are some clanging noises outside. Suddenly, men in futuristic uniforms rush from the bedroom and start lining up near the front and back door, weapons drawn.)

CHRIS: What the Bush?!

(Nathan starts towards the kitchen with Chris scooting along side him on his knees. There is another explosion sound.)

NATHAN: Did you hear that?

CHRIS: Burp boop beep.

(Chris has a mouth full of Dr. Pepper and can’t speak clearly.)

NATHAN: They shut down the Dish on Demand, we’re doomed for sure.

(Suddenly, sparks begin to fly around the door frame, and Redneck clones burst in firing their shotguns and shouting.)

REDNECK CLONES: This is private property!

NATHAN: Duh!

(Chris and Nathan go dashing under the dining room table, as the shotgun blasts and laser beams fly. Eventually, the shooting dies down, and the smoke begins to clear.)

CHRIS: Would anyone like to explain that?

NATHAN: It’s weird I was just having a dream about Star Wars and Redneck Rampage.

CHRIS: Your dreams seem to have been manifesting themselves.

(Nathan looks at Chris who hasn’t spoken with that much diction since... since never. Chris has Vulcan ears and a chili bowl hair cut.)

NATHAN: Splock!

SPLOCK: Yes sir.

(Nathan presses the Tar Sreak communications button on his shirt.)

NATHAN: Snotty, two to beam up.

(Nathan and Chris dematerialize from the smoky kitchenette, and reappear at Hangman’s House of Horrors. They are both in front of Ole Pillowcase Head who was busy eating a cheese and mayo sandwich. He seems to be just as surprised as the readers of this story. He drops the bready treat, and lowers the pillowcase back over his mouth.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Well, well, well.

NATHAN: Snotty! Snotty! Come in!

(Nathan taps and taps at his chest, but all that is there is a “Bilbo for President” button.)

(Ole Pillowcase Head picks up a whip that was lying next to his sandwich.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Time for some fun...

(End of Part One)

(End Part Two)

(Oops. I mean, Part Two by Chris McGinty. For a moment there, that was the easiest part to write yet.)

[INT – DAY – HANGMAN’S HOUSE OF HORRORS]

(Ole Pillowcase Head holds a whip in hand, and seems to be ready play According To Whip with Chris and Nathan.)

NATHAN: What is it exactly that you want with us? The people at Hangman’s seem to love us, so I get the idea that you’re defiling their standing in this community as a fun place to get the shit scared out of you.

CHRIS: I don’t know. I’m pretty scared. And he did say we were going to have some fun. Although, I’m more for the idea of him taking us for some sundaes and explaining what the fuck he wants with us.

NATHAN: Mmm. Cool Whip. There was some of that in my dream with Princes Leia, and … I guess that’s probably too much infor…

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: What the hell?

(Chris and Nathan look at Ole Pillowcase Head who is still holding a whip of sorts. It’s a can of Cool Whip.)

CHRIS: You can get high off of that.

NATHAN: I don’t know what’s causing all of this, but I’m thinking we can use it to our advantage. I seem to be able to shape the world for good or bad with my subconsc…

(It’s right at that moment that there is a strange twist in the very fabric of time/space and everything that seemed odd and dreamlike just the moment before is now normal.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: I truly hate both of you.

CHRIS: It’s almost like you just woke up from the half real, half dream that we were living in. It might have been better if we woke up back at your house though.

NATHAN: Answer my question, you false portrayer of hangman horror. What do you want from us?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Just to see you suffer. I want to torture you both.

NATHAN: Well, that’s not very nice of you, especially since we don’t know why.

CHRIS: Seriously, in the information age, it’s torture just to not be able to go online to find out what’s going on. Oh, and I don’t think I saved my game progress on the Hims 3. So as I see it, you need to take us back to Nathan’s house. We can make some bread products, and discuss whatever it is…

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Silence!

CHRIS: Have you noticed that this guy is kind of a dick.

NATHAN: Oh yeah.

(Suddenly, Garrett from the casino walks in. He seems to be holding a weapon of some sort.)

CHRIS: Garrett? What are you doing here, after all the bribe money?

GARRETT: I don’t know. Nathan seemed to be dreaming of running over me with his lawnmower or something. The point is that my co-wor…

(Ole Pillowcase Head clears his throat.)

GARRETT: My cohort here… seems to think that he’s going to inflict bodily harm on me if I don’t help him out.

CHRIS: I’ll pay you to help us.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Garrett, don’t listen to them. What is that glorious weapon you’re holding there?

NATHAN: It’s not a weapon. It’s my video camera. I must have been dreaming about it too.

CHRIS: Don’t you dream about anything useful, like women in bikinis with kegs of Dr. Pepper?

(Ole Pillowcase Head spins the camera around as though he’s examining a machine gun. He reads the inscription on the side.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: The Jedi Conflux… Sounds deadly. What does it do?

NATHAN: About the only harm you could do with that is to humiliate us on You Tube with it.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Excellent idea!

CHRIS: Nathan, you’re not supposed to be giving him excellent ideas.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: We will set up the camera, and I will tell the world what assholes you are.

NATHAN: Oh great. Not the Water Gardens again.

CHRIS: He didn’t say anything about…

NATHAN: I’m so tired of making You Tube videos at the Water Gardens.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Garrett, pull the vehicle around. We’re tying them up and going to the Water Gardens.

[EXT – DAY – WATER GARDENS IN FORT WORTH]

(Nathan and Chris are tied up, and Ole Pillowcase Head and Garrett have set up the camera in front of them.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Now, when I turn on the camera, you will be quiet as I vlog to the world about…

(Chris’s cell phone rings.)

CHRIS: Hey Garrett, I need you to get my phone out of my pocket, and hold it up to my ear.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: He will do nothing of the sort.

CHRIS: Garrett, I paid you $40 one night, and told you that if I was ever unable to answer my phone that I would need you hold it up to my ear.

GARRETT: He’s right.

(Garrett walks over to Chris, pulls his cell phone from his pocket, answers it, and holds it up to Chris’s ear.)

CHRIS: Hello.

MIGUEL (on phone): Hey, up until about an hour ago, I was experiencing this weird situation where my dreams were manifesting themselves into a partial reality. I would have called sooner, but George Lucas just left my house.

CHRIS: How are his foot massages?

MIGUEL (on phone): Oh, they tickle a little bit, but otherwise, it was good.

CHRIS: See you should have dreamed of Samuel L. Jackson. He’s got his technique down. He doesn’t be ticklin’ or nothin’.

MIGUEL: Oh yeah, because Samuel L. Jackson and his character are just alike.

CHRIS: Well, you were dreaming. He could have been like his character…

[EXT – DAY – WATER GARDENS IN FORT WORTH]

(Four hours later. Garrett is still holding the phone up to Chris’s ear.)

CHRIS: I’m just saying that while Tarantino did deserve a good budget or two to make movies that he really wanted to make, I just believe that he was more creative with his scripts when he knew he was going to have to get by on next to nothing.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Ok, enough!

CHRIS: Just let me finish making this point.

OLE PLLOWCASE HEAD: You’ve been saying that for four hours.

CHRIS: I haven’t made my point yet.

GARRETT: Your battery is dying anyway, sir. And my arm has gone numb.

CHRIS: Ok, fine. I’ll call you later Miguel.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Ok, now…

CITY WORKER: You got a permit?

(Ole Pillowcase Head turns to see that a man with a Water Gardens Division button up shirt is standing there.)

CHRIS: Ah Nathan, I see the brilliance of your plan now.

CITY WORKER: You have to have a permit to use a camera for commercial purposes.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: This isn’t commercial. This is revenge.

CITY WORKER: You’re from Hangman’s House of Horrors?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Well, no. I just.

CITY WORKER: I’m going to have to confiscate your camera, sir.

NATHAN: And untie us!

CITY WORKER: He’s not required to have a permit to tie you up and take revenge on you. I’m only concerned about the heinous disregard for the law about commercial camera use in the park.

(The city worker walks off with the camera, leaving our “heroes” in no better position than before.)

NATHAN: Well, that didn’t work out the way I planned it.

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[EXT – DAY – WATER GARDENS IN FORT WORTH]

(Chris and… oh wait. Got confused again.)

(End Episode Twenty-Four)

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