Saturday, June 25, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Twenty-Five – The Promise was also Arcadia, Just Saying

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[EXT – DAY – WATER GARDENS IN FORT WORTH]

(Ole Pillowcase Head has Nathan and Chris tied up at the Fort Worth Water Gardens, but has just had his camera removed by one of the city employees ‘cause you can’t film stuff there.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Well this is just fucking great.

NATHAN: Fuck yeah.

CHRIS: Fucky fuck fuck.

GARRETT: Fuckey fuck fire.

VOICE: What do you think you are doing, son?

(Everyone turns to see Police Officer Dickhead standing behind them.)

DICKHEAD: Do you realize there is an anti-profanity law in this here town, especially at this public location?

NATHAN: Oh hurraaaa! You saw we were in distress, all tied up and stuff, and decided to come help?!

DICKHEAD: No.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Then you came because you saw me in this menacing black mask?

GARRETT: Pillowcase.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Pillowcase?

DICKHEAD: No.

CHRIS: It’s the hair isn’t it?

DICKHEAD: Yep. Where there is long hair, you will ALWAYS find trouble.

NATHAN: Now you see, Chris, if you had a sensible haircut like mine, you wouldn’t have this trouble.

CHRIS: What are you talking about? It’s because of these flowing locks of loveliness that we are saved.

NATHAN: I see your point.

DICKHEAD: Shut it, hippie. Now I am going to have to cite you all for public profanity.

(Officer Dickhead starts writing tickets on this fancy new iMensesPad. He then hands a stylus to each person in turn to sign the citation. This is done with some difficulty by Nathan and Chris.)

DICKHEAD: Watch your mouths next time.

NATHAN: Now that THAT is over, H E L P!!!!!

DICKHEAD: I don’t do kidnapping, that’s a detective’s job. I’ll call one, but there is a backlog of repairs at the motor pool, so it might take some time.

(Officer Dickhead turns and walks off.)

CHRIS: Dickhead.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Now that all that foolishness is done, we will proceed. I need a camera.

CHRIS: You know you can find the cheapest cameras at your local GoodWillis...

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Ah ha! Yes. Garrett, watch them. I’m going to find a new camera. I’ll be back.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

[EXT – DAY – WATER GARDENS IN FORT WORTH]

(The day is nearly gone. Nathan, Chris, and Garrett are still standing, waiting for their nemesis to return. Finally, he arrives, walking in a rather angry way.)

NATHAN (whispering to Chris): Why did you tell him to go find a camera there? Are you TRYING to make him mad?

CHRIS: Yes.

NATHAN: Why? Is it a part of some plan?

CHRIS: No.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: What the fu.... heck did you think you were doing telling me to go find a camera at a GoodWillis? Do you know how many of them I had to visit to find one?!

(Ole Pillowcase Head angrily reaches into the bag and pulls out the camera.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Before you say anything... don't.

(The only camera he could find was a pink, Fisher Price: Princess “Reel Film” camera – circa 1978.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Garrett! Here, hold it!

NATHAN: That’s what she said.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Shut it.

(Garrett takes the camera and briefly examines it.)

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: On me in 5, 4, 3...

GARRETT: Sir...

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: What!?

GARRETT: This camera doesn't have sound.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: WHAT?!

GARRETT: They all don’t. I used to have one...

(Garrett’s voice trails off as he becomes embarrassed. He just stares down at the ground.)

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[EXT – DAY – WATER GARDENS IN FORT WORTH]

CHRIS: Wow.

NATHAN: What?

CHRIS: Nothing. I’m just looking for dead unicorns.

NATHAN: Oh stop. You don’t know for sure that that was what was intended, though I admit that it fits pretty well.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Quit talking amongst yourselves. Tell me. What fits pretty well?

(Chris and Nathan look at each other.)

NATHAN: Five bucks if you can play this one off straight.

(Chris sighs.)

CHRIS: I could use the five bucks.

(Chris clears his throat.)

CHRIS: I was merely thinking that there is a very easy solution to your dilemma, that plays way too well into this otherwise sporadic plot, which is if you capture Miguel, you can have him use his super power to overdub your voice onto your little film project.

(Ole Pillowcase Head considers what Chris has said. Chris looks at Nathan.)

CHRIS: You owe me five bucks.

NATHAN: I’ll give you five hundred buck if you get us out of this predicament.

CHRIS: I’ll have to pass on your offer. You really should have hit me up when I was broke.

OLE PILL…

CHRIS: Can we just call you Ollie? Or maybe Pillhead? Something, so that it’s not so hard to type your name.

OLLIE THE PILLHEAD: Sure. Sounds good to me.

CHRIS: That’s not what I had in mind.

OLLIE THE PILLHEAD: I’ve considered your suggestion, and it is a sound suggestion, but…

CHRIS: But you’re changing your name back?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Fine. Whatever. But… the problem is that I know nothing about this Miguel fellow really. I wouldn’t know how to capture him.

CHRIS: We can capture him. We know him very well.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: How?

CHRIS: I don’t know. It would be complicated to say the least. We’d almost have to do it. He wouldn’t leave his house for you, but he’ll do what we say.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: So then all I have to do is let you go, so that you can capture Miguel. Then of course you’ll bring him right back here to make the You Tube video.

CHRIS: Exactly.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: I don’t believe you.

CHRIS: Exactly. And that’s why I’m going to promise you.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Will you swear on your Duran Duran collection.

CHRIS: What? How did you know… about…?

GARRETT: Because anytime a Duran Duran song comes on the overhead speaker you double dow…

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Garrett!

GARRETT: What! Presumably you’re going to expose yourself during the You Tube video.

CHRIS: That’ll be worth a lot more views.

NATHAN: Damn it. I should have done double or nothing to get my five bucks back.

GARRETT: So what does it matter if I reveal who you are now as opposed to later?

NATHAN: Yeah, enough of this “son of Skywalker” bullshit.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Enough! Chris! Will you swear on your Duran Duran collection? All you have to do is say the word.

CHRIS: That was actually Arcadia.

NATHAN: I so introduced you to that song.

CHRIS: It’s true. I’d never heard it. Anyway, yes. I swear on my Duran Duran collection that we’ll capture Miguel, and you can force him to overdub your voice onto your You Tube video.

(Ole Pillowcase Head unties Chris and Nathan. Chris tells Ole Pillowcase Head to be back at the Water Gardens at 2:30 am. They say their goodbyes and Chris and Nathan walk away.)

NATHAN: That was brilliant! I can’t believe he believed that we’re going to capture Miguel.

CHRIS: We are going to capture Miguel.

NATHAN: Ha ha. Yeah, after I mow my lawn and watch some Red Dwarf, and then spend the next 70 years of my life in peace and non-peril filled quiet.

CHRIS: I swore on my Duran Duran collection. We’re going to capture Miguel, and if I think you’re going to be any trouble, I’ll hog tie you myself and leave you with Ollie.

NATHAN: I don’t like you when you sound all ruthless like that.

CHRIS: My Duran Duran collection, Nathan. We’re taking this seriously. But don’t worry. I’ll have Miguel captured in a matter of minutes. Then we’ll go do something fun until 2:30 am.

(Chris opens his phone and calls Miguel.)

MIGUEL (over phone): Listen, I’m just saying that “From Dusk ‘til Dawn” was better for Tarantino’s writing than Rodriguez’s directing.

CHRIS: Well, you’re wrong, but that’s not important now. Guess what the fuck is happening at 2:30 am.

MIGUEL: Um, I’ll be sleeping soundly with you nowhere near me or my house.

CHRIS: They’re shooting a scene for “Logan’s Run 2” at the Water Gardens.

MIGUEL: I didn’t really like the first…

CHRIS: George Lucas is guest directing the scene.

MIGUEL: I’m listening.

CHRIS: This is incredibly hush, hush. Paul called Nathan and me, and told us. He has so many connections here in Fort Worth that I admit a little jealousy. I guess it was his way of saying no hard feelings for all the crap that’s happened. But you can’t be there any earlier than 2:30 am. Mr. Lucas has decreed that prior to the official casting call for extras that anyone getting near the set is to be shot.

MIGUEL: It might be worth it to get a glimpse of him.

CHRIS: Miguel, Paul has arranged for you to be Extra #1138. Don’t blow it, man. Don’t blow it.

MIGUEL: Ok, ok. I’ll be there at 2:30 am. No sooner. No later.

(Chris hangs up.)

CHRIS: Alright. We have until the bars close, I have five bucks, and Danny Daewoo is playing tonight. We’re going to go see him.

NATHAN: But I…

CHRIS: Mr. Stout don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

NATHAN: Fine. Let’s go see Danny Daewoo. I guess one of your newfandangled heavy metal shows is better than hanging out with Ole Pillowcase Head all night while he tries to figure out what he’s doing.

(End Episode Twenty-Five)

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