Saturday, May 21, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Twenty – iPoos and Twankies

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT – DAY – DAYTONA]

(Nathan and Chris are driving along I-30 towards Fort Worth, Chris dodging piles of broken auto glass strewn about the freeway.)

NATHAN: This is bad...

CHRIS: Yeah, who knows how much damage was caused.

NATHAN: No, I am talking about this story.

CHRIS: Oh.

NATHAN: What smells in here?

(Nathan looks around inside the car. He notices some stains in the back seat, and some equipment.)

NATHAN: Look.

(Nathan pulls a bazooka out from the back seat. Chris’s eyes are wide.)

CHRIS: What the fuck?!

(Nathan puts it back and pulls out a rucksack.)

NATHAN: It looks like one of Quincy’s thugs was waiting in your car for you when the sonic blast scared the crap of him... literally.)

CHRIS: What’s in the backpack?

NATHAN: Rucksack. There are very plain differences between the two...

CHRIS: No, I don’t want a lesson right this moment. What’s in the rucksack?

NATHAN: A map of the park.

(Nathan rummages in the sack some.)

NATHAN: Ooo! A Twanky!

CHRIS: You mean a Twinkie.

NATHAN: Well, if you are going to persist in writing in the generic version of things so we don’t get sued one day, I better do the same.

(Nathan opens the sweet cake and cream desert, and scarfs it down while continuing his rummage.)

NATHAN: There’s an iPoo in here.

CHRIS: I’m afraid to ask.

NATHAN: It’s one of those video slash mp3 players.

CHRIS: Oh.

NATHAN: There are some pretty horrific things on here.

CHRIS: Is it Quincy’s plans at more destruction?

NATHAN: No, it's stuff like the Meaty Cheesy Boys and Sherly Shrew.

CHRIS: No thanks!

NATHAN: Wait, there is a video marked “secret grand master evil plan thank you speech.” Do you think it’s important?

(Chris pushes the cassette mp3 adapter into his tape deck and turns up the volume.)

CHRIS: Play it.

(Nathan begins the video and watches it, while the audio pipes out the rockin’ Daytona’s speakers.)

VOICE: My minions. Soon our grand plan will begin, and I want to personally thank you for your evil efforts.

(Nathan squints at the little screen.)

It’s really dark, and the man speaking is standing in a weirdly colored spinning hallway. There is smoke everywhere. I can’t make out his face. Maybe Quincy?

CHRIS: Doesn’t sound like him.

VOICE: Once my loyal servant Quincy begins his assault on the Metroplex, our quarry will surface again, and we will have them! Ha ha ha ha!

NATHAN: I guess not. Hey, he has a hood on.

CHRIS: Is it white?

NATHAN: No, it’s black.

CHRIS: Well at least we know Miguel isn’t his “quarry.”

VOICE: I have sent Quincy to steal back the modified sound system Will Smif stole out from under us! That is our weapon, not some measly piece of concert hardware. If it weren’t for that front desk clerk in the DJ audio section, we would still have it! That’s what we get for cross training someone from the costume department...

NATHAN: Sounds like he is driveling on now.

CHRIS: Eh, shut it off.

(Nathan throws the iPoo into the back seat, where it lands in the some real poo.)

CHRIS: So this dude is the real mastermind behind all this?

NATHAN: Do you think it was the professor?

CHRIS: I don’t know. He was standing in the video?

NATHAN: Yeah, but that doesn’t prove anything. I can’t follow if the Professor is actually handicapped or not.

CHRIS: Me neither. This story has more characters than a James Clavell novel. What’s more important right now is that we need a plan to protect the According To Whim HQ.

NATHAN: We have the bazooka.

CHRIS: Too subtle.

NATHAN: When do you think Quincy will attack? Do you think he will attack? You seemed to have come to your conclusion of his plan pretty quickly. Maybe there is some other target.

CHRIS: Maybe you’re right. Get the iPoo out of the poo, and let’s finish watching the video. Maybe there is talk of their ultimate target, or goal, or whatever.

(Nathan tries to change the subject in order to avoid dealing with the poo.)

NATHAN: He said in the video that he was looking for some people, not necessarily some place to attack.

CHRIS: Sure, ole pillow case head is looking for some people, but Quincy has a grudge now. We kinda caused him some shit, and he is sure to want some revenge.

NATHAN: By the way, where is Miguel?

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[INT – DAY – DAYTONA]

(Chris and Nathan drive along in Chris’s Daytona. Nathan has just asked Chris where Miguel is.)

CHRIS: Um, Miguel was loaded into an ambulance, and taken to the hospital.

(A flashback starts, but rather than wavy lines, we see a cursor copy/pasting part of the previous episode.)

CHRIS: I mean, how are you getting along with your new partners, Shag and Dentre?

NATHAN: What do you…

CHRIS: Nevermind that now. There’s an ambulance. We need to get Miguel to it.

(They move off toward the ambulance. Nathan’s face is contorted like he has something to say, but he holds his tongue. Finally, with Miguel safely tucked away in the presence of health care providers, Nathan turns on Chris.)

NATHAN: What’s this about my new partners?

(The flashback ends.)

NATHAN: Hmm. I don’t remember that. So what about Quincy?

CHRIS: Well, first of all, I wasn’t the one who jumped quickly to a conclusion.

(A copy/paste flashback occurs.)

CHRIS: I got a call from Skippy. Six Flags was just a means to the end of getting Will Smif’s amplification equipment. Quincy had another target in mind.

NATHAN: The According To Whim Headquarters! The building that houses Takanakakaka has an exterior that is almost entirely windows.

(The flashback ends.)

CHRIS: But with that aside, the implication was that when Skippy called…

NATHAN: Who’s Skippy?

CHRIS: My unicorn friend.

NATHAN: Hmm. Have I met him?

CHRIS: We played horse with him on our smoke break. Listen, the point is that the implication was that when Skippy called, he was not speculating that Quincy was thinking about perhaps, maybe, if he got around to it, attacking HQ, but that he was on the way, which is why we had to hurry to stop him.

NATHAN: Oh. What about the guy on the video?

CHRIS: I thought his acting was pretty good.

NATHAN: No, he’s the lead guy. If we stop him, we stop Quincy.

CHRIS: No, because Quincy is on his way to HQ right now as we speak.

NATHAN: How? He had to go back and get the equipment.

CHRIS: He got the equipment while you were passed out for over an hour.

NATHAN: But I’m sure that if Skippy knows that Quincy is on the way then our board members are probably preparing themselves for Quincy’s attack. We’d be better off going after the lead guy.

CHRIS: We don’t even know where the lead guy is. When we stop Quincy, we can interrogate him and find out where this villain is hiding.

NATHAN: Wasn’t it obvious. He’s at Hangman’s House of Horrors.

CHRIS: How do you figure that?

NATHAN: He’s wearing the Hangman’s mask. He was standing in a weirdly colored spinning hallway, and there was smoke everywhere. Clearly, Hangman’s is his hideout, and from what he was saying about cross training someone from the costume department, he bought the sound system from Magic Etc.

CHRIS: You didn’t even notice that we put Miguel into an ambulance, how did you figure out all of that?

NATHAN: There was a Post-Script after Part One explaining what direction Part One was trying to take the story… Chris! Look out!

(Chris slams on his brakes, but he can’t stop in time, and his Daytona crashes into a unicorn that was crossing the road. Chris and Nathan hurry out of the car, and try to revive the unicorn, but Chris’s CPR training was for use on humans, and Nathan’s HAM training is basically useless without a HAM radio present. The unicorn dies in Chris’s arms, explaining as he fades that he led a good, magical life.)

CHRIS: My car is totaled. Now we’ll never make it in time to stop Quincy. I’ll have to use my super speed, and you’ll have to hitch a ride and catch up with me.

NATHAN: Will do.

(Chris speeds off. Nathan walks to the bus stop. He stands there for a few minutes until the bus pulls up. The door opens.)

BUSDRIVER: Tandy Center, historic Camp Bowie Blvd, and the According To Whim Headquarters.

(Nathan waves him on, and waits for another bus. A second bus pulls up, and because they had trouble finding extra cast that day, it’s the same guy in a different costume.)

BUSDRIVER: Hangman’s House of Horrors and Magic Etc.

(Nathan nods, and gets on the bus.)

[EXT – DAY – BARELY VISIBLE TRAIL OF A HUMAN BEING WITH SUPER SPEED]

(Chris is running along at an incredibly impossible pace, but traffic is pretty good when you can cut across fields. After hardly any time at all, Chris can see the According To Whim HQ up ahead. It glitters in the sun from so many windows that Quincy is preparing to destroy. Chris is sure that he will have no trouble speeding around all the equipment and unplugging it all before Quincy has a chance to turn it…]

CHRIS: Motherfucker!

[Chris’s super speed suddenly diminishes, and he finds himself running at a very normal human pace. Suddenly, the According To Whim HQ seems very far away.]

CHRIS: I am so sick of all of these fucking dampening fields!

“You need to watch your language around the lady,” said the Tin Man.

Chris looks to his right, and notices that he was running about 500 feet from the yellow brick rod. The scarecrow, the tin man, the lion, and Dorothy are standing there. And her little dog too.

“Just because I’m a young girl, doesn’t mean…” Dorothy started to say.

“I was talking about the cowardly lion,” said the tin man.

“Why I oughtta…” the lion tried to say.

“Quiet, queen of the forest,” said the tin man.

“Wait,” said Dorothy, “you’re that security guard. Did you finally get some time off?”

“Yeah, somehow.”

“Well, is there anything else you want or need? You could still come with us to see the wizard,” Dorothy said, casting a glare at the tin man that seemed to be daring him to say something.

“Well, I do need an anti-dampening field device. How far is this wizard from here?”

Dorothy pointed at the According To Whim HQ, and said, “In that building, which is foolishly made mostly of glass.”

“The wizard is in the According To Whim HQ?” Chris asked.

“Yeah.”

“That fucker isn’t even paying rent.”

[EXT – DAY – BUS]

(Nathan steps out of the bus. The door closes behind him. He looks around, a bit confused, and then turns back to the bus that is driving off.)

NATHAN: Come back! This is the Hungman’s House of Whores! Damn it. I knew that public transportation was a waste of my tax dollars.

GRRRL 1: Nathan?

(Nathan turns to see Grrrl 1, Grrrl 2, and Grrrl 3 from The Healing Touché.)

NATHAN: What are you three doing here?

GRRRL 2: We work here now.

GRRRL 3: That bitch, Angelina, fired us, saying that we didn’t have good enough instincts as ruthless hit women.

NATHAN: So now you’re prostituting here at Hungman’s?

GRRRL 2: Prostituting? At a heavy metal bar? Women don’t prostitute at heavy metal bars.

GRRRL 3: The heavy metal bands do.

GRRRL 2: True enough. We’re bartenders.

NATHAN: Well colour me confused.

GRRRL 1: You talk funny when you say colour.

NATHAN: Talk to the writer. Anyway, I’m not really into heavy metal music, and I have to get walking to get across town to try to stop an evil madman, presuming it’s a man.

GRRRL 1: Here, take my boyfriend’s car.

(She holds out a car key. Nathan looks over and sees a brand new Corvette. It is red and sparkles in the sunset.)

NATHAN: You would trust someone who you barely know, and might I mention has been surrounded by some form of destruction or another for the last twenty episodes, with your boyfriend’s brand new car?

GRRRL 1: He’s been claiming that he’ll leave his wife for two years now, and they just announced that they’re renewing their vows next month.

(Nathan takes the key.)

NATHAN: I hope it handles well over 100 miles per hour.

[EXT – SUNSET – ATW HQ]

(After ditching the Wizard of “Ahhhhs!” crew, Chris managed to find a weak spot in the dampening field’s frequency waves. It was enough to get him to the HQ quickly. He looks around. He sees Quincy in the sound booth which has been set up rather quickly. He considers taking advantage of the shoddy handiwork, and collapsing the booth, but it doesn’t seem like it’ll slow Quincy down enough. Chris’s power is now useless this close to the dampening field, so he sneaks quickly into the building. He finds his desk, and opens the drawer that he keeps all his card proxying material in, and grabs a pair of large, sharp scissors.)

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: You got a moment, Chris?

CHRIS: What are you doing in here?

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: We share an office.

CHRIS: Oh. Can it really take just a moment? I’ve got to stop Quincy.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: I’ve been assigned story continuity…

CHRIS: Um, I gotta go.

(Chris makes his way out to the sound equipment, and starts cutting cables.)

QUINCY: I have longed for this moment! I will now destroy the According To Whim HQ. Everyone put in you ear plugs!

(Quincy plugs his ears and throws the switch. Nothing happens. He looks around confused, and sees Chris standing there with nothing but a pair of scissors and a smile. Well, and he’s wearing clothes. Sorry, that sounded wrong.)

CHRIS: I spent the last ten minutes cutting all the cables to the sound equipment. It wouldn’t have taken me so long if it wasn’t for your stupid dampening field.

QUINCY: Why didn’t you just cut the power supply to the dampening field first?

CHRIS: Um…

(Chris’s face turns red from embarrassment.)

QUINCY: Get him!

(Quincy’s henchmen jump Chris, rough him up a little, and tie him up.)

Q-HENCHMAN: That oughtta hold him, boss.

QUINCY: Did you take his scissors?

(Quincy’s henchmen jump Chris again, rough him up a little more, take the scissors from him, and tie him up with new rope.)

[EXT – NIGHT – HANGMAN’S]

(Nathan pulls into (or rather drifts into, like in a “Fast and the Furious” movie) the parking lot. The smell of burned rubber permeates the area as the tires smolder.)

NATHAN: Now that’s driving.

(Nathan waits for a little bit, as the night gets darker and darker.)

NATHAN: Hmmm, I could have sworn those police cars that were trying to pull me over were right behind me. Well, I’ll just nab the bad guy while I wait for them.

(Nathan turns to walk into the haunted house. He has only about a split second to notice how creepy it looks in the dark, dark night, when he gets punched out cold.)

[INT – NGHT – HANGMAN’S]

(Nathan comes to when water is splashed in his face. He is standing on a platform just before a noose.)

NATHAN: Um, this isn’t good.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Ah, Nathan. Thought you could come here on your own and stop me.

(Nathan concentrates on ole pillowcase head, but gets no thoughts from him.)

NATHAN: Motherfucker! I’m sick of these fucking dampening fields!

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Well, it wouldn’t be fair if you could read my thoughts. It would ruin our game.

NATHAN: What game?

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD (pointing to a chalkboard with blank spaces drawn on it): Pick a letter of the alphabet.

NATHAN: Um… E.

OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Nope, that’s your foot.

NATHAN: What?! There’s always an E!

(Ole pillowcase head’s henchman takes a sledgehammer to Nathan’s foot hobbling him. Nathan screams out in pain.)

NATHAN: We’d better meet a healer in this stupid story!

(End Episode Twenty)


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