Saturday, April 23, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Sixteen – A Stoll through the Park on Cold Day, and Other Freakish Occurrences

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - NIGHT - RE/MAX BALLOON]

SHAG: Here, let’s go!

(Shag, Nathan, and Dentre repel down the rope into the Roaring Rapids ride. Being late winter, the ride is empty of water. Shag and Dentre land smoothly as Nathan lands on his ass... hard.)

NATHAN: Ahhhhh!

SHAG: Shut up man!

DENTRE: Quiet! Quincy is quite close and can quickly capture us!

SHAG: Nice one, my main man!

DENTRE: Right on.

(Nathan moans as he rubs his ass vigorously.)

SHAG: This is no time for self gratification.

(Nathan lashes out with a foot, and growls savagely at Shag.)

NATHAN: I’m hurting you idiot. Hey, where’d the balloon go!

DENTRE: It’s on auto-balloon pilot. I can recall it.

(The trio makes their way out of the ride, and crouch in the bushes surrounding the Roaring Rapids sign.)

NATHAN: You think they are up in the oil derrick?

DENTRE: All reports suggest they are. Let’s go, the stairs are over there.

NATHAN: We are going to the top by the stairs?!

SHAG: Of course, you blue bottomed butt bouncer.

NATHAN: Why don’t we knock out a guard, change into their clothes and ride the elevator up?

DENTRE: Where have you been??? Can you think of one time... ONE TIME when this attraction has been fully functional? That elevator has never worked, at least, not since 1981.

NATHAN: You have a point.

(The trio begins their trek up the hundreds of flights of stairs to the top of the three hundred foot oil derrick. The going is very slow, and Nathan isn’t helping things. It takes the better part of an hour and a half to make it to the top. The bottom floor is totally empty. After a short break they make their way to the upper deck.)

NATHAN: Fuck! There’s no one here!

SHAG: Hummm.

DENTRE: Perhaps my information was wrong.

(Nathan moves up to the fenced rail and plops down, enjoying the stiff breeze.)

DENTRE: This is unexpected. I need to make a call.

(Dentre gets on the phone and talks while Nathan enjoys the view in the growing light.)

NATHAN: Have you ever heard that if you drop a penny off a high place like this it can kill whoever it lands on?

SHAG: No... that’s a load of BS.

(Nathan gets a penny out of his pocket, slips it between the fence, and drops it. The wind whips it out of sight).

NATHAN: Oh man.

[EXT - MORNING - SIXFLAGS]

(Miguel staggers onto the back tar roads that criss-cross the park. He is worn out, nasty-dirty and heaving for air. He looks all around, but seems to have lost sight of the balloon. He knew he was hot on their trails until just an hour or so ago. Miguel looks up just as a penny smacks him in the forehead.)

[EXT - MORNING - SIXFLAGS]

DENTRE: Ok, I have spoken with the seller’s hub... that’s our network of agents. They have taken some heat-mapped satellite photos, and are sending them now.

(The others gather around Dentre as he pulls the map up on his phone. On the map there are a several small red blobs spread out, and a small collection of blobs together further into the park.)

DENTRE: Ok. This looks good. Let’s get going. We need to break into Quincy’s lair and take him out.

NATHAN: You mean murder?

SHAG: What else do you think he means? Can’t you read that in his mind?

NATHAN: Just the need to have some explanatory dialogue for the audience. What do we do with them once we... gulp... kill them?

DENTRE: Let’s just say we will arrange a massive foundation pouring project for some new neighborhood this weekend.

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

(At least we hope that the thing about the penny is an urban legend. Poor Miguel. But I’m a narrator. I have to remain impartial. Nathan and Dentre walk through the park. Shag does this odd sashay, boogie oogie, slip slide, cabbage patch, still swaying sort of glide through the park.)

SHAG: Yeah, this is what I’m talking about. It would be better during the summer when all the teenage girls are out.

NATHAN: You like teenage girls!

SHAG: Ewww! No! But I like their moms. That’s what I’m talking about. I like having my run of the MILS.

NATHAN: Do I even want to ask?

DENTRE: Moms I’d Like to Shag.

NATHAN: Oh, of course.

(Suddenly they see something moving out of the corner of their eye. It’s a small boy walking along carrying a balloon.)

SHAG: Crazy, man. There shouldn’t be anyone out here.

NATHAN: Maybe he’s a robot.

(Shag and Dentre look at him strangely.)

NATHAN: Or maybe I’ve been listening to too much German electronic music.

DENTRE: Read his mind. See if he knows anything.

(Nathan concentrates.)

NATHAN: He’s thinking, “I’m lost…”

DENTRE: Well, that’s not helpful. Anything else?

NATHAN: He’s thinking, “Restroom 1 is very clean.”

SHAG: Hey, hey, what’s that over there?

NATHAN: Looks like a lump of flesh lying next to a penny. Probably not important.

SHAG: Hey, hey who is that?

NATHAN: And they say it’s better to come here during the off season.

DENTRE: Watch it guys. That’s Glass John from Mike Timmons Punch Out.

SHAG: Mike Timmons? Don’t you mean Mike Ty…

NATHAN: This is Six Flags. They don’t get the high end entertainers. It’s ok anyway. Glass John was always the easy one to beat.

(Nathan walks up to him, and takes a boxing stance. Every time Glass John tries to punch Nathan, he dodges and punches Glass John in the face. It takes hardly any time at all to knock him out. There is a large outcry of applause and cheering. Nathan is a little taken aback at first, but then starts a weird looking victory strut that he may have gotten from Dana Carvey’s Church Lady routine.)

DENTRE: Nathan! What the hell are you doing?

SHAG: Hey, hey, ha ha. Groovy, man.

DENTRE: Where is that applause coming from? And… is that hip hop, or do my ears deceive me?

(They all stop to listen. There is a rapper busting his not so dope rhymes over the terrible looped beats that sound like they were pulled from a demo version of some DJ software. Nathan is enjoying the hell out of it. They suddenly realize that the song is, “I Think I Can Beat Mike Timmons.”)

SHAG: That’s Will Smif.

DENTRE: Don’t you mean Will Smit…

NATHAN: Again, this is Six Flags. They don’t get the high end entertainers, especially, in the off season. I think Chris said he saw Petra here once.

DENTRE: A Will Smif concert. This is terrible.

SHAG: Will Smif is my dawg, y’all. He wrote my theme song.

DENTRE: I’m not complaining about the quality of the music, Shag. That’s the large cluster of people on the map that we presumed was Quincy and his gang. We’re pretty much back at square one in trying to find him, and thwart his evil plan to…

NATHAN: To what?

DENTRE: I don’t know. To do whatever it is they plan to do.

(face palm)

(End Episode Sixteen)

No comments :

Post a Comment