Saturday, April 30, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Seventeen – Emergency!” DVDs in the Break Room…

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - DAY – SIX FLAGS OVER TEXAS]

NATHAN: Well I don’t know the hell is going on…

SHAG: Welcome to adulthood brotha’.

NATHAN: No, I mean I literally don’t know what’s going on. I mean, it seemed like a fairly regular day, and before 48 hours are up, I have dropped into some sort of freakish nightmare.

DENTRE: It could be puberty.

NATHAN: No, that was an entirely other freakish time in my life.

SHAG: Well that’s dandy, and all, but what about Quincy?

DENTRE: I have an idea.

(Dentre takes out a Twinkie (type) snack cake, and shoves it into Nathan’s mouth.)

DENTRE: I am thinking that if we up Nathan’s sugar input, his mind reading range will increase. Then we can just turn him about until he can hear someone’s thoughts and locate the thugs.

SHAG: You didn’t win “Most Clever Realtor” six years running fo’ nothin’! Gimmie some skin!

(The two slap hands. Shag takes Nathan by the shoulders, and starts turning him slowly in a circle).

DENTRE: Focus. Read the thoughts that are floating out there.

(Nathan chews and focuses on nothing in particular, just the space in front of him.)

NATHAN: There!

(Nathan points off into the park.)

SHAG: What do you hear?

NATHAN: Someone wondering when the big attack is going to finally take place and what the hell is that thing... it’s not Bugs Bunny in a mine shaft.

DENTRE: Wha?

NATHAN: Of course! They are in the old cave ride!

SHAG: Old cave ride?

NATHAN: The Speelunker's Cave! Let’s go!

DENTRE: You sure are gung ho about confronting them all the sudden.

NATHAN: Are you kidding me? I loved the cave ride. I wanna go in there and see what it’s like.

(The three trot off as Miguel wakes up. Miguel sits up only to be poked in the face with the barrel of a rifle as he does so.)

MIGUEL: Ugh.

(Further away, the three are trotting towards the cave ride, and suddenly the power is turned on throughout the park. The water pumps start shooting water in the rapids ride, the speakers through the park start playing music, and lights come on everywhere.)

NATHAN: What's going on?

DENTRE: Well, either Quincy wants to provide his thugs with some fun or the Six Flags people are doing some work on the park for the upcoming season.

SHAG: Well if I were the head of an evil organization, I’d make sure to keep the troops happy.

NATHAN: Here!

(Nathan stops and crouches behind a bush just outside the exit stairs to Yosemite Sam’s Mine Ride – or whatever the fuck they call it, since they tore out the far superior Speelunker’s Cave.)

SHAG: Check it!

(Shag points to a thug guard standing outside with a rifle).

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

Dorothy stayed close to the Scarecrow. The darkness was terrible, and what was that ahead? Construction Equipment.

“Halt, who goes there,” said a voice from the darkness.

“I knew this was a terrible place,” said the cowardly lion.

“Take heart, everyone,” said the Tin Man, “it’s just a security guard.”

“I’m afraid of security guards,” said the lion.

“Don’t worry,” said the security guard, “I have no embellished stories about a tour of duty in some military branch that I was never part of.”

“Oh, well that I can handle,” said the lion.

“You can’t come through here,” said the security guard, “you’ll have to take the yellow brick detour around the site.”

“Ok, we’ll do that. You seem tired,” said Dorothy.

“I don’t have much time off anymore,” said the security guard.

“We’re going to see the Wizard of Oz,” said the scarecrow, “I’m hoping he’ll give me some brains.”

“So you can have intelligent thoughts?” asked the security guard.

“No, because I’m a zombie.”

“Zombies scare me,” said the lion, “but he’s nice enough. I’m hoping the wizard will give me some courage.”

“So that you’re not afraid of zombies?” asked the security guard.

“No, to ask Nala out. She broke up with Simba last week.”

“That’s sick, she’s just a cub.”

“Years have passed. She’s an adult lioness now.”

“Uh huh, and when I get some time off, it’s ok for me to ask Christina Ricci out.”

“She’s a woman now.”

“Have you seen “Casper”? That’s not a woman.”

“Um, ok.”

“Listen, maybe you can come with us to see the Wizard…”

“Oh Dorothy, not again with the come with us routine,” said the Tin Man.

Dorothy runs off crying, “Sometimes you’re such a heartless bastard!”

“Great now you’ve done it,” said the scarecrow, “the only way you’re going to make it up to her is to convince the security guard to go with us.”

The tin man sighs, “Ok, will you go with us, maybe the wizard can grant you a weekend off to go see some concerts or something.”

“I can’t leave my post.”

“We can wait for your shift to end.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m scheduled to deliver pizza, or drive a taxi, or to put out fliers, or something like that. So I don’t have time to waste going to talk to your wizard.”

“You know what? You don’t deserve a day off with that attitude.”

The tin man walks off in a huff.

“Not through the construction site, sir. You have to follow the yellow brick detour.”

The tin man turns back, and flips off the security guard as he takes the detour. The lion and the scarecrow follow.

[INT – DAY – ACCORDING TO WHIM HQ]

(Nathan taps his fingers impatiently. Miguel sits next to him flipping through the pages of a Star Wars fanzine. On either side of the incredibly long table are men and women who are board members of the Takanakakaka Corporation.)

NATHAN: I ask one simple thing…

(Chris walks in twirling a basketball on his finger, which is odd because Chris doesn’t play basketball.)

NATHAN: What the hell do you think you’re doing!?”

(Chris stops, taken aback by his friend’s outburst.)

CHRIS: Well, um… I just walked in twirling a basketball on my finger.

MIGUEL: Which is odd because he doesn’t play…

NATHAN: No one asked you. I’m not even sure why you’re here.

MIGUEL: It’s a writers meeting. I wrote a small scene in Episode Three.

CHRIS: What’s with all these people sitting at the table? Since when did we have board members doubling as a writing staff?

NATHAN: We’ll, since we have no budget restrictions for this thing, so we have board members doubling as a writing staff.

CHRIS: So in concept, I could have a unicorn named Skippy?

NATHAN: In concept, but…

(Chris walks to the window and pushes it open. He looks down to the designated smoking area/horse stables where a unicorn is grazing on chocolate grass.)

CHRIS: Hey Skippy!

(The unicorn gives him a raised chin nod.)

SKIPPY: What’s up, homie?

CHRIS: Nada. Some stupid emergency writers meeting. I have no idea what it’s all about, but I was required to be here.

NATHAN: Can we get on with the emergency meeting in question?

CHRIS: I’ll talk to you in a little bit, Skippy.

(Chris shuts the window, and takes his seat.)

NATHAN: This meeting will come…

CHRIS: Smoke break.

NATHAN: What?

CHRIS: I’m sure everybody is ready for a cigarette after sitting up here for so long.

NATHAN: You don’t even smoke.

CHRIS: I don’t play basketball either.

NATHAN: Fine!

(They all leave and go to the designated smoking area/horse stables. They return fifteen minutes later, Chris twirling the basketball on his finger.)

CHRIS: You know, for a unicorn, Skippy sure is good at playing Horse.

BOARD MEMBER FRED: And Board Member Sally here sure is good at playing House…

(Board Member Sally elbows Board Member Fred.)

BOARD MEMBER FRED: …MD” DVDs in the break room, where we were just having some really good coffee while watching “House MD” on the TV/DVD player that they keep in the break room, where we were…

(Board Member Sally elbows Board Member Fred.)

NATHAN: Right, so Chris. I called this meeting to find out how you got back in touch with your crack supplier.

CHRIS: Greenly?

NATHAN: Metaphorical crack, as in, are you on crack? You had one thing you had to do with your half of the episode, and instead we get some odd lost “Wizard of Oz” sequel?

CHRIS: And your point is?

NATHAN: This is the only thing you had to do.

(Nathan pushes a piece of paper at Chris. Chris looks at the paper. It says, “** Have them chase qunincy back to the rapids ride (which is full and operating)”)

CHRIS: I don’t know who qunincy is.

(Nathan slaps his hand to his face and drags it slowly down tugging at his face skin in a very Three Stooges like manner.)

NATHAN: Why I oughtta!

MIGUEL: Mmm. This is so tasty.

(They look at Miguel. He has a salad that is made up of bamboo shoots and various leaves.)

NATHAN: Why are you here, again?

MIGUEL: Small scene. Episode Three.

NATHAN: How do we fix this issue? How do we get this scene from where I left it off to where I will then pick it up? Yes, Board Member Reginald?

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: I just received a message from the field office that while we’ve been conducting our meeting, Dentre, Shag, and Nathan have, in fact, chased the villain to the rapids ride, which is full and operating.

NATHAN: But I’ve been here.

CHRIS: I’ve totally broken the fourth wall.

(Nathan looks over to see that Chris and Miguel are playing a game of Net Runner, and after breaking four pieces of ICE, all Walls, Chris has now won the game.)

NATHAN: Miguel doesn’t play… oh, nevermind.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: It seems that the scene was so full of action and peril that Nathan’s stunt double has been running in Nathan’s place. We simply need to get the real Nathan over there ASAP.

BOARD MEMBER SALLY: Mmm that’s good.

(Everyone looks at her. She and Board Member Fred look like deer in headlights. It seems to everyone that Board Member Fred’s arm in angled in a way that his hand…)

BOARD MEMBER SALLY: … um, plan. That’s a good plan. Smoke break.

(Board Member Sally and Board Member Fred rush out of the room.)

NATHAN: Do they even smoke?

CHRIS: No, but they don’t play basketball either.

(The door opens. It’s another unicorn.)

NATHAN: Fluffer!

UNICORN: Fluffy.

NATHAN: Fluffy! Sorry, I’m bad with names. What are you doing here, Fluffy?

FLUFFY: I was actually the one that wrote that small scene in Episode Three.

MIGUEL: Lies!

(Everyone looks at Miguel.)

MIGUEL: Ok, fine. I’m out of here!

(Miguel picks up a bamboo shoot, dips it into some Ranch dressing, and chomps on it. He then pulls out a shotgun, levels it on Fluffy, and shoots. Fluffy stumbles back with a look of shock. Miguel then leaves the room.)

BOARD MEMBER HILLARY: What the fuck just happened!

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: Really? I thought it was pretty clearly written.

(Nathan rushes over to Fluffy. Miguel walks back in the room.)

MIGUEL: Forgot my video camera. I’m going to try to find out where Board Member Fred and Board Member Sally went.

CHRIS: I think I’ll go with Miguel.

NATHAN: Fluffy, will you survive.

FLUFFY: No Nathan, I’m afraid this is the end for me. But I came here intending to take you to the scene at Six Flags, and I will get you there.

{EXT – DAY – SIX FLAGS]

(Nathan walks up to Shag and Dentre.)

SHAG: You’re here, groovy man. That’s groovy, man. Where have you been?

NATHAN: That’s a long story.

DENTRE: Why do I hear children crying about a dead unicorn somewhere around that corner?

NATHAN: Same long story. Let’s go get qunincy.

SHAG and DENTRE: Who?

NATHAN: Quincy! Damn it! Let’s go!

DENTRE: I need to contact the balloon to be ready, in case we need to get out of here quickly.

NATHAN: Ok, but hurry, I don’t want to stand here thinking about what I’ve done.

SHAG: Hey, hey, man. What’s wrong?

NATHAN: Well, because I had a plot request for Chris, a unicorn was shot.

(It’s at this point that a unicorn comes walking up to them. It seems dizzy, but intent to speak to Nathan. Nathan recognizes her as Muffy.)

MUFFY: Nathan, we… my unicorn friends and I…

DENTRE: MaryAnn, be ready. We may need you.

NATHAN: You named your balloon MaryAnn?

MUFFY: That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Nathan. I brought Miguel. My friends…

NATHAN: You brought Miguel from the According To Whim HQ? Why didn’t you just bring him to me so he could help us catch Quincy?

(Muffy stumbles, and as she turns, Nathan sees that she is bleeding.)

MUFFY: We were attacked.

DENTRE: Standby, MaryAnn.

MUFFY: I was shot. Miguel was taken hostage.

(Muffy falls to the ground and dies.)

NATHAN: Nooooooooo!

(End Episode Seventeen.)

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