Saturday, April 16, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Fifteen – Spew Ahhhh!

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)

[INT - DAY - RE/MAX BALLOON]

(Nathan leans against the side of the large basket of the Re/Max Balloon watching the freak show that is Century 21 “Super” Agent Shag Carpeting. Nathan wonders how the hell things got to this point when all he originally wanted to do was go get his, Chris’s, and Miguel’s new superpowers registered with the proper authorities.)

NATHAN: So why am I along on all this? I have lost my powers.

SHAG: Not for long mannnnnn!

(Nathan looks interested.)

SHAG: Mind reading is a VERY useful power and it would be really helpful for you to have it again. Got it man?

NATHAN: So how am I going to get them back?

DENTRE: With this...

(After a quick review of Episode Two by the author Dentre holds up two grocery bags loaded with Dr. Peppers, Snickers, and donuts.)

NATHAN: I thought I’d never want to look at another candy bar for the rest of my life, but man does all that look good.

(Dentre hands the bags to Nathan who sits on the floor of the basket, opening junk food, and cramming it in his mouth.)

NATHAN: Ummm, this is good. Nom nom nom.

(Shag looks a little disgusted.)

(Dentre looks a little disgusted too.)

NATHAN: Wait.

SHAG: What is it?

DENTRE: Is something caught?

SHAG: Are you choking?

NATHAN: Wait up!

SHAG: What?!

DENTRE: Is something past its sell by date?

NATHAN: Slow down!

SHAG: What are you going on about, man?

NATHAN: Would you fucking wait up for me?!

(Dentre and Shag look at each other. Nathan looks confused as well. He gets up, spilling his sugary snacks everywhere. Nathan looks over the edge and can’t see anyone below.)

SHAG: Perhaps you have acquired a new power... multiple personalities.

NATHAN: No. That sounded like Miguel. I don’t see him though.

DENTRE: Maybe it’s an enemy agent accidentally revealing himself to us. I’m gonna take us higher.

(Dentre pulls the cord, and the balloon rises higher and higher. Nathan gives up looking. He slumps back down, and starts in on the food again.)

DENTRE: We need a game plan.

SHAG: I say we use the Foundation Inspection weapon system armed with Adjustable Rate machine guns.

DENTRE: What about the Fixed Rate weapon system?

NATHAN: Wait, wait.

SHAG: Look out, he,s gonna start spewing.

NATHAN: No. I mean wait a second with all that weapons talk.

DENTRE: Drastic times call for drastic measures. Do you realize how much commissions drop if a neighborhood decreases just 5% in value?

NATHAN: Shut the hell up.

DENTRE: What... it’s just a fact.

NATHAN: Not you, Shag.

SHAG: I didn't say anything.

NATHAN: Yes you did, you called me a fat ass.

(There was a long pause then Shag puts two and two together).

SHAG: You can read my mind!

DENTRE: We did it.

NATHAN: Burp.

SHAG: Ewww.

(Nathan looks panicked and gets up quickly and leans over the rail.)

DENTRE: Ut oh.

[EXT - DAY - STREET BELOW BALLOON]

(Miguel runs, out of breath, far below the balloon. He has been running under it for a while now. He tried to get their attention earlier with his voice-over power but it didn’t work. He tripped into someone’s backyard compost pile just as Nathan had looked around for him. Miguel has almost caught up to them again. Nathan’s head pops up over the edge of the basket. Miguel stops, breathes in deep, and opens his mouth to yell up, when Nathan spews.)

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

(Oh good, I got here just in time to save the audience from a horrible visual description of what is probably Miguel’s worst nightmare. I mean can you imagine how horrible it would be for someone like Miguel, who is already irrationally phobic of puking, to open his mouth to yell, and then have a flood of sugar-coated vomit land on his face and into his mouth. And worse can you imagine how horrible it would be if he caught a bit of a candy bar that was not fully chewed that slipped into his throat, but didn’t quite go all the way down? Oh, and wouldn’t it be horrible if when he started gagging on the peanut chunk, it ejected from his throat, but instead of coming back out of his mouth the peanut got caught in his nose? Ugh. The only way he’d be able to get it out would be to breathe through his nose, smelling that awful stench, and letting that puke peanut cluster back into his throat. That would be awful. So I’m going to save the audience that description, and just let everybody know that soon after things too disgusting to talk about here, Miguel found a swimming pool, and jumped into it to clean off, not that it helped much. Then he tried to call Nathan on his cell phone only to find that the pool water fried his phone. He then remembered that there was a freer, gayer time (gay as in happy) when a person could spontaneously jump into a pool with all their clothes on, and not have to worry about ruining $1,000 worth of electronic equipment that they carry on their body at all times to keep in touch with people, check into social networking sites from the grocery store, read books while at the dentist office on an electronic screen that has more books than you could ever carry in the biggest backpack, check the weather while outside even though you’re standing outside in the weather, and one day to be able to turn your sprinklers on from your trip in the Bahamas, as one commercial said would one day be possible. And while we’re on the subject of the inconvenience of the convenience of cell phones, let’s discuss how bad it is for the writer. I mean, you have to actually think of stupid ways, like jumping into a swimming pool to wash off snack time vomit, to break your character’s electronic devices so that they can’t simply call the retreating comrade who is floating away in a balloon. I mean his battery was probably dead anyway, because they’ve been at this for awhile, and batteries don’t last forever you know. I wouldn’t be half surprised if the first line that Nathan speaks when we come out of this description is, “Oh no, my cell phone battery seems to be going dead.” I mean, he probably charged it at the shop, but that “Text to Schwarzenegger Voice” app takes up a lot of juice. And even if Dentre and Shag have cell phones with good batteries, I’ll just claim that they can’t get a good signal at Six Flags. Six Flags? You don’t know about what takes place at Six Flags. Oh it’s an incredible story. It has twists and turns, and it even has a giant octopus that will probably get cut out of the final print. Perhaps I should tell you this tale of action, adventure, intrigue, and probably a long wait in line somewhere. But then again, perhaps I should leave that tale to someone else, and simply tell you how things are going with Chris. Or perhaps it would be better to leave that a mystery for the time being. Maybe you would like to know what Paul, the professor, and Maryanne are… right, Angelina, that’s what I meant… are planning right now. Maybe it would be good to check in at the motor pool and see how that six month backlog is coming along. Maybe it would be a good idea… you know what. Let’s just see what’s going on with Nathan, Shag, and Dentre. Whattaya say?)

AUDIENCE: Zzzzz…

(Nathan is staring at the ground from inside the Re/Max balloon. He is having a mental conversation with his stomach to see if it’s safe to sit back down in the balloon. He finally decides that it is all over with, and sits down.)

NATHAN: Oh, it tastes better coming up. Oh no, my cell phone battery seems to be going dead.

DENTRE: It doesn’t matter. Our close proximity to Six Flags is interfering with our signals anyway.

SHAG: Oh no, I was going to turn the sprinklers on to water my pet rocks.

(Nathan rolls his eyes, but the excessive movement makes his stomach start threatening more, so he stops.)

DENTRE: Oh wait, I was holding my phone upside down.

(Consequences be damned. Nathan rolls his eyes. His stomach maintains.)

NATHAN: Why are we at Six Flags? It’s in the middle of the winter. No one is going to be here. Oh wait; there won’t be any long waits in line.

DENTRE: We have intelligence reports that Quincy the Glassbreakers’s crew of bad doers may be using the closed down park as a hideout.

NATHAN: Bad doers?

DENTRE: I’m a real estate agent, not a novel writer.

(Meanwhile, Quincy the Glassbreaker and his “bad doers” are meeting to discuss the situation at hand. Mugsy the Coffeemugbreaker speaks up.)

MUGSY: See, this is how it is, see? Our sentry at the north end of the park spotted a Re/Max balloon approaching the park, see?

(Loony Goon the Sentrybreaker speaks up.)

LOONY: I hate people who stand watch. Let me at him. I’ll muss him up something bad.

QUINCY: It’s ok, Loony. He’s doing his job. I promise that if any guards fall asleep or get snuck past by our foes because they’re too busy writing a blog on the job, I’ll let you muss them up something bad.

(Loony agrees sullenly. It’s at this moment that one of Quincy’s henchmen ushers in a group of boxers.)

QUINCY: Ah, my secret edge. Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you the fighters from Mike Timmon’s Punch Out.

(Lacey the Heartbreaker speaks up over the sobs and pleas of her recent boyfriend.)

LACEY: Mike Timmons? Don’t you mean Mike Ty…

QUINCY: We’re small time criminals, Lacey. We get the knock offs. And what have I told you about bringing boyfriends to work?

LACEY: He’s my ex. He won’t stop following me.

LOONY: Was he ever a security guard, or other form of sentry?

LACEY: Yeah, he’s kind of a loser like that.

(Off screen we hear a brutal beating, and some whiny emo kid saying to Lacey something about this beating not hurting as much as losing her. Meanwhile, the henchman introduces the boxers to Quincy. He starts by introducing Glass John, who Quincy immediately punches out.)

QUINCY: That wasn’t as satisfying as it should have been.

(End Episode Fifteen)

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