Saturday, March 12, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Ten – Psychic… Powerless… Another Man’s Sack of Fast Food

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout )

[INT - SHOP - NIGHT]

(The whole gang is sitting at the back of the shop – of which the building belongs to Paul Tygers, the construction work is that of Chris, and the Sole Proprietorship is that of Nathan. On the front of the building, the poorly made banner says: “Anime Renegade.”)

CHRIS: Didn’t this sort of business fail on you the first time?

NATHAN: Ah yes, but now I have switched the words around in the name of the business, so it is bound to do so much better.

ANGELINA: I have plastered posters of nerd-dom on the front windows so no one can see in. I will also place this ice chest in front of the door so no one can come in until we get a peep of them through this hole I cut in this poster.

MIGUEL: She’s thorough.

PAUL: Well, she IS the best.

(Angelina walks out the front door.)

ANGELINA: I have to check in, I’ll be back.

CHRIS: I thought she worked for you?

PAUL: Well, she does sort of. I pay her employer for her time.

MIGUEL: Really? And who is her employer... the government?

(In the distance, the chime on the front door of the shop five doors down can be heard. It is the Rick Springfield song “(We All Need) The Human Touch.”)

CHRIS: Really...?

(Paul just raises his hands.)

PAUL: The Healing Touché is a cover for a band of ruthless hit-women and mercenaries.

(Nathan just stares into the distance, lost in his dirty thoughts.)

MIGUEL: I just thought it was a bone shop.

PAUL: Nah, just a rumor.

CHRIS: Come on, back to this.

(Chris points back at the table where a selection of Magic: The Gathering cards are laid out.)

PAUL: Ugh.

[INT - SHOP - NIGHT]

(Nathan is building Magic: The Gathering auctions for EBay, while Chris continues to teach Paul the game, and Miguel is sleeping in a pool of his own drool on the front counter. Rick Springfield notifies everyone of Angelina’s impending arrival.)

ANGELINA: I'm back.

CHRIS: Where have you been, plotting to overthrow some government?

ANGELINA: No, fucking a client.

(Paul’s head snaps around so quick everyone can hear it.)

PAUL: Wha?

ANGELINA: A girl’s gotta make rent somewhere.

MIGUEL: Excuse me.

(Miguel leaves to the little bathroom in the back of the shop).

PAUL: So all this time I could have been getting some?

ANGELINA: No, I don’t do special job clients.

(The air rushes out of Paul’s disappointed face).

NATHAN: So...

(Nathan stares at Angelina for a moment then blushes furiously.)

NATHAN: Hurry up.

MIGUEL: Hang on.

(There is a flush and Miguel emerges.)

CHRIS: Did you wash your hands?

MIGUEL: No, I don't touch my wenis when I piss... or whatever I do in there. I can’t anyway, there’s no soap.

(Everyone looks at Paul.)

PAUL: It's not my fault!

NATHAN: Miguel, you are HUGE liar.

MIGUEL: Stop reading my mind!

NATHAN: I wasn’t. I just knew that was a big lie. No one can avoid handling their junk while pissing... or whatever.

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty

[INT – SHOP – NIGHT]

(Chris is digging through plastic tubs that Nathan uses to store unsold toys and models. He reads off a description of each item he pulls out, and Nathan types up EBay auctions for each item.)

CHRIS: Scotland Yard board game.

(Nathan types.)

CHRIS: Let me know when you’ve posted it.

NATHAN: Done.

CHRIS: How is it doing?

NATHAN: It’s already been bid up to $16.33.

(Chris rummages through the tubs. He notices that Paul is still sitting in the same place he’s been for the last half hour, and is still staring somewhat fixedly at Angelina. Angelina, meanwhile, is installing a security alarm by the door. She said something about breaking the glass and turning the lock, but neither Chris nor Nathan could understand what she meant. Chris pulls something else from the tub.)

CHRIS: Net Runner Corp Starter box with a torn up Tycho Extension card.

(Nathan types.)

CHRIS: Let me know when you’ve posted it.

NATHAN: Done.

CHRIS: How is it doing?

NATHAN: It’s already been bid up to $45.78.

(Miguel reaches into one of the tubs. He pulls out a Tron Light Cycle model.)

MIGUEL: Wow! This is awesome!

NATHAN: You really think so? We’ve been trying to sell that for years. We just can’t seem to get rid of it.

MIGUEL: That’s crazy, cos I totally want it.

NATHAN: Really, let me check… yeah we can sell it to you. It’s been re-listed 885 times and has never had a single bid. Do you have $50?

MIGUEL: Hell yeah. Oh wait, I don’t see where the Tron figure is supposed to go inside.

NATHAN: It’s a model.

MIGUEL: So no ripcord to make it roll along the ground?

NATHAN: No.

(Miguel drops the Light Cycle back in the plastic tub, and walks away wordlessly.)

NATHAN: We’ll never get rid of that thing.

PAUL: Ok, I’ve had enough of this.

(Everyone looks at Paul as though they didn’t even realize he was still sitting there.)

CHRIS: Enough of what?

PAUL: This.

CHRIS: Um… Paul, why don’t we give you something to do? Why don’t you run up to Taco Hell and get us all some nummies to eat?

(Paul stands and walks out the door saying something incoherent and/or surly.)

CHRIS: Miguel, can you go make sure he gets us food?

(Miguel follows Paul out of the door. Angelina looks up from her work on the security alarm. She makes some sort of excuse about something incoherent and leaves. A moment later, they hear Rick Springfield blaring from the speakers at the Healing Touché.)

CHRIS: Finally, we’re alone.

NATHAN: Oh not that again. I told you my heart belongs to Miguel.

CHRIS: No, no. I think that something is incredibly wrong.

NATHAN: We’ve been over this. I’m not going to lower the price on that Light Cycle.

CHRIS: Again, you misunderstand me.

(Chris starts to examine the security alarm that Angelina has installed.)

CHRIS: Nathan, how long have you not been reading minds?

NATHAN: What? Why would you think something like that?

CHRIS: Because you’ve been very slow on the uptake on things that you should just know by reading people’s minds.

NATHAN: Like what?

CHRIS: Like not hearing me think that you’ve been very slow on the uptake on things that you should just know by reading people’s minds.

NATHAN: You’re right, as much as I hate to say those words to you. I haven’t been able to read Angelina’s mind… or Paul’s mind. But wait, I read Miguel’s mind earlier when he said he didn’t wash his hands.

CHRIS: No, you actually said you didn’t read his mind.

NATHAN: Well, because I don’t actually read Miguel’s mind. I can just detect when he lying.

CHRIS: Do you remember actually detecting a lie?

NATHAN: No.

CHRIS: You reasoned it out?

NATHAN: Yeah, I think so.

CHRIS: What about the helipad? Did you actually read my mind to know that I was trying to play Othello?

NATHAN: Well yes… well no. You know, we’ve been playing strategy games for so long that I’ve picked up on some of your tells.

CHRIS: I don’t have tells.

NATHAN: Yeah, you do. That’s why after awhile I start beating you at every strategy game we play, especially those with bluffing. I never read your mind on the helipad. I recognized your Othello tell. It’s how I always know you’re about to place a piece in the corner spot, and keep me from winning. But if Angelina and Paul were using a dampening field, you and Miguel wouldn’t be able to use your powers, and you have.

CHRIS: And if Angelina and Paul had powers that simply kept you from reading their minds, you would still be able to read mine.

(Just then the door opens. It’s Angelina. She’s carrying a bag of food.)

ANGELINA: I just saw them pull up, so I came back down to help them carry food in. Let’s eat.

(Angelina smiles, but both Chris and Nathan sense something devious behind the smile. Miguel and Paul enter carrying more food.)

MIGUEL: Paul and I talked while we were out, and he’s only feeling semi-psychotic now.

NATHAN: Well, I don’t know about anyone else… literally, Chris… but I’m starved. Let’s eat.

CHRIS: Too bad you don’t have your Black Adder collection.

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