Saturday, March 5, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Nine – Setting Up Shop

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout )

[EXT - SAFE HOUSE - NIGHT]

(Chris is standing in the midst of g-men, when the professor rolls up.)

PROFESSOR: Now enough of this nonsense. Would you please come with me?

CHRIS: Whatever.

(Chris is hustled into the all familiar van, and the professor is rolled in.)

PROFESSOR: Turn on the dampening field.

AGENT 2: Yes sir.

(Agent 2 flips a switch.)

PROFESSOR: Now...

CHRIS: Not yet.

(Chris waits in silence for a moment.)

CHRIS: I'm waiting.

(There is a rustling of sound and then a beat as Duran Duran starts up.)

CHRIS: I see you guys learned your lesson.

PROFESSOR: May I proceed?

CHRIS: Yes, go ahead. I’d like to actually know what people want with me. We have been going around and around and STILL no one knows what the fuck all you people want with me.

PROFESSOR: Well, we...

CHRIS: Wait.

PROFESSOR: What?

CHRIS: I am just wondering if it should be revealed now, or maybe I should be left in the dark longer. Ten, eleven, twelve...

(Chris continues to count until all anyone can hear is him mumbling. He is counting on his fingers as well.)

CHRIS: I'm just counting out the weeks left in the year. Yeah, I guess we can do this. Ok, what do you want me for?

PROFESSOR: First off, your friend, Mr. Tygers, is not your friend...

(There is a sudden loud crash on the top of the van. Sparks fly inside around the perimeter and the roof suddenly flies away.)

PROFESSOR: Christ!

(Angelina soars down into the van and kicks the professor’s wheelchair. The back doors of the van pop open. The ramp and the professor slide out. The ramp extends down to the road, and the professor rolls off doing sixty on the freeway.)

ANGELINA: Shut up if you want to live.

(Chris begins to open his mouth to protest that he wasn't going to say anything anyway since what he just witnessed was about the coolest thing he’d seen since the helipad incident. Angelina drops coiled rope around him to his waist. Agent 2 stares in disbelief at what just happened.)

AGENT: That is the coolest thing I’ve seen since a little while ago. You should be in movies!

(Angelina punches Agent 2 in the face, and he is out like a light. The driver wisely continues driving, acting as if nothing has happened. Angelina tugs on Chris’s rope.)

CHRIS: I think you broke his...

(Chris doesn’t get to finish what he was saying, because he is yanked, bodily, out of the open van roof into the darkness.)

NATHAN: THAT was the coolest thing I have seen all day!

(Nathan was tugging Chris into the balloon’s basket.)

CHRIS: What about the helipad?

NATHAN: My eyes were closed for most of that.

(Angelina climbs into the basket.)

PAUL: Let’s get out of here.

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[EXT – NIGHT – RE/MAX BALLOON]

NATHAN: I wish we could say that we’ve seen the last of him, but I get this feeling we haven’t.

CHRIS: Paul, I don’t know what to make of this, but the professor said, and I quote, “First off, your friend, Mr. Tygers, is not your friend...”

PAUL: Well…

CHRIS: “Christ!”

PAUL: What!

CHRIS: I was quoting. He said all that and then he yelled out as the roof was torn off the van. So what about that, Paul? Hmmm?

PAUL: Well… he did say your friend, Mr. Tygers, didn’t he?

CHRIS: Yeah.

PAUL: So he contradicted himself. That invalidates his statement.

CHRIS: That is so true.

MIGUEL: If contradictions invalidate, then this whole story is invalid.

CHRIS: So is the professor!

NATHAN: Ouch.

(Chris and Nathan laugh and pat each other on the back, congratulating each other on their need for sensitivity training… still.)

MIGUEL: I was trying to make a serious point about our “friend” here.

CHRIS: I’m sure you were. So Paul, our good friend, what do we do now?

PAUL: We need to get reorganized, and decide how to deal with the ongoing threat of the professor and the government.

ANGELINA: But Paul, our love nest… I mean, our safe house was demolished when the helipad collapsed.

DUDLEY: I have…

(Dentre.)

DENTRE: I have a building where The Munchie Shak used to be. I’d be happy to sell it to you Paul.

PAUL: You’d be happy with your 6%!

(Dentre and Paul laugh and pat each other on the back, congratulating each other on their wealth.)

ANGELINA: Isn’t Paul so cute when he makes real estate jokes?

(Chris makes like he’s sticking his finger down his throat to induce vomiting. He accidentally trips his gag reflex.)

CHRIS: Hack! Hack! Hack! Ugh. I’m suddenly glad I didn’t eat any of that freeze dried stuff.

[EXT – DAY – 6585 DENTRE]

(A few days have passed.)

NATHAN: Really? Cos in my experience real estate sales never go so smoothly.

(They’re looking at long strip of a building that holds many sections that could be rented out as retail shops.)

PAUL: We’ll set this corner space up as our base of operations. It will probably take us at least a month to get it fully set up and ready to pass inspection by the city.

(We watch as sped up time-lapse footage shows the corner shop go from run down mess to a fully functional base of operations for this…)

NATHAN: Wait, this isn’t sped up footage.

MIGUEL: How can you tell?

NATHAN: Well first of all, if it was sped up footage then there would be a fantastic song playing over it, probably something by Madness, and we wouldn’t be standing here watching it while not moving. And second, Chris isn’t standing here.

(Just as the final touches go onto the base of operations, Chris comes to a skidding halt in front of them.)

CHRIS: Paul, can I use your cell phone. Thank you. Miguel, I’m calling the inspector, and they’ll wish to speak to Paul.

MIGUEL: Oh, ok.

(Chris hits speakerphone. It rings and rings. Finally…)

OPERATOR: City Inspector’s office.

CHRIS (voiced over with Paul’s voice): Yeah, Paul Tygers here. I need an inspector to permit our base of operations at 6585 Dentre.

OPERATOR: I’m sorry, Mr. Tygers. There is a problem with the motor pool. The vehicle repairs are six months backlogged. But we are allowing provisional permits until an inspector can get out there.

CHRIS: Thank you.

(Chris hangs up and turns to his cohorts.)

CHRIS: Isn’t Miguel’s penis beautiful?

(Chris looks momentarily in shock.)

CHRIS: You can stop overdubbing me now.

NATHAN: I have to admit this place looks fantastic. But I hate to think of all the stores that you stole from to get all this nice stuff.

CHRIS: Stole? Oh. Hey Paul. Here’s your credit card back.

(End Episode Nine.)

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