Saturday, February 19, 2011

Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Seven – Seven and the Ragged…

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout )

[EXT - CAB - DAY]

(Miguel and Nathan sit in the back of a “Tidy Cab’ on the way to the CD shop where Chris and his entourage of G-men/kidnappers were last seen.)

NATHAN: What is this?

(Nathan whines out his question while trying to occupy the smallest place possible on the seat.)

MIGUEL: Try not to think about it.

(Miguel absently places his hand on the back of the front seat, and then jerks it away when he feels something stick to it.)

MIGUEL: Ewwww.

(The cab comes to a stop and Nathan’s window rolls down.)

LAWYER: Mr. Stout this is a cease and desist letter from the National Organization of Taxi Cab Drivers for the gross misrepresentation and stereotyping of taxi cabs.

(Nathan takes the paper and shoves it in his pocket. The cab drives on.)

NATHAN: I wonder what we are going to find when we get to this CD shop.

MIGUEL: I don’t know. I've haven’t bothered to write enough to know what a plot hole looks like.

NATHAN: Well, I should since I can’t write for crap and all I do is write plot holes, but I am still puzzled.

(The cab pulls up to shop. It looks somewhat normal. They both get out. Nathan pays the driver, who spits in his general direction and tears out.)

MIGUEL: Look!

(The shop looks fine, but when Miguel opens the door, it appears to be full of water. Objects seem to be floating in some sort of hazy mixture.)

NATHAN: I have seen this! Yep, this place is caught in a plot hole.

MIGUEL: I was expecting more of a hole. I was hoping to see a hole of some sort.

NATHAN: Well you would, wouldn’t you?

(A black van screeches into the lot. A hot chick in a leather jumpsuit gets out of the passenger side with some sort of grappling hook gun device. She shoves past Miguel and Nathan, and stands in the doorway.)

WOMAN: Out of my way fanboys.

(She aims and shoots the gun at Chris. The hook end grabs him, and she yanks him out of the soupy mess of plot hole time.)

CHRIS: Wha?

WOMAN: If you want to live, then you better come with me.

CHRIS: Let me think about thisok.

(Chris answered so quickly after seeing the hot chick that he didn't even have time to properly finish his sentence.)

WOMAN: Come on.

(Chris sees the astonished Nathan and Miguel for the first time.)

CHRIS: Hey! Nice to see you, but I have to go.

NATHAN: Can we go too? Pleeeeasssse.

WOMAN: No. Not in a million years, pimple boy.

CHRIS: You have to take them too, or I won't come with you in a million years.

(Chris looks surprised to have said this.)

WOMAN: Fine. If you must.

(Chris realizes that he didn’t actually say it, and glares at Miguel. They all get in the van, and it tears out, much in the same way the cab did.)

CHRIS: Now this is a van I could get raped in. Much nicer indeed.

WOMAN: What?

CHRIS: I didn’t really want to bring them along, but I guess they will just have to watch while you ravish me.

(Miguel and Nathan start hopping up in down in their seats in excitement.

WOMAN: Not in a million years.

CHRIS: Come on... it’ll be greeeeeaaaat. I’ll fight back a little if you want.

WOMAN: Shut up and listen. We have to get you to a safe house before the feds pick up our tail.

(Nathan turns and giggles to Miguel. The woman snaps her head at Nathan.)

WOMAN: I’d just assume to put a bullet in both of your heads rather than deal with you.

(Nathan whispers at Miguel in fear.)

NATHAN: Now I know how Tidy Cabs get they way they do.

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)

[EXT – DRIVEWAY SAFE HOUSE – DAY]

(The hot chick, as one clearly politically incorrect/in need of sensitivity training writer put it, gets out of the van. The driver, who has said nothing up to this point, says nothing and stays in the van.)

MIGUEL: Where does he pee?

(Chris and Nathan shrug, and egress from the van, tripping over a Thesaurus on the way out. When Miguel gets out he looks toward the house, and gets a look of excitement and amusement.)

MIGUEL: No way!

NATHAN (looking at the house): Oh dear lord!

(Chris looks to see that the house is shaped like the kind of safe that you would keep your money in. The door has a large combination dial that the hot chick seems to be opening. There is a large mechanical hand extending from the house that is shielding the combination from view.)

CHRIS: Hmm. Go figure.

NATHAN: I’m not sure we should go in there. I presumed that the house was safe, but now I see that the house might not be safe at all, but rather a safe.

MIGUEL: Oh look, Nathan has a new power; stating the obvious.

CHRIS: Guys stop. I’ll handle this.

(Chris walks over to the hot chick who is opening the front door.)

CHRIS: Ok, listen up, Lara Croft – Miss Salt if you’re nasty. My friends and I want answers, and we’re not going into there until you give them to us.

WOMAN: Listen, Sawyer. Drop the nicknames and get in the house.

CHRIS (to Nathan and Miguel): Sorry guys. She one-upped me. We have to go in.

(They all go into the house, except the driver who opens his door and discretely disposes of his catheter bag.)

[INT – SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT]

(Our three presumed heroes are sitting at a dinner table. They have been waiting for the cook to finish dinner for the last hour. Their presumed international super-spy hostess has refused to answer any questions the whole time. Finally, the cook comes out of the kitchen with a tray held high. Chris, Miguel, and Nathan all look expectantly to see what delicious meal they are about to receive. The cook places five Army freeze dried rations on the table, one before each of the four people, and one before an empty seat.)

MIGUEL: This isn’t food. This is chicken flavored Tang.

NATHAN: Ooh, I love these. If anybody gets full, pass your leftovers my way.

CHRIS: I thought the cook would at least have been cooking in there. Can we get some answers now?

WOMAN: What would you like to know?

CHRIS: Where did I misplace the key to my storage shed where I keep my Duran Duran collection?

WOMAN: You dropped it outside of the roller rink three weeks ago, and a dog ate it thinking it was a hamburger.

CHRIS: Wow! I didn’t think you would actually know.

(Nathan rolls his eyes and waits for it.)

CHRIS: I haven’t been outside of a roller rink since I delivered a pizza to one, and that was years ago. Are you just making shit up?

(Chris tries to eat a little bit of his freeze dried delicacy. After just a small taste, he passes the rest of it to Nathan. He notices that Miguel’s is already in front of Nathan too.)

CHRIS: Who are you?

WOMAN: My name is Angelina.

CHRIS: I knew it!

WOMAN: Angelina Ricci.

MIGUEL: Wait a minute. I know about you. You have a very important tie to my friends here.

CHRIS: Miguel, please. I’m getting to the bottom of things.

MIGUEL: There is a marked difference between getting to the bottom, and being an ass.

CHRIS: What are we doing here?

ANGELINA: Eating dinner.

CHRIS: And after dinner?

(Nathan rolls his eyes knowing that there was some sort of obscure, as well as paraphrased, reference there somewhere.)

ANGELINA: Our boss, who will join us soon, will sit you down to a slide show and give you information about the situation. He will answer many questions. Then we’ll all go to bed…

CHRIS: Together?

ANGELINA: The three of you can knock yourself out, but I have my own room.

MIGUEL: I know who this woman works for, Chris. I’ve seen her name in the “in care of” section on mail I’ve delivered.

CHRIS: Miguel, if you would stop your yapping, I might be able to get to the bottom of this.

MIGUEL: I’m also pretty sure I know where The Jonas Brothers live.

CHRIS: So we’ll have answers questioned… whatever you said, and then we’ll go to bed. What happens in the morning? Do we just hang out here for the rest of our lives, or do we have some sort of purpose to play in this seemingly intimate drama?

ANGELINA: Intricate?

CHRIS: Yeah, whatever, inclement drama.

ANGELINA: Why don’t you ask our boss?

(The door opens behind Chris. A man walks in and Nathan drops his plastic fork in awe. Miguel just looks smug. Chris turns to face the man.)

CHRIS and NATHAN: Paul Tygers!

(The man is Paul Tygers… in case you missed the dialogue cue.)

CHRIS (to Angelina): Nathan and I go way back with Paul Tygers, though for the life of me, I can’t really remember how.

PAUL: You owe me about two to three thousand dollars.

(Chris pulls out a wad of cash and counts it.)

CHRIS: Damn it. I only have $1,622 and 45 cents. I’ll have to get it to you later.

NATHAN: Why are you carrying that much cash!

CHRIS: Random car repairs that I might have.

NATHAN: Wow, Chris! Who knew that it was Paul Tygers who rescued you?

(Angelina, Miguel, and Paul all raise their hands. The cook peeks his head in.)

COOK: I knew as well.

(A security guard that they didn’t even know was in the house peeks his head in.)

GUARD: Yeah, I knew too.

(There is a honk from the van outside.)

PAUL: Oh! Freeze dried Army rations. My favorite.

NATHAN: My man!

(Nathan holds his hand for a high five, and Paul gives him some skin. They sit and eat their “food” and catch up.)

NATHAN: I haven’t seen you since Season Two.

PAUL: Funny, because I haven’t seen Season Two. But then again, who has?

(They laugh. Chris looks miserably bored, and a little irritated that from the moment that Paul entered the room Angelina stopped not paying attention to Chris in favour of not paying attention to Chris to give goo goo eyes to Paul. Miguel has fallen asleep in his chair.)

PAUL: We have many things to discuss, and then tomorrow we have many things to do. As soon as we’re done with this delicious dinner, we will convene in the in-home theater room.

(Miguel starts a little in his sleep.)

MIGUEL: I love you too, George.

(End Episode 7)

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